I hang my head in shame
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| Sun, 12-20-2009 - 5:23pm |
I am actually scared to post this. I was doing so well. I broke NC and I am so embarrassed to tell you this. Nothing came about it. A good thing i suppose. I really am having more low points than high points. I really am missing him and wanting him. There is no future here though and that makes it all the more difficult. What I felt was real. Has to be right? I have never been so confused about anything. I thought I was piecing it all together but that all fell apart on me. So Day 1 again (damn it) I do this to myself. Today I am just waiting and waiting for him to contact me. Not going to happen. I have posted before that I am aware of this and yet I still fall and succumb to his power. I gave up my control again :(
There I did it. I wasnt going to post I was actually scared of the responses. Im ready! Let me have it LOL That is probably what I need.

Did you just leave a message or did you actually speak to him?
I'll wait until you answer Withclarity's questions before I give a more detailed response. No point in just repeating myself and she asked excellent questions.
This must be "Falling off the horse" week. I should have looked more closely at my calender.
~Iddy~
Hi Clarity, I thought about your questions and I really tried my best to answer best I can. I am having a tough time sorting through my feelings right now. So here it goes:
1. Why did you not come here before breaking NC?
I wish I knew.. I had a weakness the other night and I overcame that by posting my message on here. Why I didnt do that again?? I don't know :(
2. What did you hope to accomplish by reaching out to JAM?
I wanted to know that I was still in his mind and that he still felt something towards me. I know it sounds so lame. I missed him so much. I am in so much pain.
3. What do you think might change this time around?
I know NOTHING will change. This is what makes me so sad and so very confused!
4. What do you plan on talking about IF he returns your call.
I didnt plan that far in advance LOL. I really just wanted to know that he still wanted me and that he still thinks about me. I miss his voice and the great conversations we used to have.
5. Why would no future with him make things more difficult? I don't understand your line of thinking.
This is a tough question for me to answer. This was the man of my dreams and he made me feel things that no other man has made me feel. If I get a message from him my heart starts to flutter. This happens if I see him or if he call. Even after 2 years. Knowing that this started the way it did there is no chance of survival. He has a family and I would never want to come between them. Really I wouldn't and that is why I am walking away. I am also walking away because I cant be with a man I cant trust. I know that if tables were reversed and I was in the LIGF positon I would be called the psycho LOL. So no future. I guess when I say that no future is all the more difficult is my way of wishing there was a future but reality of it is there is not.
I am focused on not being in it anymore. I cant! I just cant anymore.
Hi Believe,
Try not to beat yourself over this too much or else you'll scare yourself into 'not trying NC' again.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
1. Why did you not come here before breaking NC?
I wish I knew.. I had a weakness the other night and I overcame that by posting my message on here. Why I didnt do that again?? I don't know :(
I can answer that for you...because you didn't want to be talked out of calling him, right?
ladies you are so right. I hate to admit it but I do enjoy the ego stroke. Has to be... right? I have yet to hear back from him and that is ok. I will consider that a blessing. I am going to stay on course. No looking back! I am so sick of being that person that says one thing and does another. I constantly disappoint myself like that. I need to keep this promise to myself! Thank you for being there! This is not going to be easy! This is a touchy subject to many in my life and it is not easy to talk to them about it. I am so thankful that I can turn to this board. :)
Hanging in there!!!!
((IBIM))
<>
Now that's the right attitude but we all understand that it's easier said than done. You can do this, I_Believe, because I believe in you. We've all had a few slips in the ending process but getting back up and trying again is what it's all about.
~Iddy~