I finally feel free...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
I finally feel free...
4
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 12:06pm

Hi all,

I've been struggling with this addiction for over a year. It is crazy when I look back at all the time it has taken to get to this point. I know now that I was prolonging my own healing by holding onto the fantasy. I knew that I could not be part of an affair. I knew it was wrong and had no desire to keep it going. The difficult part for me was getting over my feelings for xAP and thinking maybe there could be a future for us someday. My xAP always said he would wait for years and would love me forever. That made it hard for me because any time things were tough with my husband I would think to myself that there was someone else out there for me if things didn't end up working out with my husband.

Even though I wasn't technically in the affair because we were no longer talking to each other and no longer seeing each other I still romanticized it. Even though there were so many red flags about xAP. I had some small doubts about him and things I questioned but I still let my fantasy prevail thinking maybe if things didn't work out in both of our marriages and we both got divorced on our own then maybe someday we could be together.

I didn't want to write about this right away because I wanted to make sure that the fantasy was completely gone. My xAP is a serial cheater. There is really no way that you can get around that. There is no way that can be romanticized. He also has zero remorse. I would try to make excuses for him. I would say he is so lonely and he is treated poorly by his wife. I do believe those things are true, but that does not mean you can go having multiple affairs.

As time has gone on and especially since I've managed complete no contact for a long period of time I've slowly but surely gotten better and better. I have some set backs and some tough moments, but overall I have been doing better the longer I have stayed NC. However, I still had some shreds of the fantasy especially when I was down about something else.

Then last week I went to dinner with two old coworkers. We were talking about our old jobs (we have all left the company). One girl was talking about something that always frustrated her. It was that she would be in meetings and my manager would always text this other coworker. This coworker happened to be the girl he had an affair with before me (which he told me was only for sex and was over). They never did this in front of me of course. I don't even care if it happened when I was at the company or after I left.

It was like the last remnants of the fog finally lifted. I wasn't even mad or upset. It was just a huge realization for me. On my way home I thanked God about 100 times in the car. I finally realized it was all a fantasy...the whole thing. I can't explain it very well, but everything seemed so clear to me then. Previous to that, the fog was starting to lift but that information was like a wind that completely blew the fog away for me.

My xAP is not someone I want to be with ever. I would/will never let myself be treated in that way. The things I felt for him were never based on reality. I want to be with my husband. My husband loves me and I love him. My husband has forgiven me for what I've done even to the point of saying that our marriage is better for it and he says everything happens for a reason. It was such a huge eye opener for both of us. My husband is truly an amazing man. He loves me so much that he never throws what I've done in my face. He has made amazing changes for me. We go to church now as a family (something I've always asked for). He doesn't call me names (hasn't done this for over a year). He wants to have our next child with me which I always wanted but he did not and I could go on and on.

I am just truly blessed to have this second chance and new perspective on things. My marriage has never been better and I feel confident that my husband and I will grow old together and take walks together holding hands when we are 90 years old! We have both learned so much about each other and our marriage through this whole ordeal.

I have been hard on my husband even over the past year. Every marriage needs work and I haven't given him nearly enough credit. I blamed every argument and every issue on him. I think a big part of that was still holding onto that fantasy. It wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to our marriage. I feel free now. I can be the best wife to him that I can be.

I thank God over and over again that things have ended the way they have. I just want people to know who are still stuck in the fantasy that things do get so much better over time.

There are so many things that people say here that resonate with me and things that are so true. Please listen to the vets they definitely know what they are talking about. Please don't think your situation is unique as I thought. Please give yourself a chance to get better and to heal by sticking to NC. You deserve it! I'm starting to see that life is so much more peaceful and wonderful on the other side once I finally was able to let go of every single shred of the fantasy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 12:18pm

OMGosh, this is an amazing post! Thank you for taking the time to share. I related to so many things you said and your story is very inspiring. I just kept saying, "oh! that's ME! oh, that's just like ME!" (and I hope I'll be where you are when my one-year mark hits.)

Blessings,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 3:11pm

Hi Luv,


Yes it is so freeing when we let go of the last faded, dingy, tainted memento!


<>


That is so similar to what xAP told me when I broke off the A.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:10am

Hi Dee,

I just wanted to thank you for your response. I'm also glad that you got something out of my long post. :-)

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:19am

Hi E1,

Isn't it crazy the red flags we dismiss when we are in the fog. My friend even reiterated all the things to me that were red flags and I could hear the disbelief in her voice and yet I still chose to blind myself with the fantasy.

You were exactly right about what they say and do when we are not there. There were some other weird things that didn't make any sense and once again I chose to ignore those things nagging at me. I knew better. I'm not saying he was a terrible person we just have much different morals and principles in life. I definitely make mistakes, but I have remorse and learn from my mistakes and try my hardest not to repeat them. He has a difficult time even realizing that he has made a mistake or that what he was doing was wrong. I thought we had so much in common, but we had very little in common.

Thanks again for your response E1. I really appreciate it. :-)

Take care