I hate this - its not getting any easier
I hate feeling this way. I have no where else to turn so I post here all the time. I know everyone has heard my story and I keep asking the same things over and over. I just can't help this. I guess if I hear it from someone else on why things happended the way they did - it might help me get over it sooner. I can't help but walking away feeling rejected from this XMM. Not because he wanted to be with his wife but bc I would be all strong and say one thing and then turn around and call him back. Toward the end he wanted to meet and talk about what we were going to do. I told him we didn't need to meet and we talked on the phone. I told him to be with his wife and kids bc I need to be with mine. I told him I needed to be with my h bc I do want another child. I told him that I never had any thoughts of leaving my husband eventhough I told him repeatedly that I would. (I know - thats low) Basically I could not wait around anymore for him. We talked about how hard it was for us to let go when we still wanted to see each other. He told me that he didn't want it to end and our situation is on his mind all the time. He wanted to talk further the next day so I waited for him to call. He was really sincere and I could tell that. He didn't so I did. I called and asked if he wanted to meet after work and talk (what he originally wanted to do) and he blew up at me and said he can't win with me. Total 180 - he said he was going to let me be with my h and that is what I wanted to do and he wasn't going to come between us anymore. I said to him that I wanted him and he blew up and said that I know where he stands and he can't leave her right now and I keep beating him up for it. That is BS. Where did that come from. We talked the day before and he said I have never pressured him to leave his wife - so he was just a bit psycho then. I told him that we never need to talk again and he said fine and that was it. A week went by and I called him back bc I didn't want any hard feelings. (I wanted to act like I was okay with everything). I was so calm and cool. I didn't start any conversation with him and just answered his questions back. I said that I just wanted to make sure he didn't hate me and he said he could never hate me and was thinking about me all weekend. I didn't say it back for once and then I told him to take care and hope everything works out for them and then hung up. I know that bothered him bc he always had to be the one to get off the phone first. I felt great. I looked like I was okay and over him. Well, three days later I called back and he didn't want to talk to me and asked to call me back immediately when he heard my voice. Never called back - 6 1/2 weeks. He won't call back. We saw each other about two weeks ago at a work function. My h works with him. My h and him talked and I talked to his wife. We acted like we didn't know each other. I did that bc I was feeling rejected but why did he act like that to me if he thinks he ended things with me. If I knew that I ended things with him I would have been friendly with him bc I would have felt like I was in control.
I have tried to understand why it happened like that but I just don't know why he acted like that the last time I called. If I could understand that - then it would help me to move on. I know we can't be together in the real world but do you think he just took it as I was moving on when I called him and we did talk the last time. I know I called back but what did that look like.
Just some more opinions. Sometimes I feel so pathetic. I know it doesn't matter how things ended but should I walk away feeling okay or feeling like he rejected me at the end. I know that there are some of you who have moved on and don't understand why I am harping on this but I feel if I can come up with some answers then maybe moving on would be easier.
I am moving on with my H and when I am at home or away from the office I am totally okay with everything. I am happy with my h and our decision to try for another baby. I know this is where I need to be. The only time we really were able to talk was when we were both at work so it makes me think about him.
he is behaving that way that because he doesn't want to feel rejected so maybe him having that last say made him feel a little better. my exMM was that way. when i was ending my attachment to him (i shouldn't even use the word A since it was more emotional) and he repeatedly asked me many many times which city i was moving to. i didn't want to tell since i wanted to disappear with him never knowing where I was. so in the end, he comes back with "i am not even interested to know, i am just trying make conversation". just a small example to give you the picture. so i know how that works. you are not rejected. be strong. it will get better.
PG
I have to say I am so in awe that you have made it 6.5 weeks!!! You are so strong not to call him. From my perspective we said goodbye so many times and it was always hard. There were mean goodbyes, there were loving goodbyes, there were just no calls with no goodbyes at all. I never really found closure in the goodbyes. But for sure, everytime we had any contact there would always be another goodbye. I guess I am just tired of the goodbyes. It hurts too much. You should be really proud for the way you have and are handling yourself.
Survive
Of all the stories posted on this board, I’ve always felt that yours most mirrors my own. My xMM and his wife had their fourth this summer. She wanted it, he gave in.
Too often I’ve lingered over what he’s thinking or feeling. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Could he possibly have loved me as much as he said? If so, how in hell could he let me go?
I took my desire for him as far as it would go and made him choose between me and her. My presence on this board is testament to his choice. I was willing, and I’m so ashamed, to leave my H for the CHANCE to be with xMM. How blind was I!?
I don’t blame you for wondering what he’s thinking or feeling. It’s hard to let go of that habit. I worried about my xMM’s feelings more than anyone elses, including my own, for 2.5 years.
I’ve had a mini-breakthrough in the last two weeks. Instead of wondering about him, I just hope he’s happy. That’s all I ever wanted to do for him, make him happy. He chose to be happy with his wife. I chose to reclaim happy with my H. So every night, my only prayer is that he is getting all the happiness he deserves.
Sure he’s an ass for having an A, but so am I. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to be happy.
And so do you! Reclaim your happiness and just imagine him happy with his life. You'll feel much better.