I had a weird thing happen today

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
I had a weird thing happen today
12
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:58pm
The weirdest thing happened today. I'm sure a lot of you, especially those of you who have been involved in an A with a MM that's in your close circle of friends, can relate to this.

My MM and I were good good friends before the A, and the A was quickly put on ice when his W became jealous of the friendship. Really. The sex is over. But the depth of the intimacy and the strong emotional connection was so intense, that pretty much not a second goes by that I don't think about him and what we experienced. The sex was fantastic, but the relationship was very emotionally intimate. We were definitely 2 peas in a pod. He seemed resigned to staying in his marriage though...mainly because, as he said, "I made my bed, now I have to lie in it." And he certainly didn't sound very happy about lying in that bed.

Anyway - with that said....a common friend of ours today told me that he went to dinner with the OM last night. He does NOT know about us. He began to tell me how OM opened up to him like he never had before, in a discussion about finding the "right one," and how he knew right away that his wife was "absolutely the one" as soon as he met her, and how he knew there would never be another one ever again, that she was the ONE, and that he played around a lot before meeting his W, but from that moment on, he never ever wanted another woman again, that this was it. The woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

My God. I just had absolutely no idea what to say to that....even though I was hearing from a friend who was just thinking that my OM was the sweetest, most dedicated husband in the world, and how he hoped he could someday have that kind of love, that kind of relationship with a woman too.

I wanted to burst out laughing, while at the same time my heart just dropped to my stomach. I actually felt physically ill to hear this.

Unfortunately for me, even though as far as I'm concerned, our physical relationship is over, we still see each other every day at work, and while we seem to be great buddies when we're around other people, like we always were, I feel so awkward around him, that I don't know what to say when we're alone. Tonight he was in my office, alone with me, and I could NOT stop thinking about what my friend had told me, and I probably seemed rude because I was literally biting my tongue in order to not say something about what I'd been told. I just am having such a hard time handling this.

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anonymous user
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:40pm
I can empathise, but have no experience of working with my exOM nor do we share any mutual friends. I guess you could say that I managed to defecate somewhat further from the nest than some since exOM lives about an hour's drive away.

I can therefore only imagine how deeply it must have cut to hear just how precious MM's wife & marriage are to him without the cover of MM's lover's lies. And worse, perhaps, is knowing you've now heard the truth about MM's feelings about his wife & marriage not even from MM's own lips, but second-hand from someone with no motive to lie to or hurt you. It smarts to discover untruths even when we realise they were designed to spare us pain.

EMA's are almost invariably selfish fantasy bubbles and have little to do with honesty, no matter how much we swear, promise and protest we are being honest and open.

In that bubble, we can often share our most basic hopes, dreams and fears, but rather than spoil a good ego-boosting feel-good, many tell lover's lies rather than admit truths like, "Well, actually, I DO love my wife/husband, have no intention of ever leaving her/him, and to be perfectly honest I really just fancied a little something extra, ya know...different, and well I quite like you really."

My advice? Firstly, let your friend continue to believe MM to be the "sweetest, most dedicated husband in the world." Permit your friend to continue to aspire to having a love such as he perceives your MM has. Above all, allow your friend to hope he could someday have that kind of love, that kind of relationship with a woman too.

Secondly, do the work needed on yourself before seeking this kind of love for yourself from someone free and proud to be with you.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 7:03am
I completely understand what you are feeling. Something similar to that happened to me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing when this other person was telling me what my OM had said to her, and it took everything I had in me not to tell her what a lying sack of sh-- he was. I couldn't hold my tongue with him though. As soon as our conversation was over, I called him on the phone and arranged a meeting where I told him exactly what I knew and how hurt and angry I was about it. Like you, I felt physically ill and like the biggest fool in the world. Still, as angry as I am about what he did, a day does not pass that I don't think fondly of him. THAT is what makes me the biggest fool in the world.

Probably the thing that baffles me the most is WHY he did this to me. I wanted our relationship to be fun, sexual, and mutually respectful. He took it to a whole different level when he started talk about marriage and such. I resisted the talk but eventually gave in to fantasizing what it might be like. That is when my heart bought into the line of crap he had been feeding me. It was so unnecessary to go to that level, but then to find out that it was all a lie. Why? My heart was crushed and it sent me into a major depression where I couldn’t even go to work for a week and had to be put on medication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:43pm
<<<>>>

Your words made my heart skip a beat. Up until a few moments ago, I had totally repressed those weeks/months when I was dealing with the same thing. My doctor put me on Zoloft, to deaden the pain of my affair. Silly me just continued right along with the lies and deceit and the denial, only now all of this stuff would role right off of my back like sewer water. Then one day, I threw the pills out. It took about 3 weeks, but reality came crashing down like a ton of bricks and WHALA! My eyes were finally opened, and my heart was finally closed! TO HIM! It's as if I had swallowed the largest "Indifference" pill ever made. From that point on, I slowly undid all of the damage of the last 4 years, one step at a time, until I was whole again.

Now I look back on what I had thought was the most beautiful, loving, intelligent man I have ever met with as much fondess as I have for alley rodents.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:51pm
OMG, that must have been horrible to have to hear those things. I am so sorry. Just TRY to keep in mind that you are continuing to do the right thing and you will get over this.

Ohhh...I can totally relate and feel for you guys. I work with OM, too, and after a party that my H and I attended, and also OM and his W, I had the *pleasure* of being in on a conversation about how wonderful and adorable his W is and what a perfect little couple they are. Made me feel like a ridiculous, foolish troll. He keeps telling me that we are only friends and our connection is purely a sexual one. I still get high on the attention. I feel like such an idiot though! I know it's irrational, but my biggest fear is not coming out on top here- I want to be the one to make the clean break, because the depression is so intense otherwise. (We've ended before) Just so hard to do. And I ALSO still think fondly of him, too! Why??

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 7:25pm
lilyann77

What you may be feeling fondly about is the way he made you feel about yourself, you associate feeling good about yourself to him.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:31pm
Damn, you are GOOD, Free!

That makes it a little easier to sort through my feelings. :)

Thanks!
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:47am

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. But, look at it this way: maybe MM said those things because he WANTS to believe them and the more he thinks he says them, the more he will believe them.
Hang in there!




Edited 2/16/2005 1:31 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:58am
Iris, I think that's the closest response to the way things really are. I don't hate him for lying to my friend...what the heck was he supposed to say? Tell him the truth? No way. He lied to make himself LOOK like the adoring, devoted husband he probably imagined he would be when he got married.

And yes, I know he has a guilty conscience, and would probably like to be the man he described himself to be, but can't quite break off the emotional affair with me. We haven't had sex for a few months, but a few weeks ago I asked him how he felt about me now and he said he believed he loved me. But it's been really difficult. I think he wishes he didn't. I know I wish I wasn't so attached to him that I smile in pain (if that makes sense) when I see him kiss his wife. I wish I didn't care.

I don't think he ever lied to me about his feelings for me, but I know he's quite capable of lying because he's lied to his wife about lots of things - usually regarding me. And I don't think he's a jerk - we're two people who are married to other people and have families, yet met someone we were much better matched for too late. And neither of us wants to leave our families. He's got a heck of a lot more to lose than I do, and I completely understand where he's coming from. To tell you the truth, I think he made a great lover and friend, but a lousy husband. In a way, I'm glad he's someone else's husband and not mine!!!!

I am tired of having so much of my emotions invested in him, even though I'm still immensely hung up on him. So, I'm ending it. Meaning that I'm telling him we can't be friends either, because I don't trust myself around him, he doesn't trust himself around me, and it's only complicated and difficult to get together even though we're not doing anything 'wrong' anymore. We have to pretend in front of our friends, and act like we just happened to be at the same place at the same time in order to hang out for 15 minutes at a bar. So stupid and ridiculous. It's stupid because now that the only time we are able to speak openly and frankly one on one is so rare, that I have absolutely nothing to say to him anymore when I have him alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:37pm

Dothelimbo, good luck on your journey and you know you have friends here to support you when you make that final move and let him go totally.

Hang in there! It's got to get better.




Edited 2/16/2005 1:33 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 2:02am
Strong like ME? Clean break with NC? You are soooooo funny!

I actually tried today....tried to spend 10 minutes alone with him to read him a letter I wrote that nicely ended the relationship (saying it was too complicated to have even a friendship anymore, so lets just give up, but thanks for everything) and he began to talk to me (I never did get to read the letter) about how frustrated he also was about not ever begin able to spend time together, telling me that he feels like he's not in control of his life (which is the truth. His wife has him running a virtual treadmill - I know - I see it every day).

Before I tried to speak with him this morning I thought maybe I was the only one being emotionally tortured over this, and now I don't, which has somewhat changed my course of action. I don't know what it'll be, but now I'm not sure. Yesterday I was sure. Strong? I guess not. Clean break? I tried, but haven't yet had the chance. No contact? Never happen. I see him every flippin day. There's actually no way he and I can avoid each other, even if we really, truly wanted to.

You know what? I'm screwed.

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