i felt alone again
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| Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:35am |
hello all,
im sorry im back again, OW just quit her job today, as u know , we work in the same company, she quit today, its her last day and she did not even tell me, worst is yesterday , her and i had an arguement and i said some hurtful words to her, i saw her yesterday afternoon and she was upset at me , that was the last time i saw her, i must have hurt her feelings, now she is gone, i wont see her anymore, i know she wont answer me anymore if i call or email
i felt abandoned and alone, i cried, she sent emails of goodbyes to our friends and co-workers but she did not even include me
i have given her all my life and now she is gone, its like someone died, im in shock
i have nowhere to go , i feel so lost and helpless and hopeless, i have no more tears, my heart is so numb, my headache is so painful and i cant sleep and eat at all
i dont know what to do with my life, she is all i have, no she is gone and im left alone again, i hate being alone, i have no family to turn to thats why im back again, i never expected her to leave, i was suppose to leave, im in so much pain
max

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its past 1am and i cant sleep still, im so tired but my mind is so wide awake, i keep on thinking of OW
why am i like this ???????
its so hard, i hate this !!!!!
it raining here and a bit cold but i am not able to sleep at all, im so messed up, i dont know how to help myself anymore
help pls ,
max
Max,
You have been here and it got better. You can do it again and it will be easier this time. She is pushing your buttons, not letting you find the peace. But it's all in you, you are your best friend. Right now you should just give yourself a break, plan on doing something nice today as if everything is OK in your relatioship with the OW. Keep on doing this, distracting yourself, she plays with your emotions big time - but they are yours and you can control them better than anyone else. Be kind to that good heart of yours, it deserves a break.
Max:
You are just having to go back to the beginning of grief. Remember that you've done this before and you made it to a certain point of being able to go out and about. YOU WILL recover from this. Perhaps think of this ending as having to be the way it was ...having to repeat it....to solidify it in your head. Yes, its like two steps forward, one back. Perhaps initially if it wouldve ended abruptly the first time...that it might have been too much to take...so it ended in a sense but you still had contact....maybe you needed to ease out of this a lil before it was truly ended...for your own system. I know this feels like insanity...but I want you to remember that millions endure heartache and survive. YOUVE survived alot in your life. I know it feels that when you endure so much that it takes from the "bank" of strength. What you may not realize is that all that YOU HAVE endured in your life actually added strength to your account. YOU have this strength.
There is something better in your future and you WILL work towards a future. You just have to give yourself a li break (but not too much...i am trying not to wallow too much myself as I have done in the past because there is a point we have to pick ourselves up before we start to destroy our health or whatever we do when we grieve wrong or too long).
When you are ready ...and please be mindful of trying to lift up when you CAN...do so. Many are lucky to have lots of family and friends. Some like you and me do not. WE have to persevere. Why people like you and I have to suffer so much alone and others do not ...ive never found the reason...i keep searching and trying to see if there is something wrong with me...but as long as i don't act inappropriately or unstabley ...well ..hell i cant answer that...I guess my reward will feel even more earned I guess ::shrug::..SOOOOOOOOOO I AM deteremined to work for my reward...and not let those who get what they want shallowly or undeserved "win".
We are not lower than others...reach Max, reach. I sometimes get scared of the next 20 years being liket he last. But perhaps we just got our crap earlier in life and that our lives will be happy and fullfilled later in life.
I am having to struggle with the fairness in life when I see others all around me not have to endure as much as we have. (Its my biggest gripe that I cannot let go of ...and I dont know if its me being immature or too sensative but i want to stomp my foot and say "no fair!!!") But what can we do?
We endure...that is what we do. We have to work a lil harder to get the attention and love we need because its not built in i.e. family and lots of friends. (I have just a few now..much different than when I was in my 20's). There are more people like us than you think. TV etc wants you to think different. Sometimes Max, people can have all the people around them...yet still be *alone*. You are precious, rare, exceptional. Like ive said before....YOU are the reward for someone out there who needs you. When you are ready...go find her. Have that family. You have all the other things in place on the bottom rung of Maslow's Heirarchy of needs. I have to pull in way deep and remember I have shelter, bills paid, no one beating me, no drug habit and a good soul. I sometimes resent that I have to "pull deep" and look at basics to make myself feel better, but sometimes we have to do that to right the keel and keep the boat steady.
Your OW will ALWAYS be miserable. I know you wanted to find a new job have a new beginning before she did. But perhaps, you wouldve had to struggle more.Now you can at least do your job with your eyes closed and make boat loads of money doing it and perhaps afford the healing time (vacation with this same company) to heal. Perhaps if you had taken a new job...the newness, the lack of tenure, or the stress *might* have been more of a hinderance than a distraction.
MAX...AFTER YOU HAVE TO RE-EXPERIENCE THE STAGES OF GRIEF....TIME FOR YOU TO LIVE. OW will always be dying in side a lil ...dont you think? You survived a divorce. You will survive this.
ITS MAX-TIME!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::Hugs::::::::::::::::::::::
Lizzie (your "sister" across the country)
liz, everyone,
thanks, i am not able to sleep, i slept like 2 hrs, its 5:41 am in the west coast, i am so tired
i cant think anymore, i read your post and i cried again, i dont want to cry anymore, it hurts so much , i miss her so much
i was praying out loud and asking to go to sleep, even in my sleep i dream of her , i am going crazy, i never felt this sad before, im feel so alone again, its like xmas when i was younger,i dont understand it anymore, i see the children of my foster parents so happy and i dont understand why they are so happy, of course i got presents also but i never wanted presents before coz i never let myself feel happy when i was young coz i know it wont last and that ill be moved again
i dont know anymore, OW was all i have in my life and now she is gone, i was happy woth her, even for a short moment i felt like it was real, i have given her all of me and now i am left in the sideline again
i just want the pain to go away, everythime i close my eyes she comes in,
max
Max,
You are strong, and we all see it...you can get through. Good riddance to her Max! Now you can go to work and think about work and move on with your life. You need to do this and you can. We have all survived and you will too. You need to find a special woman. There are so many sweet women out there just looking for a good guy. i know you can do this!!!!
jen
jen,
thanks, i just want not to get sick, i feel so lousy, i cant seem to get a hold on myself, i just cry all the time, im watching the wedding of prince charles and camilla, even he gets the girl in the end, must be true love no matter how u look at it
im a fool to feel like this, OW told me im a romantic fool, i think i am, im always stuck in a fantasy world, i never knew how the real world is when it comes to emotions, i would give everything to have OW back in my life even for a short moment ........ so now i think im crazy
its all "i wish" for me in my head
max
You are letting her take presedence over your well being. You need to remember that you are the one person you can always count on in your life, and you are worth more than she was treating you like. Mourn the loss but don't lose sight of YOU and your health and happiness. How can a woman who tells you you're a romantic fool, be good for you anyway? You are romantic, and do you know how many women in the world want romantic? You're going to make someone else very happy someday..and you just need to remind yourself that you are strong and able to make it through this. Start a fresh new life.. go buy a new book or two. Buy some art supplies and start painting no matter what it looks like, just to express. Keep going on blind dates and seeing who's out there -there are so many interesting, nice people in the world. Change your routine a little bit. Rent some movies, take walks. Do all you can do to remind yourself that this world is full of things to do and see. And whether she's with you or not- you have the ability to enjoy all of it. (((((Max))))
lea,
i know u are right, but right now im so sad, i feel like i was ababndoned , im not worht it, i dont know what to do, i want to blame someone for all of this but i know i am responsible for all my actions, im half way thru my life and i feel like i have not accomplised anything in my life, i feel so empty
max
You have accomplished a lot. From what I've read, you were raised in a foster home. Not an easy life--I'm sure at times- and yet you have a job- you attracted someone attractive (though not single)--you are a grownup with love to give, and intense feelings. That in itself is part of life. You may have extra feelings of abandonment regarding OM, that have to do with your own past/internal dialogue over feeling loved. I know I do. It's part of who we are and sometimes our past sets us up for some of these scenarios..
You will get through this, and you will continue to meet and attract women..only you will weed out the ones who aren't available.. and take care of YOU..(((((Max)))))
lea,
i know u are right, i just dont see it now, im so sad, i feel so lost, i been sitting here in the couch since yesterday afternoon, i been crying a lot and not able to sleep
i know the answer lies within me, i have been looking for it for awhile now, i know the OW will leave soon, i just dont know how to handle it, im sure when monday comes it will be strange not to see her at work, in time it will be easier for me i hope
i wanted to call her or send her email, but im not going to do it anymore, it will just hurt me more coz i know she will not response anymore, OW is a nice person, just wrong place and wrong time, it is always what she tells me that our timing is not good
i have never opened up myself to anyone like her, i think i opened too much, my feeling is i have lost everything, i gave her all i have so to speak, i poured everything , all my attention and effort, time to her
i realy dont know what to think right now, i cant sleep, i been taking 1 hr naps and keep waking up, she pops in my mind even when im sleeping, only me can help me now
i just cry everytime i think of her
max
:(
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