I feel so broken
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I feel so broken
| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 8:53pm |
I feel like my insides have all been ripped out, I feel like I'm dying inside. It's finally, completely over w/MM, there is no going back and I just don't know how to cope. I know that he wasn't good for me and that being in the A w/him was wrong on so many levels. But, even though I tried to fight it, even though I knew better, I fell in love with him. And now he's gone, not on my terms, but on his. I'm hurting so bad, but I cannot show it b/c my H is home. I just want to curl up and cry for days. It just hurts so damn bad. I know I am extremely fortunate b/c I still have my H, who, by the way, knows all the details about the A. But I cannot cry with him, that wouldn't be right or fair, and frankly I wouldn't want to.
Oddly, I know that even given the chance, things would never be the same w/MM after what has been said by both of us in the last 2 days. The finality is just crushing me right now and I simply have no one to turn to. Please help.

Sally
I understand how you feel. There were times when I felt those same types of emotions when I was in my A. It's been really over for only three weeks now, and I can't tell you how glad I am. The unfortunate thing for me is that my H also knows about it, and he and I are now separated. The A isn't the only reason, but the main one. I am so remorseful and realize now that I am not living with him what a terrible mistake it all was. It's not that I didn't love my H. We had been having problems for about 2 years, and I felt so lonely and rejected and desperate for affection. I wish now that I would have tried harder with H instead of turning to an A. It became easier for me to let the OM go (who was also married) when I began to realize that though I know he cares for me, it really was just about the sex for him. I just could tell. He'd want to talk about it all the time. We could barely have one phone conversation without him bringing it up in some form or another. It started to really turn me off in some ways. Plus I realized that there was no way I would ever want to run off with him, and that I was living in some sort of fantasyland. I will never go back there. He actually called me today on my phone. I did not and will not return the phone call. I'm so over it, and I miss my H more than I can say. I know we had problems, but he's the one I love. I hope we can work it out eventually. You're doing the right thing. Don't give up. You'll feel better a day at a time.
I can't say much more than what has been said on this board. Take some time to read all the threads form the last several weeks. Hearing that what you are going through is not uncommon -- that you are not alone -- it really helps so much!
What you had in the A was not real -- when we are in an A we only see the magic and the desire -- not the reality of living with the guy every day. It just isn't real.
1. Concentrate on your marriage -- I am seeing my H with new eyes these days. You can too.
2. Maintain NC and come here often. It really does get better :-)
3. Start a journal, if you are able to (you can password protect documents in Word). Get all your feelings out in writing every day. There is a lot of power in being able to go back later and see how far you've come.
write often!
free since 9/04
(((BLUE)))
I am so sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to offer you my support and tell you to listen to the ladies here- they know their stuff! It really DOES get better. I am officially 9 days past my final slipup with XOM and this morning I actually woke up peaceful! It will take time and you will have moments, but we're here for you. You made the right decision.
Lily
Blue,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Three weeks ago I was in your same situation, except my H never found out about my A, so I have had to hold back alot of tears and emotions when H is around. The feelings are horrible, but TRUST ME you will survive. AN AFFAIR NEVER LAST FOREVER, IT'S NOT MENT TO. Work on your marriage if thats what you truly want, keep busy and try to be strong, Not going to deny you will have good days and bad days. NO CONTACT is very important. You will get through this. This board helps ALOT keep in touch vent your feelings. WE ARE HERE FOR U.
Take Care,
I am here if you need me....
Lady Bug