I got what I deserved!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
I got what I deserved!
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 7:19pm

Hi, everybody.

It's been 6 weeks since I initiated NC w/ my xAP.

I have been a bad girl - I unblocked him and made the mistake of peeking at his FB page.  I am not one of his FB friends, but I can see new friend activity and can see he's been busy friending attractive female former co-workers (he once told me he "does not friend co-workers on FB" but has LOTS of them, long before we had that discussion).  Not sure why I'm the exception, since we had that conversation about his "policy" long before our A began.

I have to also shamefully admit that I had been day-dreaming about him a lot lately.  Our A began with friendship and I guess I was thinking it was somehow different and that I was special.

My xAP is a separated, emotionally unavailable man who has been at the mercy of his wife for several months.  I know that I was just a nice distraction for him and nothing more.

Be warned my friends.  Aside from a few exceptions, do not delude yourself into thinking your A is somehow different.



Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 9:23pm

Brush yourself off and remember what happened the next time you are tempted.  There is always another time, so remember.  Write it down, if you have to. 

We are glad you are awake, aware and ready. Smile

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 9:53pm

Thanks for this.  The one place I cannot block him is in my mind.  I have moments when I wish I could have certain memories, like the ones of my xAP, erased.  Just like Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet did in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." 

I knew that no good would come of our A going into it, but it was the sweet siren song of desire that made me do it.  I just want it out of my mind for good, move on and be happy again.

I am in a far better place than I was 6 weeks ago, but I am still mourning that feeling of desire and passion - there's where the real loss is for me.  It's not so much the feeling of loss for my xAP, who is a hopeless cause (for some time to come).  I highly doubt he's carrying any kind of a torch for me - he's too busy surviving and assuaging his own pain.

I am mad at myself for allowing him to come back into my thoughts - I did so because I was convinced it was healthier to think kindly on our time together; to think positively of him and of our A as a gift.  I do think that's okay, but only so long as it's buried at sea with kindness, and not back to living/camping out in the recesses of my memory bank!  

Only time heals and I am looking forward to the day when my xAP is just another person I used to know - for whom I have no particular feeling for - good nor bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:48pm

Awww, Pacdover...hate to hear you hurt yourself.  

So, now that you know what you know...that he has truly moved...can you use that information to help you do the same?

How's therapy coming along?



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 10:16am


I agree with Clarity’s assessment as an A as a gift. 

I am almost four weeks out from sending the final NC email.  Last week, the three week mark, was h$ll.  But, this week is better.  A lot better.

I am looking at my A as a gift in this way:  it taught me what my needs really are (need to have an exclusive relationship where I feel SAFE-emotionally, spiritually and even physically.) and I am honoring that need.   And it feels wonderful!  The A reminded me of that need and for that I am grateful.

And, I must confess that I too stalked on XAP’s FB last week (told you it was a bad week!).  And I “confessed” to a board buddy here that I frequently PM.  I think I may have posted about it too-can’t remember.

My XAP is also very “busy” these days on FB.  Imagine that!  His site is also public and he has been a busy little beaver getting lots of new friends, including some of my female co-workers, one of which sits right across from me and is a crazy lady!  And, he has been “liking” several things on her page.  (I am friends with her on FB-don’t ask me why-did it a long time ago.)  And, to boot, he used to tell me that he thought she was crazy too.  (She has a FB page for her cat!  And, yep, you guessed it.  XAP is friends with her cat on FB too!   Puh-leeeesssseeee!)

Anyway, I’ve quit looking.  Know what my T told me in my session last night?  He said that FB is good for people that like to “prowl”.  He believes that my XAP is prowling around, looking for his next A partner.  He’s definitely that type.  So, what did I expect?  He’s just doing what he does; being who he is.  He was looking when he found me.  So, why am I any different than the next AP that chooses to play that role for him?   (Or possibly any previous AP’s of his)  Jeez, his poor W.  Wouldn’t want to be her!

Thinking seriously about deleting my FB account.  


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 10:28am

I think I understand what you are saying and trying to work out.  You are trying to move forward will no ill will.  And that's good, because really, we are all humans with strengths and weakness. He was weak...you were weak...not bad people. And it really is healthier for us when we move on with forgivess towards ourselves and them.

But I'm a little concerned with this line of your thinking:

 >I did so because I was convinced it was healthier to think kindly on our time together; to think positively of him and of our A as a gift.  I do think that's okay, but only so long as it's buried at sea with kindness, and not back to living/camping out in the recesses of my memory bank! <

because considering an affair as a gift as in it gave you the opportunity to escape and avoid real life and seek external validation of your own worth, desirability...that's a little off to me.  I mean, it turned out to be a pretty lousy gift to yourself, right?

Now, to think of an affair as a gift...a gift that gave you the opportunity to re-assess yourself and the choices you have made in your life which led you to this point in your life...okay, there's the gift from an affair.

You know what I'm saying, right? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 1:46pm

Like most losses, I think recovery from an A is a process that ebbs and flows.  What I learned from this is how important it is to stay occupied.  By doing so, it diminishes the opportunity to think about the A & xAP.  NC is one thing, but the mind is always open; always thinking a variety of thoughts - and is at risk of "going there", particularly if there is a trigger.  This is hard work that requires focus and committment.

My marital therapy w/ my H is still in its infancy.  We have so far been to two sessions.  

I am married to someone who is stuggling with, what our therapist refers to as, his "inner critic."  He is a very unhappy, insecure person and as such, has made my life miserable at times.  I mentioned in a previous post that I usually try to escape our home to get away from his constant nagging and generally unhappy moods.

He is there to block most attention that might otherwise be directed my way from other men in the world, yet openly welcomes (and basks in) attention from other women.  Most of our conversations that might begin innocently, often end in arguments.

I am unhappy being married to him, dislike making love to him, and I'm quite certain that this is why I so openly welcomed my A when it happened.

If therapy works, I will be glad to fix this marriage, but I fear that there is potential for the effects of therapy to be short-lived.

Bottom line is, we have to at least try before any decisions about where this marriage is headed can be made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 2:27pm

Sending you a big ole (((HUG))) Pac.  It's a tough spot you're in. I believe strongly that as you continue to get yourself strong and on solid ground, things will become clearer, decisions about which way your life should head will be made...and things will begin to fall into place for you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:45pm

Thanks, Clarity.

One other thing, despite the difficult marriage I am in, I *do* know my xAP would not make good long-term partner material for me.  He is unhappily separated (W left him for another man), living in a co-parenting situation for at least the next 4 years (shared living quarters - switching off and on with his W with one parent in the children's home).  I have no delusions about that, and it's the biggest reason why I made the conscious decision to end it. 

He was/is a nice guy with great chemistry, but I would be hopping from one bad situation to another.  I envision problems and complications -- along with the sacrifices I would have to make on many levels.  I keep reminding myself of these things. 

Your note about the importance of getting strong and on solid ground could not be more true.

If it helps fellow posters, here is a link to one of Wayne Dyer's videos, "Wishes Fulfilled" that give me hope and inspiration for the future:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yJP9cuKNqI.