I finally did something good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
I finally did something good!
3
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 5:08pm
The last couple of days I have posted alot and have been feeling really down about everything. I kept thinking the worst of the situation and feeling like a fool bc eventhough I am the one that told him we couldn't go on like this and after that I called him back and he didn't want to talk to me anymore- I kept beating myself up and feeling like a real loser. Well, no more - I hate that eventhough it is over and there is absolutely no NC I was still letting him bring me down and have control over my life. He was still winning eventhough he didn't know that, but I did and that is what's important. I stayed up most of last night and logically thought about everything. I have never done that - I just did alot of assuming and overanalizing everything. Well, it made me feel much better. I wrote down everything I felt and logically went through everything and read it and feel much better. You can assume and over analize things until you are blue in the face but if you logically sit down - it just kinda comes to you. At the end you are the only two who really knew what was going on and who said what and who did what. If you got really close to your xmm then you feel that certain things said and done were the truth and why he was doing things to you that made you feel bad. You know him better than anyone you try to get advice from - they weren't there and they don't know - it's just a common conception we get from people. I beat myself up everyday for the last four weeks bc I felt I hung on longer than I should have but he asked me to and said things to me that made me want to - it wasn't just bc I was missing him. We belive them when we are with them just like they believe things we say to them. I kept promsing my xmm that I would leave if he left his wife first not really thinking much about it. When we ended it I admitted that I never really thought about leaving my husband but he believed me at the time. It made him mad but at the time it felt right to say. I'm sure that's what they do, too. If anyone walks away feeling stupid or feels like a fool for breaking the NC - its okay - you have alot of history together and it wasn't just a one night stand. These men may think they have the upperhand most of the time but if you really think about it - they were telling you "i love you" and saying obsessive things to you too. They were just as guilty for feeling the way that you do too.
I know logically we could never be eventhough we talked about it all the time. We always want what we can't get and it drives us crazy. You have to keep in mind that these men went looking bc their marraige was not satisfying and if they choose to stay there then you know in your heart that they can't be really that happy there. Why did they cheat then? Why did we cheat. The difference is we most of the time (me) want to make it work with our husband but most of the time they don't try to make it work with their wife. How would you feel if you knew your husband loved somebody else while married to you and thats what you can walk away knowing. My xmm didn't have any guilt for doing what he did but I do and I think that is a good sign that I do love my husband and don't want to hurt him. I know I may sound like I am over all this but the truth is that if I keep reading the things that I wrote down that were logic - I feel I can move on alot faster and quit the pinning. We deserve better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 6:50pm
Hey Mere:

You sound better than in a long time--good for you! I am really proud of you and you are an inspiration to me. I have 5 days NC and my exMM PROMISED in his last vm to honor NC and that I had to as well. So......I guess I have no choice now but to get over it. For me--I think I held on for so long because I did leave my marriage and it was so hard to let go and deal with the life that I have left now. But after one year on my own I know that it isn't so bad and I can survive living without exMM and that if I let go of him I am really just letting go of the pain and sadness because i don't have him anyway

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 8:32pm

hi there mere--
Isn't that cool how things become so clear to us when we sit down and devote the time necessary to evaluate our situations? Sometimes it's best to devote the time, perhaps a small amount of time each day, to thinking about our A situations, but then commit to not thinking about it the whole rest of the day--confine it only to the time you set aside. Thinking about it all day long feels obsessive and none of us wants to feel like that, do we???

Just I few observations about your thoughts....

<<< eventhough I am the one that told him we couldn't go on like this >>>
Good for you! We all have strength buried inside us -- some of us have simply forgotten how to use it!! Keep drawing on that strength and take it one day at a time.

<<< I was still letting him bring me down and have control over my life. He was still winning >>>
He can only control you if you allow it. Take a deep breath and think before you act or speak when it comes to issues related to him (I am the queen of not thinking before I speak :-) But from what you say, it really sounds like he isn't winning anymore -- that must make you feel good--please continue to remember that he CANNOT control how you feel--it's your brain and you don't have to allow him in!!

<<>>
In my situation, we were both in it equally -- he wasn't ever mean or rude or unkind about anything. In my situation, we may someday be able to continue our friendship. But for now, NC is the only solution for cleansing me of those "extra" feelings. I say this only so you know that I understand your thought process--some A relationships are not as negative as others -- BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM OK. What I did and what you did is still wrong, no matter how well we got along with the XMM.

<<>>
No, we shouldn't feel stupid--it happens. Just come here and get support and start over with the NC. It happens to all of us :-)

<<>>
Forget that you talked about it all the time--it was a FANTASY. You said yourself it couldn't be. Just remember it as a fond memory of something stupid you once did :-)

<<< Why did they cheat then? Why did we cheat.>>>
The million dollar question! That's the one thing that each of us needs to figure out and then fix. It's different for each of us.

<<>>
Let's promise each other to not want what we can't have--how stupid is that??? In Sheryl Crow's "Soak up the Sun" single, there's a line in it that says:

"It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got"

Let's try to remember that line...it's good advice for all of us :-)

<<< We deserve better. >>>
Of course we do! We are smart, beautiful and kind women who happened to make a mistake. Now we are working on fixing it!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 8:46am

merehud,

I am a firm believer in writing your feelings down.

It's helped me tremendously. It is very therapeutic to do this,
so I suggest you keep on doing it. I kept a journal at work
and am on my second notebook! After a week or so, I will look back
and read what I wrote. Some pages I can rip up easily and then it's
a past memory - gone. Others take longer to logically think about
but it really does work.

But 'no contact' is what gets them out of your head.

Sounds like you are on your way!