I hate to even ask. . .Please answer!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
I hate to even ask. . .Please answer!
3
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:02pm
but i must. I have struggled the last year with whether or not my affair was really real or not. The man i loved, said he loved me too, but was overwrougth with guilt from the moment our emotional affair begain. it only last 3 months--but they were a very intense and exhilirating 3 months for the two of us.

I have been struggling to get over this man since last July. We have stayed in touch--and have had just a few intimiate calls since then. He's told me he loves he a few times. We have hardly seen each other though, except for in social situations.

Suddenly, he has dropped out of sight again. I know this is a crazy stupid story, but it has to do with coaching Little League. Last summer, he told me he thought one of the mothers, I will call her Mo, was very attractive. (trust me: she's not). He also told me last summer he as afraid i had "unleashed" something in him, meaning, i guess, that perhaps he had now tried an affair once and perhaps he would do it again. This year for little league, he made a real push to coach with Mo's husband. Doing so brought some criticism from other coaches as that team has more coaches than any other (unfortanately, my assistant coach has yet to show up, so i am single-handedly managing 15 boys on my own). I told him i thought there were too many coaches on one team; and the other coaches did too, but he wouldn't budge. We had a few arguments about it and then finally i let it go. I never told him about my suspicions about Mo. One night he called me. He talked about a few things and then he said: "Do you really want to know why i want to coach that team? I think Mo is a babe. "

I really have stayed away from him every since as this infuriated me. I have had great difficulty managing my own team--and he has not offered to help me at all. So, then i get to look over at the other side of the field and see him there with his three other stupid coaches.

So this is my question: is he chasing her now?: He fell in love with me during little league season last year--in fact, he told me he fell in love with me the first time he saw me. Soon after, he told me he loved me.

I could deal with his wife--she's cut off and cold; But now to have to think that he is chasing someone else in the same way he did me? What do i make of this? It means that this really meant nothing, that it is a game, right? And that game--falling in love with him--has started me on a downward spiral where my husband reached out--because i was no loonger there emotionally--and had his own affair. I am still not over any of this and it all started last April.

So, for me, it feels like he has moved on, i am an afterthought, last year's pretty girl. But the problem with this is: i still live with the reality of my falling in love with him everyday.

I do hear from him once in a while, though it has cut down dramatically in the last 2 weeks or so. I see him and ignore him. It's all very uncomfortable.

i believed him that this was real and all the amazing things he said to me (i was the most important person in his life; i was like an angel to him; i was the only person he could share things with; if only he had meet me before his wife). But i guess now, and that is where you all come in, is was this just a game for him?

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:22pm
I hate to say this, but it does sound like he's playing a game and I know how that opens up all kinds of questions for you. (I've been there too) Did he mean what he said to me? Was it all a lie? Does he hurt now? Does he miss me?

I don't think you can ever really know what is going through another persons mind. I guess the best indicators I know of are 1. What are his actions? (Its true they do speak louder than words), and 2. What does my gut tell me?

Also, I think it helps to focus on the big picture rather than the little details... Truly, was that a healthy relationship for you? Could you ever really trust him as a partner? If it has no future and you're just putting everyone at risk of incredible pain, is it really a relationship you would even want to be in?

I know you feel you love him - you probably really loved the way he made you feel. You were missing what it was that he seemed to be able to give you. What was that? Where else can you find that feeling? Is it something you can find a way to satisy within yourself?

These are all things I ask myself. Really you're so much better off having him on the other team and away from you. Hold your head up high, heal and then learn from this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:57pm


It sure sounds like he is a player or a head case, one way or the other not worth your time and pain.

More then likely you were not the first woman that he screwed over and you know your not going to be the last, onece he has donehurting this new woman he will most likely find a new victim.

If you can learn from this and try to fix your own marriage if possable.

F

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 8:58pm
Clarice, you are asking a question that noone can really answer except your XMM...and he may not even know. Telling you that he thought that Mo was a "babe" was insensitive and can mean that he is moving on to someone else's wife.

If it is truly over between the two of you then it shouldn't really matter. He is free now to have another A with someone else, and you can sit and try and figure out what that means. He has seen the pain that your A has caused you and the anguish that went along with the "exhilaration"....he obviously hasnt learned anything from it.

What is important right now is YOU.....you are still with your husband and trying to work it out? Then do that..focus all your energy on your house, your family, and stop worrying about what XOM is doing on the little league field.

Jazzdiva