i felt alone again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
i felt alone again
30
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:35am

hello all,

im sorry im back again, OW just quit her job today, as u know , we work in the same company, she quit today, its her last day and she did not even tell me, worst is yesterday , her and i had an arguement and i said some hurtful words to her, i saw her yesterday afternoon and she was upset at me , that was the last time i saw her, i must have hurt her feelings, now she is gone, i wont see her anymore, i know she wont answer me anymore if i call or email

i felt abandoned and alone, i cried, she sent emails of goodbyes to our friends and co-workers but she did not even include me

i have given her all my life and now she is gone, its like someone died, im in shock

i have nowhere to go , i feel so lost and helpless and hopeless, i have no more tears, my heart is so numb, my headache is so painful and i cant sleep and eat at all

i dont know what to do with my life, she is all i have, no she is gone and im left alone again, i hate being alone, i have no family to turn to thats why im back again, i never expected her to leave, i was suppose to leave, im in so much pain

max

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 6:58pm

{{{{{{{{Max}}}}}}}}}
Don't forget that not sleeping and not eating doesn't help with the emotions. you are screwing with your blood sugar and serotonin etc.

I agree that you can get through this without medication. This is a real grief. We all grieve at our own pace. If you find that this grief keeps you from doing your job properly, have traffic accidents or near ones etc. or makes you act out inappropriately (plan suicide etc...you know what i mean)..then yes I say things need to get balanced with medical help.

Please try to get some GOOD rest. Try the "stop thinking" method of coping. (I find that helpful at times). Watch TV...anything to make you take mind off for even a second at this time. AND PLEASE DO EAT SOMETHING soon. I bet you are a thin person (i get that sense) and you could be hypoglycemic right now and that is a b*tch on the emotional part. (makes it hard to control emotions just like when we are hyperglycemic i.e. high blood sugar diabetics).

Perhaps even stay away from this board and go on other boards or other sites to just get away from thoughts about relationships. (please dont take up gambling LOL).

How about checking out your astrological forecast for 2005? =) Its egocentric (which we need sometimes) and it speaks about the future (which I too am having difficulty with...you described EXACTLY how I was feeling about being halfway through my life (39) with nothing to show for it (figuratively) and fearing having to live the next half this way) So i go and look up things regarding my FUTURE. Yes, i am into astrology but not as knowledgable as I would like to be. Think of it this way...it couldn't hurt and it gives you something to ponder.
While you take your infamous asbestos suit out of the drier...
Whats for dinner Max? Soup might sound good to your tummy...personally i'd rather have pizza :sigh:
most likely having another piece of key lime pie...i gotta stop this..cant ruin the weight progress i made can i? Cuz i need to snag a man this summer ('scope says july is going to be great for me)
:::::::::Hugs::::::::::::
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 7:06pm

Candy:
I bet you are as sweet as your name. Just wanted to say, your posts to Max are full of care and faith and you are probably a very special young lady. When you have the inclination to go out in that big ol' world and start to date...be sure they are worthy of you this time.

Sweet, sweet girl that you are, may you find peaceful satisfying rest tonight. You too Max.

Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 7:14pm

P.S. Max:
just so you know...Ive not gotten a personal phone call from anyone in 5 days. I know how that feels. (my home phone NEVER rings anymore unless its a telemarketer...i am talking weeks..of course I am on the dialup at night lol but still folks know my cell and they aren't leaving messages if they do call on my home). Its a strange thing...ive never been this lonely i always had more friends than anyone...but i guess that does wain after a certain age as others "get a life".

I have my tv on 24 hours a day...have for years now...it helps with distraction and for falling asleep. just a lil hint if you need one.
Lizzie
(god i sound like one of those single old ladies with a cat thingy now)...that thought is what prompts me to want more..i never imagined my life much...but i certainly didnt imagine this. MOTIVATION!!! LOL...(i do have a cat but i'll be damned if i am going to end up like the crazy lady in my neighborhood growing up..hell even she had adult children grr) LOL

Funny that Candy mentioned charity work. I was thinking of that today...as i finally have no excuse not to. Thanks for the reminder Candy. Now that my apt is almost 100% picked through and spring cleaned...i'll have to come up with that and learning how to rollerblade with the skates Ive had for what..5 yrs now.

something has to change Max...it wont get worse...you have to know that. It can only get better. Don't wreck your health or your job however..that is what can change. dont let that happen.

You can grieve you are allowed..it wont change tomorrow but perhaps a month from now..and maybe if you think on that ...you can give yourself a break and know to just brace against the waves and go with the current rather than wishing them away and fighting the tide.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 8:07pm

lizzie, candy,

thanks for keeping me company today, i realy needed it, yes i have my TV on all the time when i am at home

yeah, i dont get any calls at all, very seldom even on workdays, i only have a cell phone, no more land line

at least she is not at work now, i will be able to concentrate on work better, but i will always be reminded of her at work, she used to work there also, i been working with her for the last 5-6 yrs, she has been a part of my life and now she is gone

its like the routine is been cut off, i feel so helpless, i cant do anything about it at all, i guess i leave it up to fate but i need to do something about myself

i need my job so i can live also,i was just promoted and given more task, i am sure it will keep me busy

i felt like i been fighting and looking for OW all my life and that when i found her the circumstances where not right and now i lost her again, i dont want to lose her anymore but it seems like she is gone ,out of my control, i feel like its a cruel joke in my life, sometimes i blame God, i know God has a purpose for all of us but i dont know what mine will be

i know i am already in the bottom and there is no way but up , i just need to get up and start walking again

i have food and im drinking tea also , i have an upset stomach and a big headache, i still cant sleep, i been watching tv all day and waiting on the phone and email, its crazy

:(
im so tired but i will try to fight and regain my life,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 8:56pm
hi lizzie,
thanks for the kind words, i think i am a very caring person with a big heart, that is why mm took advantage of me. i am worried about max, i no the pain he is in, that we are all in, its nice to no that their are people out their who do care. you sound like a very special person your self, i no that we all feel like we are alone, but someone once told me that we are not alone we have god, we might not understand or be angry at him, but i think that their is a reason for all of this, i ask him to answer my prayers, who nos maybe he is doing this so we will turn to him. i think that if you bug him enough lol! he will send someone for all of us to love. thanks again , also if you need someone to tlk to i here for you also.
candy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 10:29pm

candy,liz,

we all have big hearts, thats why we get ourselves into this situation, i am very remorseful for what i said to OW on thursday, i said some bad words to her out of frustration, i did not know that friday was her last day at work

i regret what i said to her, i wish i was able to say goodbye to her and not those harsh words were my last words to her, i did not see her of friday at all, she sent email to some co-workers but she did not send me one to me, i think i realy hurt her feelings

i miss her so much, i think i feel so bad for what i said to her that i could not forgive myself for telling her those harsh words, this is what i am struggling on right now

i only hope she can forgive me in time, when we were still together, she told me she would leave and find another job so i can move on and not see her anymore, i guess that has happened already and i am so helpless

i want to seek her out but i know it would only add to my pain, if we were meant to be maybe she will find me or we will meet again when she is free , i miss her, im dying inside and i just want to tell her how much i love her for the last time, i am not able to think anymore, what to do with my life, i know i will move on but i dont see any purpose in it anymore

i took a shower , drank tea to help me relax, did the dishes, cleaned up the house a bit, i am so tired and yet i am afraid to go to bed, i will think of her in bed and i will cry again, for a man i think im a wuss, i used to be tough and rugged, i was in Panama in 1989 and that was on hell of an experience for me but this is nothing compared to that, i rather get shot at than not know where OW is at all, its so dark, i dont see anymore meaning in my life, i have no family so what is it there for me, she is my only family , i left all my assets to her, my will is all for her and her daughter, now u know that i am a fool , i think OW is right, i realy dont care anymore

im so tired, i dont know where to go anymore,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:24am

Candy:

No one takes advantage of you unless you let let them. There is a lesson for you to learn here sweet one. Think on it.

Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 8:51am

hi liz,

u r right, i let OW take advantage and control over my life, i hate it, i dont know why i let her do it, i think i am weak or something

i still cannot sleep well, i been up all nite just watching TV, i keep thinking of her all the time, wondering if she will send me email or call me or contact me at all

im so miserable now
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 11:30am
hi lizzie,
true. but sometimes, when you do care about someone, you do things for them, because you love them etc, and if he didn't feel the same way and he new it then he was taking andvantage of me. don't you agree.
candy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 12:57pm
absof*ckinglutely.
::Hugs::::

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