I Guess This is It
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| Sun, 06-26-2005 - 1:27am |
This is the first time I am posting on this board. I have been "lurking" for a while here and in "My Affair Support". I need help, please...........
Today my MM told me that he could not leave his home, primarily his daughter. Though his marriage is loveless, it's his daughter that keeping him there. I have been in A with the MM for over two years now. For the last year, he has been telling me (and quite convincingly) that he loves me and that he wants a future with me.
For the last six months, he has been working on moving out, looking for his place and telling his daughter. In the last few months, he has said that he wants to move in with me (after I said he could and should), but along with lots of excuses, nothing materialized. Today, he finally said he couldn't.
I wasn't surprised, but I am so hurt. Overall, we have had a wonderful relationship. I am divorced and while I have had other intimate/close relationships before, MM has shown me so many wonderful things, many "first-times" including simple things like acting crazy and riding in a shopping cart while we're both dressed in business suits. Our intimate moments were so loving and incredible. At restaurants with him, I've never enjoyed food so much before. He just made life experiences so wonderful. Now, I guess it's all over. He is walking away from what he calls the best thing that has happened to him. I can't and I don't want to compete with his daughter....if in fact, it's all about his daughter. But how do I get over him????? How do I get through the coming days, weeks and months without him. We were each other's best friends....we talked everyday and we talked about everything with each other. I've lost my lover, my best friend.....and this is only two months after I lost my brother, another best friend. It's also only six months after my divorce which was stressful in of itself. The pain I am feeling is so overwhelming even my prozac and therapy are not helping me at this point.
MM was my world and now my world is crashing down around me. I feel like I have nothing...yet, I know I have so much. I just recently bought a beautiful home (which is the reason I asked MM to move in with me.) I also have a great job but emotionally, I can't handle any more pain. I don't know how to get through this. How do others deal with such pain and loss? My therapist says that breaking up and divorcing are often worse than dealing with death. This is because death is final but in divorce and breaking up, the person is still around. I guess I'll find out soon. I'll let you know. I lost both of my best friends in little over two months.
Any advice....words of wisdom out there?????

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Dear Cyprus,
I'm sorry but I have no advice for you.
Hi Cyprus,
Welcome to the board. This board is a little different that the affair board because here we are not going to sugar coat it or support you as you let a married man wreck your life. We don't think there is anything cute or romantic about affairs or lying and deceiving other people to get your own needs met. Here, if you read the different people's stories you will sadly see that your great love and soulmate experience was not much different than everyone else's here. You will see that the wonderful qualities your MM possesses sounds eerily similiar to the men the other ladies describe - and this is because its all a dog and pony show that these married men put on for your benefit. When you realize this you will be relucant to admit its true but the sooner you do, the sooner you will see this relationship for what it is and you will start to heal. If you wallow in it and romanticize it too long, you run the risk of becoming stuck and that is bad.
The best advice I can give you at this time is 1) make sure you clearly communicate with him that you thank him for his honestly and that you are moving on and that it is over. Tell him that if he has a change of heart, do not contact you until he is moved out with divorce papers in his hand. 2) make yourself strong now - emotionally, physically and spiritually because these men almost always resurface and be prepared for him to twist his words around to confuse you (which is why you have to do number 1)and make you doubt yourself. Be prepared to keep saying over and over - 'I am sorry but until you are divorced, it's over.' 3) the best way and really the only way to start the healing/getting strong process is no contact at all - do not reply to his emails, VM, dont pick up the phone or agree to see him. There's nothing to talk about! Trust me, if he gets divorced, he will camp out on your doorstep to tell you. You won't accidentally miss his news. 4) I recommend a therapist as a safe place to talk about this all. Personally, I am not a big fan of medication. I of course dont know you personally but unless you have a chemical imbalance, I think its healthier to deal with your problem head on and use means like therapy, exercise, an active social life, a dog, good nutrition and sleep, etc to recover. But that's just me. No offense to anyone on meds. 5) You are just divorced. Me too. Get to know yourself. What do you like to do? Eat? Wear? Do you have a favorite exercise sport? Hobby? Imagine yourself writing a personals ad. Who are you? 6) Read books on self esteem and growing and getting to know you. I recommend Wayne Dyer "There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem" and Iyanla Vanzant "In the Meantime". 7) When you are ready, maybe in the fall, get out there and start dating. Date everyone, have low expectations and look at it as just having fun. lets face it, you are divorced and just came out of a bad relationship. Do you really know the type of guy who is best for you? Don't have preconceived notions or judge too quickly. Try an online site like Match. Just have fun with it and at the least you will get to meet new people.
But remember - NO CONTACT UNTIL DIVORCE PAPERS.
Hugs,
Ivy
Cyprus
This my sound strange but:::Don't try to avoid the pain let it come and embrace it, you will live through it and come out the other end, trying to run away will just make it hurt longer.
What if I may ask is the origin of your screen name ?
Free
{{{{{{{{{{{Cyprus}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Ive had many losses in my immediate family, one right after the other, sometimes very shocking and tragic. Please lean on your friends. Sometimes we want to not feel the grief because it is far too painful. I wouldn't expect medication or therapy to suddenly take those feelings away. Sometimes grief is inevitable. Knowing that others go through this can be helpful because it makes it seem more "normal" that YES we do have to grieve sometimes. My advice is to monitor and let others monitor the length of grief. This does take a reasonable amount of time. What time that is can be the hard part to understand. Two months to me is unreasonable to think that you *should* be feeling better. The points to watch is to make sure unreasonable damage is ok. Please be careful about intoxicants etc. to numb pain...it rarely does a positive bandaid. I.E. stay away from alcohol or recreational drugs and please, unless a chemical balance has been determined by a blood test, be careful of anti-depressants.
Having this affair grief is not helpful as it adds to the physical and mental grief and depression. Do know that there were people in your life before this MM to help you. I know your brother was your friend as well ...that is what makes it hard. I felt that way when my own brother died and I wished my mother was around so badly...no one else wouldve been able to help me or guide me through his tragic ending and death and the decisions that were needed to be made. Please keep in mind that a relationship with a MM is never fully a reliable relationshp as far as being able to be there for you 100%. Yes, its easy to say that they were the ones who knew us better (they know some big secrets huh?) but there are others in your life. Do not make the pedestal that we put MM's on that much bigger. They are human with unfortunately built in flaws already. Some actually have flaws we refuse to see and make a lot of justifications for because of the chemicals and stimulants that having this kind of relationship endorse.
My advice to you is to monitor yourself closely. Try to "mother" yourself as much as you can...comfort but with boundaries. Maybe get some books like Ivy suggested if youve never been through a grieving process. Talk to anyone who will listen. I made a mistake of indulging myself too much and gained alot of weight, I didn't care about myself as much as I should and I took advantage of not having anyone to monitor me or care enough to be around me to shake me up a bit about getting on with life sooner. I unfortunately was hit with one grief after another with very lil time to recover inbetween and kind of wore it like a badge of entitlement. I got very used to being in the victim mode...it became my role among my friends. I have regrets that I wasn't stronger nor allowed anyone to be close enough to get reality into it. I think there is a happy medium to "getting over it" and "properly recovering from huge tragedy". I didnt have kids that needed me. No one needed me so what the hell...i'll baby myself. I think i couldve given myself a bit more resilience but i gave myself perhaps too much tolerance. Anyway...I know this now and its my responsibility now to be ..well.....responsible for my own happiness. I still miss everyone...but I am not dead. I don't think they'd want me to "honor" their love this way. I think ..........after alll of this....i loved. Enough of trying to prove it. Life is going on with or without me. Somedays i think there are more people on the otherside that love me (than here) and wish i was there but I cannot dishonor their struggle to want to live by wanting to die. So...if i get a chance to live...I better honor it and take it. What will come of it? I have no idea but its not my right to know at my own hand what it wouldn't be like. KWIM?
Get good sleep, eat as well as you can. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress (i need to do more of it...thank you IVY) and lean on your friends. Ask a good one if its ok if you ask to talk to her more than you normally would. So many people would never feel put out helping you in this time. Let them know you realize that you may be leaning more than usual...they will certainly respond out of love if you have good intentions...they know that.
Come here and post often as you need, Lots of good hearts here...smart ones too...sometimes tough love...but that is what i mean by "mothering" yourself.
:::::hugs:::::::::
Lizzie
Thank you so much for your message. Yes, we have very similar facts here. I, too worked with my MM. About 9 mos ago, he was transferred to another office so this should help me a bit. He, too, said he sees us "growing old together". We talked about so many trips we wanted to take together. Yes, I want to commiserate with you.
I just want to say thank you to all who have posted a response. I appreciate all the different points of view....Ivy's practical and direct approach was rather refreshing. It will probably be the one I refer to when I become too emotional.
To Free: My screen name is actually where my brother lived. When he became ill, he was airlifted out of Cyprus into Geneva but fell into a coma and never regained consciousness.
To Lizzie: A few days after my brother's funeral, I completely tore my achilles tendon. I needed surgery and it's a very long road to recovery. Even two months later, I am still waiting hopping around in crutches. I only recently went back to work, only to find out that my suits are getting tight. So yes, I will need to diet but exercising will be limited to my upper body. As to "mothering" me, thats a bit difficult, too. Everything is so frustrating to do.
I realize that MM is never 100% available...yet, MM tried so hard. He tried to be there for me when my brother died and he was there for me when I needed surgery on my achilles tendon. Even before the A, MM and I worked very closely together and he was my best friend then. Then the big A....WOW, because he knew me so well, what a whirlwind A. He absolutely swept me off my feet. Then it had to get serious....just what I needed. And now here I am, alone and hurt. Thank goodness...I don't think I'm confused in the sense that I was truly expecting this. This doesn't mean, however, it didn't hurt like h-ll!!
In fact, it still hurts and reading these posts made me cry. I would imagine, I will continue to cry off and on.
Again, please keep sending me messages of support. I only wish I posted much earlier. You are right....this is very helpful.
Cyprus
I KNOW HOW DEVASTATED YOU FEEL, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE. MY ADVICE IS DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
My MM said the exact same thing to me(the only problem, he has three children.) I cried and left and he came back and said that "he will try to work something out." Cry in front of him, he needs to see that his little daughter isn't going to be the only person hurt by him. Now he sees you as an adult woman, perfectly capable of taking care of herself, versus a little helpless daughter, but he has to see your pain and tears and realize how much you need him also.
Anyway, long story short and many obstacles later, one year after saying this thing to me, my MM filed for a divorce and permanently moved out. Don't listen!!! Guide him where you want to go with the relationship. But for now, give him an option to enjoy his family life without you. I give this guy a week to beg on your doorstep. He thinks he can stay for his daughter, let him! He will soon realize that no daughter will ever substitute for your love.
<<<<>>>>
She is an adult woman and is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and surrounding herself with HEALTHY relationships when she needs support.
There is no substitute for a daughter's love for sure. There is no substitute for a father's love either. The adult female can find other sources. This is not a competition between the daughter and the poster and I think the poster knows that (i hope to hell she does).
I say if you love someone, you want them to do the right thing. Even if you don't benefit. (perhaps I don't know what love is? ). How selfish does one really have to be in the name of love? How much fighting should there be to get what you want? Is it worth getting what you want...this way??? She knew she was in an affair...these are the risks. At what point does one not have to live up to that responsibility?? Certainly not by dragging the daughter into it and "crying so he will see how she is hurt too" ..
DO NOT COMPARE OR MAKE THEM COMPETE. this is NOT about who needs him more because kids always will. HANDS DOWN adult women in this situation will lose and should in my opinion. Frankly i'd think he is being "honorable" if he is concerned for his children or scared to leave because of them and the impact. Should he involve himself in an affair? Is it fair that he did? NO. He screwed up big time. He is trying to fix it but it may not be what the adult woman in this wants. These are the casualties...and if chosing I'd rather see an adult woman hurt than a kid. We all get hurt in our lives. If HE feels he can't leave and make it work with his child...isn't that something to consider??? Enough reason? You cannot control everything. They both took a gamble. Start getting out of the victim mode...that helps with realizing her own choice of getting involved with a married man and not resenting his life at home or his children.
I say the opposite of Nybeauty. Listen to him because the truth of this whole thing is starting to come out and be clearer. He got involved in something that he cannot follow through on. I am not of the school that someone needs another specific person so bad that it over-rides destroying everyone else in the situation. I have never wanted to be that selfish. I soon realized this when I wanted my xMM to go back to his wife...but also realized...that what he was doing with me wasn't love but a search for an escape from his life. (thank god he has no children and i hope he never does) but now he is involved with a woman and her kids...he is a serial cheater and an escape artist who finally worked it to leave his wife. This is not the same kind of guy as Cyprus's. Her's has some kind of sense of committment from probably what is the only honest relationship he has....with his daughter. I'd never want someone to give that up for me. He may leave his wife...but it shouldnt be out of begging, manipulation, or cajoling. It should ONLY be because HE wants to. Perhaps he is finding this out on his own. That is the way it should be. That is the only way i'd want it and expect it because of how insecure any other way would make me feel as being sincere and truly from his heart and reassurance. This is my humble opinion. Kids first. I'd respect him for that immensely regardless of how it serves me...the adult.
I wish her clarity, strength and wisdom,
Lizzie
If she gets into compation with the mans little girl she will lose hands down.
Real Love is about give not takeing, doing what is good for the loved person not what "seems" good for yourself.
To Free, Lizzie and NYBeauty: I am glad that things worked out for NYBeauty. But, for me, I know that this is not about competition. I don't see it as one and I don't want one with his daughter. I agree with Free....I would lose anyway. I already have. I only wish MM would stop leaving me messages. Its really messing with my mind. He says he can't be with me but continues to leave me VM. Like a fool I keep checking and though I get a sense of happiness that he still leaves me messages, I haven't returned any of his messages. My goodness, I sound so confused....I guess it's just mixed emotions.
This board has been so helpful. I feel I can vent. I was never one to believe that writing out thoughts and emotions would help but what an awakening.
Thanks to you all.
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