i felt alone again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
i felt alone again
30
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:35am

hello all,

im sorry im back again, OW just quit her job today, as u know , we work in the same company, she quit today, its her last day and she did not even tell me, worst is yesterday , her and i had an arguement and i said some hurtful words to her, i saw her yesterday afternoon and she was upset at me , that was the last time i saw her, i must have hurt her feelings, now she is gone, i wont see her anymore, i know she wont answer me anymore if i call or email

i felt abandoned and alone, i cried, she sent emails of goodbyes to our friends and co-workers but she did not even include me

i have given her all my life and now she is gone, its like someone died, im in shock

i have nowhere to go , i feel so lost and helpless and hopeless, i have no more tears, my heart is so numb, my headache is so painful and i cant sleep and eat at all

i dont know what to do with my life, she is all i have, no she is gone and im left alone again, i hate being alone, i have no family to turn to thats why im back again, i never expected her to leave, i was suppose to leave, im in so much pain

max

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:18pm

Max, maybe you should do a search and look back through your old posts. You were this sad one time before, and you found your way out. There are so many women who would love to have someone warm and loving. She is mean to you. Imagine if i was telling you this story Max, that *i* was the one whose MM was doing this to me. What would you tell me?

i know it's not as easy as all that but you can do it. Set a small goal for yourlsef...go for a walk even if it's just FIVE MINUTES...or clean up one corner of one room...and then you can sit down again and veg somemore LOL.

think about where you want to be in a year or two..still longing for your ow??? Or do you want to have a wife or a girlfriend who you NEVER have to share...maybe some kids...a nice house...you go on weekend get aways and she tells you how much she loves you...

stop being sad and dream :) :) And if you can't, maybe give that counselor a call. We love ya,

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:31pm

Max,

I have followed your posts and have a few thoughts for you. The closure you are seeking from your OW should come from within you. There is no way somebody like her is going to give you one, because you are suffering. I had been in an affair for four years and all I got at the end of it was lot of lies and betrayal from my AP. I have benn dragged to the courts, subpoenaed in front my little children, had to go thru months of torture at home as my DH had come to know about my A. Inspite of it I remained in contact with my AP only to be further betrayed, ridiculed and cheated of my mental paece. I went through so much for this man, all for nothing in return. He cannot even say "i love you' in my face in IRL. He simply cannot, because all he past deeds have coming chasing him in the back. I wanted him to say he was sorry for all the things he had done me wrong, but I waited for no avail. Then something snapped in me and a inner voice said, I will never get closure or sorry from him ever. That was the turning point for me, I stopped making excuses for him or expecting him to stop lying thru his teeth. You wouldn't imagine the amount of white lies that this man can go through in one day and to think I had almost risked my personal life for him made me take a hard resolve to never to put myself through the wringer again. NEVER. Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice, SHAME ON ME.... Do you see what I am getting at??

I have gotten thru it all in one piece and so can you. Keep your self strong and you will make it. There have been heartbreaks through time as much as there been love. You will get here, where I am today. And to tell you the truth it is lot more better this way than anything else. Good Luck!




Edited 4/9/2005 1:39 pm ET ET by new_life_iv
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:38pm

hi jen,

thanks for your words, im trying to do just that, im trying to make breakfast as a start, im so hungry but i dont want to eat

i was doing good before when she ended it, but i think because whe saw there at work, even if we have limited contact i still see her, now she is totally gone, i know i wont see her anymore, she told me that if she leaves i wont see her anymore, part of still hangs on to hope that someday i will see her, i want to look for her in the future

im seeing the counsellor once every two weeks, maybe i will ask for more frequent visits, i have no emotional support group so to speak, i have no family, just friends and they are good friends but they also have their own lives to live and i dont want to burden them with all my problems

i am desperate now, i realy am at a crossroads and i dont know which fork in the road to take, therapist told me that i am very idealistic and i put so much trust in people and i believe everything they say, i guess im very naive for my age, im just fooling myself with OW, its a fantasy that i dont want to let go

im sorry , im having a hard time ,i feel terrible right now, i sound like a broken record already, sometimes i just want to sleep and not wake up anymore

max

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:50pm
Welcome back, Max!
I was so sorry to see you go, but haven't had time to write to you. I am so sorry to hear the agony you are in and can only repeat the wise and loving things everyone else has said. You are truly special.
I also believe you are truly depressed at this time. I mean, in a clinical depression. The kind that anti-depressant medication can be VERY helpful for. You describe not being able to sleep or eat and you have been sad for a very long time, not just recently. These are classic signs of depression, and you might even have a longer term low-level chronic depression, which is why it seems like everyone is happier than you are. They are! Luckily, this problem is really really helped by medication like Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil among others. After you are on the medication for a week or two or three, you won't be *happy*, but you will feel like you have more energy to face your problems. You will find yourself still in pain, but a bit more emotionally resilient. These are not *happy* pills, nothing like illicit drugs, like cocaine. In fact, they don't do a thing for a person who isn't depressed.
Any doctor can prescribe it for you. If insurance is a problem, go to any clinic associated with a hospital or let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages. It's worth it. Believe me, I know. Medication has helped me immeasurably. It has helped me from the lowest funks, in which I really felt suicidal but didn't do anything about it because my impulse control is pretty good.
By the way, I haven't had time to read everyone else's posts, so if this is redundant advice, please excuse. I just want you to know that you don't HAVE to suffer like this. It is possible that you inherited this biological tendency towards depression from your birth parents. I know I inherited it from both sides of my family, unfortunately, and I am watching my kids like an eagle to see if they develop signs of it.
BTW, thanks to you and others and myself, I have stopped the drinking which I had backslid to for a couple of weeks. It did not help anything, and I knew it. Your comments were a useful kick in the rear.
Hugs, Alice
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 3:08pm
But Max you're worrying me with the "wanting to sleep and not wake up" thing..
No person in this world should ever make you not want to see the light of day..
Don't let her do this. She shouldn't have this much power over your ability to want to live. Please call and get in to the counselor sooner than later.. It hurts me to see you let this woman make you not want to wake up..that is not right. Life is too short and too precious to think that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 3:17pm

alice,

clearly i am sad and lonely and most of all depress about what just happened, i was on Lexapro before and i did not like it, i want to get thru this without the help of medication

i dont know my birth parents so i have no idea what my pre-disposition on depression is, maybe i am just like this and or it could be brought about by what just happened

i think its just me, i cant seem to get pass OW, she is all i have in my life right now and i know its not right for me to think of her like that

i have symptoms of depression, im need to go out, im gonna do laundry and clean my kitchen

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 3:28pm

im sorry i dont mean to worry u and anyone on this board, im just feeling so sad, i was crying again in the last hr, i cried so much that my eyes are so red and yet i still cannot sleep, everytime i close my eyes she comes into my mind

OW is a big part of me, and now she is gone, actually she was the only one that i live for, i am clearly in need of some help, i dont know why i identify, cling to her and depend on her for me to be happy

im sorry

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 3:33pm
hi max,
i was going to post,then i read your post, and saw that your could use someone right now. my heart really goes out to you, I no the pain that you are feeling!! i was the one how wrote, about how i was with a mm for over a year, and stood by him when he went to jail, when he was down and needed someone, i gave him money when he had none , paid for everthing when we went out because he had no moneyetc, he just played on my kindness etc.
he stood me up twice and i took him back. then he was seperted from his wife, for 2 months then she came back, and he was suppose to come bye and stood me up again, had never called to this day!! he is a coward!! he couldn't even have the balls to tell me that it was over or something just to leave me hanging is terrible, i no what it is like to not eat, sleep etc. i really feel your pain!! i just want you to no that you are not alone, in this, their are days when i am so deppressed, i have to lierally drag myself out of bed to go to work, i feel like i have lost a best friend, who died, i feel lost alone, empty inside angry, etc etc. sometimes i wonder if i will ever get through this, but i no i will and you will too!! i think what helps me everything i have these feelings is i pray to god to help me get though this, and i think it helps.
i trually believe that she just wasn't the onefor you max, i have been though broken relationships and think i will never find anyone eles like them, but as time goes on you do!! you learn to love again, trust again etc. and you will. i think that we go through these things for a reason, we may not understand it now. i think that the right person will come along someday, you will feel loved etc. max please don't give up on life love etc it will come along again for you, maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will, pray to god to help you though this terrible time. get some help , talk to a therpaist etc. talking to people always makes me feel better. i am hear if you need to talk to someone
i really do no what you are going through, and so do all the others, they seem to be wise and have good advice, and have been their and survived we will too.
candy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 4:04pm

candy,

thanks, i realy do need to talk to someone right now thru this board, T dont work on weekends, i have no one to talk to, my friends are all busy, its the weekend and they are all married and with thier families, i am single and living by myself

its hard for me to think that she is not the one for me, i know i am fooling myself into believeing this and this is one of the reason i cannot let go of her, she knew me like no one else, i feel so connected to her in all ways, when she is with me, she knew what i want, she is very caring and thoughtful, yet she also tell me lies which hurt me a lot, i looked the other way told myself that i can live with those lies and they dont concern me but deep down inside i was hurt

i sit her in my living room and not heard a human voice since yesterday, i felt so bad coz on thursday i was talking to OW and i said some hurtful thinks to her and that was the last time i saw her, she avoided me when i saw her last and did not speak to me anymore, not a good way to remember me from her point of view, i realy do love her, i think i will love her until i die, she will always have a place in my heart, a big place, i am afraid that if i met someone that OW will still be in my heart and it would not be fair to the other person

i been on blind dates but my heart refuse to open up to them, now i think my heart is dead, i am out of tears and i am so tired, i slept like 3 hrs on the last 36 hrs, i am afraid to sleep coz i wake up in about 1 hr, she is in my dreams

i want to sleep at least for about 2-3 hrs, im so tired, i dont know what to do anymore, my heart hurts and my chest hurts too, my back hurts , i am a mess,

i pray but i still pray for her and that she will be happy, i dont care anymore about me

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 5:27pm
hi max,
i am sorry that you are feeling bad, i no it is a terrible feeling, you just feel like you are going to die inside, that the pain will never end!! but today i sat down and prayed to god please help me deal with this anger etc, and i sort of feel better, when i feel alone i talk to him. mabye you should grt up go outside, go for a walk, i did and i think it has helped. i no the worse you sit heir the worse it is, and you just keep thinking about it, i no i keep waiting for the phone to ring when i no it never going to!
i don't think i will ever have closure, but i will survive i no in time that i will forgot about him, and you will to. maybe you can join a singles group when you are ready i no now you probably don't feel like it, because i thnk you need this time to heal! another is that maybe you van voleenteer your time, maybe to the less fortunate i thought about thAT , maybe it will help me see what i do have, a good job, my health, etc. another thing i no this sounds funny but i like to watch jerry spinger, their are always people on their, going through this , people cheating on one another etc. i also like to watch talk shows somtimes, they have interesting subjets etc. what about your neighboors are you close maybe you can talik to them etc, what about your single friends can you maybe go out and exercise or go tlak to them maybe that will help, i no what it is like not to sleep, i have been going through the same thing, i just started dinking hot tea at night to help me relax, and i started taking melatonin, to help me sleep you can get it a your local health store. what do you like to do i like to read so i got some good books to help keep me busy, rent a video that makes you laugh etc. i no it hurts but you will get through this. candy