I have a decision to make and I'm freaking out already!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
I have a decision to make and I'm freaking out already!!!!!
12
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 1:24pm

I rarely post anymore, but to recap my story for those interested:  I had an affair with a man I attend church with.  We have been NC for 4 1/2 months now and I can honestly say I am doing great!!  Sure, he still crosses my mind daily, but not in the crazy obsessive way he used to.  I have come to a point that I can accept it is over, but am not at the point that he is "just another guy" in the room.  The attraction is still there.  

Anyway, our church camping trip is a little over a month away.  I am stressing out over whether to attend or not.  My kids really want to go and we had a great time last year.  I know I can be with him for 2 days and ignore his existance...that isn't my concern.  My concern is how it will affect me mentally/emotionally now that I am doing so much better.  I am scared it will set me back into the pain and heartbreak of the early ending and I DO NOT want to go through that again.  So, I have to decide if I am healed enough that it won't break my heart being with him around the clock for 2 days.....ugh!!!  I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!

JWIA

Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Coming down with a sickness seems like your best way out.  I hate that we still have to be deceiptful after the affair has ended...it stinks.

If you have trouble coming up with an illness as the time draws near...if that's what you choose to do...give us a ring.  I hate that we are all so crafty at deceipt, but I guess now we are doing it for the common good?

We just have to be sure that whatever the illness, camping won't be just what the doctor ordered.

Keep us posted.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011

Wow...a lot of people chimed in on this one. :smileyhappy:  I have read (and will probably read several more times) all the replies and I am considering what everyone said.  To answer some questions thrown at me:  I don't want to go in hopes of seeing him...actually, I would love it if I knew he wasn't going and my family could go with no mental drama.  He might not go...but there is no way I can know for sure.  I don't think I can get hubby to go without me unless some last minute thing comes up, such as me getting sick.  That is a likely possiblitly, too.  I could totally fake sickness until they all get out of the house. :smileyhappy:  I'm serious, my kids are asking several times a week and talking about all the things they did last year.  This isn't just a quiet camping weekend...we zipline, wall climb, canoe, boat, etc....Everytime they ask I just say "I don't know if we are going to go this year".  

So, I haven't completely made up my mind yet....I am weighing all my options.....Thanks again everyone...I appreciate all the opinions!!!!

Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009

SPOT ON TU! Perfectly said. I hope Just listens :-)

 

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Edit to add a quick, but overlook important thing I forgot to mention. And that while 4 1/2 months out is not quite a newbie, it is still just a drop in the pan. I've seen too many get pulled back who were even further out.

I like the idea others came up with regarding making other plans that the kids will enjoy...I guess you're going to have to come up with some good...really good. Disney World? lol

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010

I'm going along with the crowd.

There is nothing to be gained by going, and everything to lose.

This is one of those bite the bullet times.  Sure, it's hard to deny the kids something like this, but better that than having the worst case scenario happen. KWIM?

How many times have you read here of someone "testing" themselves with the worst possible results.

Last week it was that type of week for me, and I am a long way out. 

The best is what you owe your kids.  The best is a Mother that will be there for them, not tempting fate.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Hi JWIA
I also wouldnt go, not worth the risk of putting yourself through the emotional ringer. I totally get where you know the A is over, and feeling confident about that, but why put it to the test at all. The very least that can happen is that you hurt yourself all over again. What if he looks or behaves like he is interested, or looks and behaves like you dont exist. Each of these is a no win response and only has the potential to hurt you. Ouch no I defo wouldnt go. You've done really well so far, dont rock the boat. And the kids will enjoy what ever alternative you suggest.... probably better cos you'll be fully present :smileyhappy:

(((hugs)))
Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
I certainly would want the kids to have fun .... but No Way could I or would I attend. You're still attracted to him - I just can't see it being positive in any way.

Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Hi JWIA

agree wholeheartedly with WGO. You are not healed yet and it is highly likely that seeing him will cause immense turmoil. And whilst this may not set you back at square one due to the work you have out in it is likely to cause enough upset.

I'd like to ask you to really examine your motives on this. Yes the kids had a good time last year but why do you really want to go? Are you wanti g to see him? Test yourself? Show him you are fine?

You still need to protect yourself as you are not really that far out. It's not necessary to out yourself in this position - so don't.

Much love

Yellow x

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Hi Just,

If I was in your situation I would not go.

I decided to decline my works team building because I know his department was invited. I didn't even know if he was going, there was just no way I could spend any time in his presence - even though I am many months out of my A, and pretty much accepting of it all. I don't want him back and I don't cry or miss our "relationship". My colleagues kept asking why I wasn't going, but I made an excuse and didn't let them push me to join - I am the only person who can protect me from more hurts, and all I want for myself is to feel safe forever.

I have resigned from my job because I can't heal 100% if I am still in a situation were I am in the same building as him.

Do something else fun with your kids that day - say you have already planned a surprise for them that weekend. Don't put them or you in a situation when your not mentally there for them. Your not going to be having fun having to avoid him all day long. I know this - that's exactly what its like for me at work everyday.

Good luck with your decision

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Hey JWIA

Nice to see you, and congratulations on your 4 1/2 month NC!

Now, normally I would say listen to your body and mind.  I mean, you are freaking out and stressing.  If you were truly at indifference, and you are not as you said there is still an attraction, it would be no big deal.  I would not say that to someone newly out...because they may think they are cool and indifferent about it all...turns out they sooo are not.

I always hate to see kids disappointed, though.  Can your husband take them without you? If not, do you think you are strong enough to deal with some emotional meltdown.  It might not be all that bad..you have a lot of enlightenment under your best...not like you are at square one in not knowing how to deal and get through it.  Can you get through it..maybe expect to experience a couple of days of upset...without completely falling down...just a little trip up, but able to get back on your feet again rather quickly?

Also, you have a month to prepare for it...to really fortify yourself.

What do you think?

Clarity