I feel so weak...
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:15pm |
I am new here...I have been reading this board for quite some time but never wrote anything. Until today...I read somes messages and felt so many similarities that I could picture myself in a lot of situations. I cried over a lot of your stories because I felt so close to you all.
My xMM and I had been together for one year, it was so exciting and challenging. I met my husband at 17 and never had been with somebody else. I felt so desired. But still a lot of things were just not right: lying, sneaking, frustration, anger, guilt. I wanted a friend, he wanted me as a lover. I was attracted by his cleverness and sweet talk. He is not a bad guy, can be very sweet and gentle when we are together but never showed much of his feelings (always the strong one!). He used to chase me so many times and now, it's a huge void in my life. How could I let him have so much power on me? I am an intelligent, articulate, funny, enthusiastic and atttractive person, how could I let this happen? I hate to be so needy and desperate. The attraction was so strong and we mixed everything. Big mistake.
I have been in NC for more than 2 months now. At moments, I feel very strong, very confident of my inner capability to survive and move on with my life. After all, we all have this pride inside us that keeps us alive. But I still have terrible "down" moments where I just want to email him and tell him how much I miss him. It is a struggle that I have to endure every day, every minute. I think about him all the time. Every ordinary thing makes me think about him. I know I am too emotional and that was my weakness since the beginning. My self-esteem has been up and down so many times with him. I waited, got frustrated and cried so many times, most of the time, alone with my pain. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my entire life. And I still miss him so much....Oh God, what's the problem with me? I really think I am addicted to his sweetness and attention.
I guess I am a little more lucky because we started NC as he moved away, out of state. The last 2 weeks were awful. I sent a good-bye email but he never wrote back. I overanalyzed that too much and feel rejected sometimes: Does that mean that he doesn't care for me anymore, that I am just a thing of the past? One month before he left, he said he had feelings for me. And I think this is the main reason why it is so difficult for me to get over him.
The worst thing is that I have a wonderful H that loves me more than anything else in this world. He is such a caring and loving person. He doesn't know anything about the A. I love him very much but the passion is just not there. And I am crying because I am so incapable of giving him back what he deserves so much...I am not forgiving myself about my behavior and the guilt is just killing me from the inside. HOW CAN I HAVE SO MIXED FEELINGS?
Today, I feel that I would do just about anything just to have my xMM's friendship again. I desperately want to email him just to say hello and hear from him again, but I won't....Furthermore, I know he is trying to forget me so I know he will not respond.
Sometimes I tell myself that I just have to let go my feelings and have a good cry. It releases all the tension and suffering inside. I tried every possibility to forget him but the pain is always there like a burden you have to carry every day. I look for a spiritual guidance too. My life is miserable because I feel I have no control on my life, I also feel I deserve to be in such a pain because I let myself get into this A.
I am so glad to read all your messages that tell me that I am not alone in my struggle. We are all here to overcome this unbearable feeling of hurt and loneliness that seems to be in our heart forever.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Cherry

First of all, congratulations on your whole two months of NC! I can't go a week. We always seem to have to talk about something or other. I do feel your pain and your weakness. I feel like I'm addicted to the passion, the feelings. My EMA has been on and off for almost 2-1/2 years. We'd be FWB's then FWOB's, and back and forth. Mine was a big flirt which I didn't mind, but at times it would go too far and then we'd be off again. Then his W secretly filed for divorce and now he's an OM instead of an MM and he's looking for a steady girlfriend it seems. We were seeing eachother til last week. I felt like I was an old standby for him and I didn't like the way it felt. We talked and he said he couldn't very well wait for me ... for what ... to divorce a man I have no intention of divorcing, at least not for another man. So we cam to an impasse and that was that. I've got to leave him alone, for my own sanity, and it's harder than ever at times. Yesterday I was fine. OM called me so many times and I ignored it. I finally called him at the end of the day. I think he got the message though. I'm usually available whenever he calls, except weekends. My story is a little different in that, even tho I married young too, my DH is very critical of me, no patience, and I no longer have any interest in him sexually or otherwise. I'm tired of pretending and now that I'm feeling the blues he wants to know what's wrong. I don't see myself staying with him for long as once I get some air from this EMA I'll be in a better position to make a decision about getting a divorce. It's tough because we've been married an awful long time. I wish I would've ended it sooner.
I don't know how one gets these MM/OM's out of their system. I feel like it's as real an addiction as drugs, and one goes thru withdrawals and all. I enjoyed reading Newsweek because there's a lot of women who feel as we do.
Take care and be strong!!!
Ramblin Rose
I feel your pain and can identify what you are going through! Two months of NC is very good - congratulations - and some days are still going to be real tough. You almost have to force yourself to fill up your time and stay away from email (not check it 25 times a day like I do, ha!)
I am sorry for your marriage.. but take that one day at a time, too. I too am married and my husband has no clue about the A... and lately I have begun to appreciate him for his qualities of honesty and trustworthiness. Still, I think about the MM most all the time.
The MM I was involved with lied to me and I also believe he may have had other "emotional relationships" on the side. His wife is a weirdo and his marriage has been in trouble for five or six years. He promised to leave her for months, then finally moved out - only to see me LESS after moving out. Ouch!!!
I am slowly realizing that it probably really wasn't love... it ended up being more of an OBSESSION with this guy, or a contest with his wife to see who he would "choose." They usually choose the wife, of course, and we have to try not to take that "personally."
Rejection is what drives your feelings, most likely, and that feeling of abandonment. Some of this can be traced to what happened in our childhoods... or the nature of our relationship with our fathers. Knowing this might help you but you will still miss him, and that's normal.
I wish you the best in your healing process, and write again soon to give us an update.