I gave myself closure...I think
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| Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:54am |
It seems that every two days, I have a temper tantrum and demand that he tell me how he feels about me. It's getting old quickly. So, tonight, I wrote him a letter from HIM to ME, in which he explains it all. Basically, it says, "I love you, but I realize that we cannot be together. I want you in my life still because I am still attached to you, still addicted, still looking for your approval, still desiring you, etc....but I have grown up and seen reality and the hard truth is that we cannot be together. I already am married, and I can't bail on her just because she is not the girl of my dreams. There is a lot that I like about being married - the couple things, the family things, and in order to leave all that takes guts, and I don't think I have the guts for that. Not now, and maybe not ever."
Anyway, I LOVED it, it gave me so much comfort. It really felt authentic. So, I knew I was on the tright track -- my woman's intuition is good. So, I sent it to him and asked him to tell me if I had it right or not. I am waiting to hear.
Very happy with my creative solution to the need for closure. I think once I hear from him that this is the way he feels, I am going to be able to start to move on emotionally, to get less dependent on him, to start to spread my wings and fly on my own again....

See, I lied to him when I told him it was okay with me if he just WANTED me and never acted on it. The truth is, it confuses me, it confounds me. I hate it. I just want a normal life and a normal love. So, once he confirmed that he still feels all the feelings for me that he felt before but is trying to set boundaries for himself so as not to fall into the quagmire of an affair, I felt free!! I felt like, OK, my ego is intact. Now I can move on!!!!
So, I am sure he will be very surprised when he reads my nice note which says thank you for helping me get closure, and now I am going to be laying low for a while, doing my own thing. I am not abandoning you, you can call me if you need me, but for now, I am going to be keeping a low profile so that I can focus on me.
I signed it, I love you.
And I feel so much better!! I think I am going to be FINE with NC. I just wanted to hear him tell me that he still loved me and still thinks about me. I totally get the futility of it all, I totally relate to the idea that once something seems impossible, you start to let it go. But I needed to hear him tell me that he still loved me, still wanted me. Now I got to hear it, and in the interesting of freezing this moment, I am going to cease all contact!!!
Any thoughts?
your reply to yourself reading it gave me such comfort, this is what I am hoping for, but right now I seem so far away.
Please explain, what you wrote earlier in this post, about the letter of him to you, did you write it , thinking what you thought he feared, could not do or do? and then he responded you are right on the spot......oh....all I know I need to get to this point, need to get there, you write from my heart....please write back if you can, would value your input. left my email addy under your other post......Hugs, Me
lf4u, I think you've done amazingly well for yourself.
I think you have done the right thing, ending it when you know he still cares about you is so much better than carrying on getting hurt with all the messing around or waiting until he make it obvious that his feelings have faded. I see that although you thought this was for the best in your other posting, which seems comes after this one you are full of doubts again.
I can only go by my experience. I was married and fell madly in love with someone else. There had been problems for about 18 months in my marriage and I had tried to get my husband to talk about things but he didn’t want to know (turned out he was seeing someone else). Like I said I fell head over heels in love and he felt the same way we fought it but we started an affair, we felt we were each other’s soul mates and I have never loved or felt so loved as when I was with him.
The thing is when it became clear that my marriage was going to end because of this I fought hard to save it, I wasn’t in love with my husband but I did love him. I felt I had to stay with the marriage for the vows I took, the children, the times shared together, what everyone else would say and just incase the other relationship didn’t work. My boyfriend was very patient and understanding and looking back it must of hurt him. My marriage ended anyway and my boyfriend and I were together for another 3 years we were to be married but he suddenly ended it. This is why I don’t think that the men talked about on the site intend (well not all of them) to hurt the OW because I acted the same but we know us women think with our hearts and men with their heads. Infact the final split came because my husband realised even if we worked on things I would never get my boyfriend out of my head or heart and he was right.
I can forgive my XMM staying with his family, it hurts but I understand I believe he came very close to leaving but that is beside the point. Just because your man has decided to stay with his wife doesn’t mean he never felt what he said he did for you.
Well here I am 12 years after my divorce in another mess! I have just finished writing a letter to XMM as we have recently spoken and I know he still feels the same for me as I do for him and that us being in contact continues to make it hard for him to work on his marriage (do I care?) I’m letting him go, I need to find someone who is single and who will put me first. I love XMM and believe he loves me our timing has just been wrong. There is no unfinished business between us any more (he was x teenage sweetheart) I feel lucky to have had him in my life for a second time and I now have to be brave and face up to the fact that it is over.
I have to send my letter quickly as I know there will be ups and downs on the road to recovery and I might change my mind. I have learnt that I was always right in my thinking to never get involved with a married man and I will never do it again but he will always have a special place in my heart and I don’t regret it (at the moment).
You did the right thing Lotus, there is too much heartache in holding on to our dreams that won’t come true.
Take care
Natty