I hang my head in shame

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
I hang my head in shame
8
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 5:23pm

I am actually scared to post this. I was doing so well. I broke NC and I am so embarrassed to tell you this. Nothing came about it. A good thing i suppose. I really am having more low points than high points. I really am missing him and wanting him. There is no future here though and that makes it all the more difficult. What I felt was real. Has to be right? I have never been so confused about anything. I thought I was piecing it all together but that all fell apart on me. So Day 1 again (damn it) I do this to myself. Today I am just waiting and waiting for him to contact me. Not going to happen. I have posted before that I am aware of this and yet I still fall and succumb to his power. I gave up my control again :(

There I did it. I wasnt going to post I was actually scared of the responses. Im ready! Let me have it LOL That is probably what I need.

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 5:56pm

Did you just leave a message or did you actually speak to him?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 6:34pm

I'll wait until you answer Withclarity's questions before I give a more detailed response. No point in just repeating myself and she asked excellent questions.


This must be "Falling off the horse" week. I should have looked more closely at my calender.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 6:34pm

Hi Clarity, I thought about your questions and I really tried my best to answer best I can. I am having a tough time sorting through my feelings right now. So here it goes:

1. Why did you not come here before breaking NC?

I wish I knew.. I had a weakness the other night and I overcame that by posting my message on here. Why I didnt do that again?? I don't know :(

2. What did you hope to accomplish by reaching out to JAM?
I wanted to know that I was still in his mind and that he still felt something towards me. I know it sounds so lame. I missed him so much. I am in so much pain.

3. What do you think might change this time around?
I know NOTHING will change. This is what makes me so sad and so very confused!

4. What do you plan on talking about IF he returns your call.
I didnt plan that far in advance LOL. I really just wanted to know that he still wanted me and that he still thinks about me. I miss his voice and the great conversations we used to have.

5. Why would no future with him make things more difficult? I don't understand your line of thinking.

This is a tough question for me to answer. This was the man of my dreams and he made me feel things that no other man has made me feel. If I get a message from him my heart starts to flutter. This happens if I see him or if he call. Even after 2 years. Knowing that this started the way it did there is no chance of survival. He has a family and I would never want to come between them. Really I wouldn't and that is why I am walking away. I am also walking away because I cant be with a man I cant trust. I know that if tables were reversed and I was in the LIGF positon I would be called the psycho LOL. So no future. I guess when I say that no future is all the more difficult is my way of wishing there was a future but reality of it is there is not.

I am focused on not being in it anymore. I cant! I just cant anymore.

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 7:03pm

Hi Believe,


Try not to beat yourself over this too much or else you'll scare yourself into 'not trying NC' again.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 8:41pm
The bottom line is that you wanted your ego stroked.
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 8:49pm

1. Why did you not come here before breaking NC?


I wish I knew.. I had a weakness the other night and I overcame that by posting my message on here. Why I didnt do that again?? I don't know :(


I can answer that for you...because you didn't want to be talked out of calling him, right?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 3:26am

ladies you are so right. I hate to admit it but I do enjoy the ego stroke. Has to be... right? I have yet to hear back from him and that is ok. I will consider that a blessing. I am going to stay on course. No looking back! I am so sick of being that person that says one thing and does another. I constantly disappoint myself like that. I need to keep this promise to myself! Thank you for being there! This is not going to be easy! This is a touchy subject to many in my life and it is not easy to talk to them about it. I am so thankful that I can turn to this board. :)

Hanging in there!!!!

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 6:23am

((IBIM))


<>


Now that's the right attitude but we all understand that it's easier said than done. You can do this, I_Believe, because I believe in you. We've all had a few slips in the ending process but getting back up and trying again is what it's all about.

   ~Iddy~