I hate that he thinks I don't care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
I hate that he thinks I don't care.
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 1:11pm

I heard through the grapevine of mutual acquaintances that xAP is hurt and upset that I can just end our relationship so quickly and without a care. No one knows we were anything more than close friends... so basically they just think we had a falling and that I stopped contact (our tension was always obvious so having a fight isn't so hard to believe - haha).

Him thinking I don't care, that it was easy to let go, etc. really upsets me, cuz it's so far from the truth. I still care a lot about him and I feel terrible, putting myself in his shoes as he's hurting and missing me, thinking I don't feel the same.

I guess this not wanting to hurt someone and make them feel good is part of what got me into the A. I could sense his desire to be with me, and part of me "got off" on fulfilling that for him, making him happy. To clarify though, I never had sex with him, and he never pushed for it... I don't go that far. And now I have no interest in being with him but feel depressed because I don't and he wants me to still want him/need him. How f-ed up is this?!?

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 10:21pm
Hi, Red. I have to agree with the others. My immediate reaction upon reading your post was that it was a masterful stroke on his part. Oh, imagine the ego stroke that would be if he could voice his upset to someone else and have you come to him, electronically or otherwise, without ever having to actually contact you himself.

Don't forget. The most caring thing you can do for him is to keep all the doors closed so he can make peace with what's going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 4:32pm

Hi Red,

I guess this not wanting to hurt someone and make them feel good is part of what got me into the A.

Yep.  I would agree with that 100%!  Because I feel that I approach people that way too!  I want everyone to be okay, don’t want to hurt anyone and CERTAINLY don’t want anyone to think poorly of me!  And I can over extend myself to help others.  Bingo.

That’s what made me so vulnerable to “fulfilling” my XAP’s desire to be with me.  (He was the pursuer and instigator and STILL fishes!) 

And this personality trait of mine, especially when it is “unchecked” and unmanaged, has gotten me into a lot of trouble, including my A.  It has cost me my serenity, health, sanity and almost my family!

And I too still “worry” that I am hurting XAP.  He is the king of fishing and I have become the queen of ignoring!  But, time is teaching me that all that stuff is in my head.  Sure, your XAP may have shared that with someone, but as Clarity said, he may have a motive in sharing that, i.e. to manipulate you into again “fulfilling” his desire to be with you.

And my experience has shown me that XAP is a big boy and is doing just fine.  He may fish, but he’s still rockin’ along in his world just fine!

So, I encourage you to let that be his stuff.  Let it go.  Stay focused on what YOU need for YOU.  Take care of YOU, so that you can be the strength and support for your family, not for him.  He doesn’t need you.  Your family does.

Stay strong.  This WILL pass.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 1:56pm

Hey Red :smileyhappy:

Not all that f-ed up, I suppose.  Being nice people and all, we tend to not want to see others hurting.  I think he's just going through what we all here go through...wondering how someone can just impose NC on us and disappear...missing that ego boost by feeling wanted and needed....and we know how that feels.

But guess what, we all learn to get over it, especially when we reconcile with ourselves that it had to be this way. 

Is there a way you can tell this person that you don't want to hear about JAM? Or at least work out a body language that shows you are not interested, so they get the message. Actually, my spidey senses think that he might have said something knowing it would get back to you...cheeky monkey.

At the end of most relationships, we all hurt a little...sometimes one party more than the other...and we just can't concern ourselves about it...well to the point it makes us depressed.   We all get hurt...we all move on.  He's a big boy and will too.