I finally got it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
I finally got it!
3
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 8:49am

Hey all! It's been a little more than a week since XMM contacted me with that stupid story about his new OW and his wife and what he should do. And after posting about it here, sharing with my support network, talking about it with my T, lots of prayer and meditation, I finally got it! Now Free and Id told me this from day one, but some of us are more dense than others - he wasn't actually calling for my advice, no matter how sincere he sounded. He more likely created a crazy scenario to bounce off me to get some insight into whether I was truly back in my marriage or just going thru the motions. He was probably waiting for me to say that I was sorry I'd decided to stay with my DH and give some indication that marriage counseling isn't worth it, etc. Now I truly wonder if any of his story was true, or he just concocted something to get the information he wanted; i.e. whether I'm still available to him for a little action on the side. Who the heck knows if there even is another OW or whether she confronted his wife, or whether his wife kicked his sorry butt out of the house. No telling the truth from what comes out of this guy's mouth.

Okay, so this morning, finally, I see him for the manipulating, lying, cheating pond scum that Free and Id told me he was a week and a half ago. DUH! I'm just glad I finally in my head and heart realize this and I didn't act on anything stupid. Now, I can go back to minding my own business and focusing only on my DH.

Thanks so much to all! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:19am

Mo,

I have thought about your situation since I can't think of anythng worse than having xMM come to me about a problem with my "replacement." I do think it's made up. I also know we're not even supposed to care at this point lol... but I would too.

I find I have to keep hearing the advice and reading the advice over and over for it to really start to sink in. I have to hear it from different angles - and it's all finally starting to make sense and I can look at it non personally now.

It has been a long couple of months. But then again, I'm straightening out a fantasy that I believed in for 9 years - and that's going to take some undoing.

The one wish I have above all others is that I would love for my 'mood of today' to be some indication of my 'mood of tomorrow.' I'm still on the roller coaster somewhat. I go through a couple of hours where I think "I can live my WHOLE life without him. What was I thinking?? I am woman, hear me roar" followed by "I think I'm going to die without being in his soft spot again."

Truly, most of the time now I am somewhere in the middle, but I do have strong *days* and some very weak *hours.* As I've come to better terms on it I am crying infrequently now which is nice.

Have a good day, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:35am

Mo

Pure Music to read. Now jusr FILTER the Pond Scum out of your water supply (LIFE).

Be Well

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:13am

Hey WIP: I posted last week about emotion v. intellect. I'm an intellectual thinker and I tend to need to understand things. The emotion part doesn't come easily. I think that's one of the things making me so susceptible to stupid XMM's actions.

If intellectually this thing is over, he should come to that conclusion on his own and not try to be romantically involved with me anymore. So my intellectual self says that if he contacts me with a problem, his motives are genuine. My emotional self has difficulty prevailing above my intellectual self and recognizing that he's manipulative and trying to get a response from me that I have decided not to give him anymore. Therefore, in my mind at least, it's very clear cut that if he doesn't have any reason to contact me, he shouldn't.

For some reason, I want him to arrive at that conclusion on his own, not really believing that I need to take steps to protect myself from his unwanted intrusion; i.e. if I can see intellectually that contact with me makes no sense because I've ended the A, why can't he see it and simply stop contacting me? Apparently, I'm wrong and he's not approaching this from the same intellectual plane that I am.

Now my question is why was this so clear to everyone else and why did I let myself be deceived and manipulated? That's really the root of this situation. It has become less and less about the chaos still going on in his own life and the emotional response to being confronted with the reality that he has moved on to another OW, and more and more about why I allowed myself to be duped. It's one for the T, that's for sure.

Thanks for your response. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10