I feel like I'm going to explode.......
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| Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:43am |
He did physically leave his W, but emotionally he is tied to her, and probably will be for the rest of his life, through his dd. I feel that he constantly crosses the line between being a good father, and being controlled by his W.
During his last seperation from his W, I literally almost lost my mind. He lied constantly about his whereabouts. Then I found out that he was staying with his W on the weekends, and was seeing someone else, and me during the week. So, there is NO trust in our situation at ALL. He promised that things would be different this time. He's been away for 8 days, and has probably gone by the house for something everyday. i.e yesterday I asked if he was picking his dd up from school his answer was "no". So, he calls and leaves a message on my phone that he had to run to the store, and he would "try" to call me before I got home. That was at 4:30PM (we always talk on my way home from work), and he didn't return until 8:00PM. I think he went to pick his dd up from school, took her to eat, and helped with her homework. All this is fine, but don't lie about it......unless he has something to hide. He says he was at the store. Sure for 3 1/2 hours.
This relationship has no payoff for me. I'm an emotional wreck, my sexually needs are not being met, we never get to see each other, and when we talk, all we do is hold the phone. It's so awkard, to just sit there and hold the phone, neither one of us saying a word.
WHY DO I STAY?.......I'm angry all the time. I almost hate MM, he is disgusting his lies and games makes me so angry. I want to lash out at every little thing he does. I want to hurt him, the way he has hurt me. I feel like someone has injected posion in me. Everytime I think of him, my hearts starts to race, I want to just tell him how much he has hurt me, and that I'm not the fool that he thinks I am.
Then I hear that little voice that says "what if you are totally wrong", and you are blowing things out of the water. So, I stay to gather more evidence that I'm right, what will it take for me to be convinced that he is worse than the slime under my feet? What act?
I feel like I'm loosing it. HELP!!!!

Big hugs. Ok, now take a really deep, slow breath. This relationships is so toxic. YOU KNOW THIS. For whatever reason, this guy has some real honesty issues--don't even TRY to figure him out, that's not your job. Don't try to cure him nor hurt him either. Just try to let it go.
Its VERY easy to get sucked back into the process....many of us have done that repeatedly. At some point, you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and that's when you decide to get out. You've even questioned about why you stay when apparently you get NO payoffs from the relationship. Knowing what you know about him, based on your past experiences with him lying, could EVER seriously trust him if you had the opportunity to have a long term relationship with him???? I don't know why so many of us continue in these very self destructive ways....whether its an affair, smoking, drinking, etc. What drives us to continue these behaviors knowing that its destroying us emotionally, physically, spiritually. I can help but wonder if we all aren't just trying to seek some kind of external means of happiness and pleasures, when in reality, it is only from within. People, who I've met and are very few in numbers, who truly LOVE themselves never engage in these kinds of behaviors. I'm trying to get there, but, MAN, its tough.
Only YOU can answer why it is you stay. Heck, if *I* knew, you better believe I would write a book, develop some therapy or motivational seminars and make a MILLION off of it (LOL!). Right now, I see a LOT of hurt, anger and pain. You need to try to step back and regain your balance. Some therapy...is that possible for you? I'm sure there are others who will be able to give you better advice then me....
I hope this helped somewhat.....
big hugs
dharma
This is one thing that I realized after writing my first post. My girlfriend (that knows nothing of the A) told me the other day.......you are what you attract. Based on that information, and I belive that too. Until I can end this toxic A, and rid myself of all the toxic emotions (anger to the point of hatred, pain, and hurt) I will attract negative people, and things to my life. Until I can detoxify my life, it won't get any better.
I consume way too much alcohol. That is something that I am really working on. But it is so easy when I'm really mad at MM, to just have a drink, and it helps me to chill out a bit.
Thanks so much for responding to my post. You don't know how much I truly appreciate just knowing someone cared enough to say something, and not just leave my post hanging.
You're more than welcome....I *know* what its like just to be having a hard day, and be hurting and posting....and thinking "please someone respond!" BTDT, own a damn tee-shirt.
When I used to work in the drug/alcohol field...one of the things I used to tell my clients was that relapse was a very useful step in recovery...because it made recovery seem that much sweeter. Sometimes it takes once, sometimes 20 times. Just keep picking yourself up, brushing yourself off and jumping back on that horse. You'll get it eventually. We all will.
Yes, yes...work on reducing/eliminating the alcohol. Oh, and I *know* how the fire-water can reduce one's inhibitions....been through THAT several times, too.
You're life can and WILL get better....work on releasing those negative emotions...try to accept them but not let them rule you. We all have negative feelings...its just what we do with them that matters. We can either chose to become enslaved by them, or set them free and hold little power over us. Its our choice.
Big hugs...
dharma
It bothers me, that I don't just come out and say "it's over". I want to pick apart this whole process. I want to understand why, I'm acting the way I am. I don't ever want to be in this situation ever again.
I know, only I can find these answers.
Thanks again.