I guess its not an A anymore... ;(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
I guess its not an A anymore... ;(
9
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 5:35pm

I am hurt and confused. Last week on Friday my MM made a decision he 'couldnt do this anymore' - he told me he was upset that he couldnt make time for us to be together- that was his main concern.
(I personally think if you wanted to be with someone you would FIND the time)
anyway, I went to chat with him Sunday and he couldnt even look me in the eye when we talked about WHAT NOW?
he tells me (his exact words) "Nothing has changed, he still cares and loves me , wants to talk to me all the time, help me with my problems and be there for me'.
For those of you out there who have already ended an A (yor choice) what can this mean?
He wants a friendship but still talks to me 4 -5 times a day-I dont now any FRIENDS who talk that much!
My gut feeling is that he freaked over the whole thing and it finally got to him in some way... I dont know

In any event any insight would be helpful about why he may have said and done what he did and most imprtnatly- how can I get past the HURT when I still love him so much (and he knows and says he loves me back)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 7:57pm

Imdana

Nothing he says matter one little bit you need to do what you need to do to recover from this, THIS RIENDSHIP thing only keeps the wounds open and the pain flowing.

You need to insist on TOTAL NO CONTACT so that you can disentangle your emotions and begin to heal.

After you head has had some time to clear you need to face up to the WHYS of this affair and deal with them in a way that will lead to a happy affair free future.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:53pm

dana,

i too am an advocate of No CONTACT and NO Friendship, it will never end if u are friends with him, it will be the anchor that keeps you grounded in the boat of misery, u have to let go

take care of yourself now

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 5:16am

I wish I could- I work for his dad and he works for my husband. Our hobby is also intertwined. I wont ever be able to do no contact- hence why this is so hard...
I did somethiking last night (most of the night in fact ) and realized why I had even gotten involved. I was missing the emotional connection in my life and he ended up prpvoding it. BUT when I really thought long and hard- Im not sure if I PUSHED him into all this (he always said the IC wasnt the important part)and once his urges took over, was when we were intimate (only a handful of times)

Right now I want to tell him I Need to heal BECAUSE I still LOVE HIm (and honestly always will- its that strong)but becayuse the meotional 'wanting me, feeling desirable to another etc etc ' is no longer there I need to step back.
Im not sure I can even do it either-it just HURTS so much.

If I knew there wouldnt be consequences(I am M with a young son- he is M as well with a daughter) I would run off with him today....

And I just cant get past that feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 5:52pm

update:
so for some reason I called him again and pushed for information.

What I got is an answer ,although I dont LIKE it - it makes sense and I feel badly.

When I finally pushed and pushed , he told me he felt he needed to stop because he felt GUILTY , not of being in an A but that he LOVED someone else and was still married (I guess that is the same thing but he didnt think so)

I asked if it had been me that caused it and he said it was a cumulative feeling that he really didnt realize WHAT it was until he 'blurted it out'.

So Im not sure what will be happening as he REALLY wants to stay in my life.

We chatted a little about the 'right person, wrong time' so we will see what happens down the road.

In any case I still love him with all my heart, my Marriage is falling apart -even if I am trying to see if anything is still there ( I dont think it is) and I guess I may be alone soon.

Time will tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 6:11pm

Dana

There is no way that you can honestly or clearly look at your marriage well your chaseing around after another man, it just does not work.

You said in a post that you would run away with him if it were not for the kids, the reality is that very very few of these men that cheat will ever leave there wife for the OTHER WOMAN.

Another reality is that affairs are rarely based on enough real healthy emotions and common ground to make a relationship that can survive in the real world, there is a reason more then 95 percent die in less then one year after going public.

The same things in each of you that caused you to think that cheating was something you could justify to yourself is still there in each of you and it would be just as liable if not more so to cause problems in the new relationship as it did in both old relationships.

CHEATING DOES NOT SAY ONE WORD ABOUT OUR SPOUSE OR MARRIAGE BUT IT DOES SPEAK VOLUMES ABOUT US. We cheat because of US not because of anyone else.

JMHO

Free

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 6:12pm
I don't think you know that you "love him and always will", particularly the "always will" part. Consider the possibility that you won't always love him. Also, it's important to put the behavior before the feelings, that is do NC before you fall out of love with him. If you wait until the feelings to change, you'll be stuck for a longer period of time. With NC comes a different perspective and a wisdom you won't be able to imagine without NC.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 6:30pm
The "Love him and always will" part is very tricky. Be CAUTIOUS with these words. I thought that too about my MM..and now know that I won't love him forever. Affairs are NOT a true relationship. Affairs give us small romantic spaces of time, that don't include sharing a house, the bills, or kids. That's part of the big draw. We are suddenly involved with a person as JUST US. Not as so and so's mother or so and so's wife who expects the garbage to be taken out. We are seeing the other person with rose colored glasses. That alone can create a situation where someone thinks they are in TRUE LOVE.
And you cannot judge your own marriage, until you stop this affair..because it's hard to see the good things in our spouse when we're so busy being starry eyed over someone who we're "Sneaking" around with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 6:26pm
Excellent post, MeFree!
Sanguine
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 8:13am

<>

It's not the same thing. What he's saying is, if it were "only" an A, he wouldn't feel guilty..he feels guilt because of the feelings he has for you. If someone is engaged in an A, it doesn't always mean there are feelings of love there..maybe for woman, generally speaking, but men more easily mess around without those pesky little emotions getting in the way.

You had said NC is impossible because of the circumstances..same here. Me and H have been friends with XMM and his W throughout this whole thing. The A's been over for many months, yet I'm still having to face certain situations that put us together...such as this coming weekend. They invited us to an event for which they said "is on us"..thereby making it even more difficult to say no. Still, I haven't seen him in 2 months, which was the last time we got together with them. So I still see him MUCH less than I used to.

Every day you can not IM, text, email, and especially see XMM, is one you gain a little more strength. Do your best to minimize the contact, and only permit those that are absolutely necessary.