I feel destitute

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
I feel destitute
6
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 6:16am
I know it's very dramatic and probably completely inappropriate, given the date but I feel like I want to die. I cant belive the actual pain in my heart and I dont know how to go on. I wish I could put it in it's right perspective but my whole world has been rocked and I dont know how to get through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:02am
I'm sorry for your pain. I don't know your story but to answer your question in "How to go on?" the only feasible answer would be "One day at a time." There is no easy cure, no magic pill, no words that can erase the pain that you are feeling. You have to allow yourself to grieve, however long it takes.

Post on here as often as you need. We have ALL been/are where you're at now and though I can only speak for myself, I am NOW in such a better place since I ended my affair. It didn't happen overnight by any means. It took a lot of work, deep introspection, and listening to that inner voice of reason that I had so conveniently ignored while on my path of self-destruction. We ALL know that what we are/were doing is wrong. As soon as you are able to look past the pain, you will realize what caused it. Then you begin to heal.

Thinking of you,

~True~

 

 

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:15am
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know how much this hurts - it just cuts right through to your soul doesn't it?

All I can really offer you is hope. I don't know that I can make you feel much better now, but I can tell you, that if you give it time, it will get better. And its amazing, as it gets better, a fog almost lifts and you wonder what you where thinking to put yourself in this kind of a relationship.

One thing I have done that has been a little different than the usual things you'll see on this board (keeping busy, focusing on you, exercise, go see friends...) and by the way, that all helps, but one thing I've also done at times is talk to my inner child. You know that part of your soul that is the innocent you from when you were little. THat part of you that never wanted to hurt anyone, she just wants to play and be happy and learn about the world. Well, I've tried to hug her and tell her how sorry I am for hurting her, as I do take total responsibility for the choices I have made, and those choices have hurt 'me'. Anyways, then I tell her I'm not going to hurt her anymore, and that I'm going to do something to make her happy today - a walk in a park, shopping, whatever. I also tell her, that I didn't realize what I was doing was hurting her, but now that I do realize that, it changes everything.

The bottom line is you need to take control and 'fix this' situation for yourself. You do that by removing yourself from what is an unhealthy and hurtful relationship. Its based on lies and has to be conducted in the shadows so noone can see - its just not right - its not good and you deserve better. Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:31am
Crystal,

Your post was beautiful and even touched an old timer like me who has been affair free for four months.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:40am
Thank you true. My story's under "Desperately need support for NC" (which I'm failing miserably at). I can't seem to get over how badly I misread him, especially after allthose years. Yes, he didn't like to SAY the word "love", but he said other things that to me, meant he loved me-I just want to hold on to you all night long, I really miss you, I love hearing your voice. I ASSUMED he loved me, and now, I just cant believe he doesn't. I STILL want to keep thinking he's hiding or denying it for some reason and he's going to realize he made a mistake and ask me to come back but I know it'll never happen. And how is he letting go of all those years so easily? Did I really not mean that much to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:52am
Thank you. You really all are very kind and wise. I'm praying for the day when I get to where you're at.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 9:08am
<<>>>

Sweetie,

You meant as much to him as only HE will allow and unfortunately that never measures up to the deep capacity that we women allow. We give our all, and this is where we make our biggest mistakes. We love too much...

Never ever doubt that he didn't care. It's just that they are master manipulators and as soon as you can accept this, your pain will turn to anger. THEN, you will be able to let go of all that romantic gobbley goop that has fogged up your senses. We have ALL been there. Do not EVER think you are the only woman to have not seen through the lies. We have all been victimized with believing that they are truthful and honest with us. What a hoot. Are they not deceiving their families as they are wooing us?

<<>>

Honey, you read what this man wanted you to read. It doesn't mean any of it was real. Can't you see that? It will take time for you to understand the deceiving dynamics of affairs, so I suggest you read everything you can gets your hands on. Spend the next few weeks reading message sites like this one, go to the bookstore and stack up on books (a list is on here from "MEFREENOW") that will open up your mind to why these relationships are so addictive and hurtful. Learn, learn, learn. Knowledge is what saved me, not self-pity and crying. Please.....these men are not worth it.

My best to you,

~True~