I have a question

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
I have a question
15
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 7:52pm
This is my question: How is it that in a 17 year marriage, She (Wife) would have no idea that her husband had cheated on her five times and with me being the sixth time ending in pregnancy? Doesn't a woman know these things? Also I understand not to "tell him off," cause it will be a waste of time(read what you said free and posie) Yet I wonder if speaking to her in an informative way would benefit her. I know she is innocent as was I until I found out he was married,(I noticed that he said he was going away for christmas and I asked where to)that was when he told me he was married, he never wore a ring which ofcourse I now know is not a great indidcator to know if a man is married or not:-P(my mistake was to continue on with him) ANYhow so my questions are how could she not know being in a 17 year marriage? and if speaking to her of what he told me would be informative to her?


sincerely,

RO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to: pycnogi
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 8:15pm
Hi Pycnogi,

You know what, I believe your xMM's wife knew and knows about her husbands affairs and extra curricular activities. I think, a woman is not stupid enough to not know that. Now if your question is why she then stayed for 17 years with him? I would say, women are different. She might have reasons why she wants to stay even if she knew about it. Ive met a lot of women who after knowing their husbands affairs would still opt to stay. There are a lot of reasons why a wife would do that especially if they have kids.

One thing ive learned from my A is how to mind your own business. By that, im saying, think for yourself, live for yourself, heal yourself, and make your life happy whatever had happened in your life. You've made a mistake and accept that. By telling your xMM's wife about you is not a good move. You're only making another mistake in that way. Even if your purpose is just to warn her, it still shouldnt come from you.

Move on girl. I know it's hard and it hurts but look at the bright side. Im sure things will be better if you hope it to be.

Sweetie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
In reply to: pycnogi
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 10:47pm
In my opinion, IF you tell her, she'll just view you as starting trouble. I was not only an OW at one time, I was also the W of a cheater when I was married. I KNEW my H was a cheater...I just didin't know who or how...not did I care to know. I had a new baby, a career, a home, etc....I figured that if he wanted to play he would play and when I got sick of it I would divorce him....point blank. When I got pretty sick of him for so many reasons I started to snoop and found what I needed (an excuse) to dump him. 3 months after we separated, a woman came to my door holding an infant....saying it was my husband's baby. She has all these pics of her and my H together.....recordings of messages....recorded phone calls...etc. All I could do was pity her. I was over him. But, I took her arrival on my doorstep as a sign that she was still VERY much into him and desperate! I also saw that she was trying to hurt me. I asked her what she wanted and she said she just wanted me to know...to warn me. I had to laugh.....I was his wife....for much longer than she was his little mistress....and SHE was warning ME? Huh! I knew where the bodies were buried....she was still looking for them.

I then told his mistress about the other 2 women he had been seeing along with her. Now who was shocked?

Don't think she doesn't know....she knows....she knows more than you do, I bet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: pycnogi
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 11:07pm
HI Pycnoqi

She most likely new but decided not to know, denial tell it wa shoved in here face.

The fact that she has kicked him to the curb and has filed for divorce says she knows all she needs to know.


The best thing both you and his wife can do is soak him for every dime you can get and move on with your lives.


Your young and this is nothing but a bump in your road of life, for him it is a major ditch and he just got slammed into it.


When he starts paying out big $$$$$, the smile will come off his face.


Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: pycnogi
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 11:29pm
Hiya Ro,

I know you are angry, hurt, and feel that an enormous injustice has been done to you, hon. BUT Free's right, if you want to hurt this arsehole, whack him right in the wallet.

You are talking about someone who has no feelings for anyone but himself, for whom the normal rules of decency do not apply. His wallet however will feel the pain, and he can me forced to be decent at least financially to the child he fathered.

By hurting his wife, you accomplish nothing. By sticking him for every dime you can squeeze out of him, you make his life a misery. Now which end result is preferable?

Exactly. Get legal advice, and get it now.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
In reply to: pycnogi
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:31am
You are wrong in your assumption that a wife "just knows."
**Maggie**
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
In reply to: pycnogi
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 12:02pm
Thank you maggie for your reply, But he already told his wife about us without warning me of anything. Well the informative part I must say is due to the fact that I found out that not only am I pregnant with his child, but he also gave me an STD(non-fatal), but for life. I personally do not mind sharing this persoanl information as I post here for advice and encourgement and well how more personal then to tell of an affair:-P.Yep(I sure did get sc#$^ed over), I feel she should know this part of it. She already knows I am pregnant. She knows everything down to where I live, where I go to school, my parent's home, Heck I wouldn't be surprised if she knew my bank account! So obvioulsy this man is no good and the guy acknowledged he has "something," but dismisses it as "no big deal."


Sincerely,

RO

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: pycnogi
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:25pm
HI Pycno

I did not know you got an STD from this jerk, I have to change my vote at least in part, YOU SHOULD IN A BRIEF MESSAGE LET HER KNOW THAT HE IS CONTAGOUS, just in case she considers attempting to rebuild with him.

This would be for the sole purpose of protecting HER from anymore harm.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
In reply to: pycnogi
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 6:24pm
Yeah, I feel that is the reason I want her to know the truth in that area. Honestly I don't want to be with him. She knows about the affair. Therefore I feel it to be selfish not to let her know. Other than that I feel bad for her because he is a jerk and I do hope she moves on and does not have to deal with his garbage. After all she has a good career and her daughters are in high school and I feel she is still young and can find a good man out there like I will:-)Even if she gets angry and does not believe me, at least I got to tell her the truth about it.

Sincerely,

RO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
In reply to: pycnogi
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:11pm
No.

Stay away!

No contact is no contact.

It really isn't your business anymore, is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: pycnogi
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:50pm
I agree. Pycnogy, what makes you think that she doesn't have the STD herself? What makes you so sure they aren't sleeping together now? Since she knows that he cheated on her, then she is aware of the fact that he has potentially exposed her to STD's already. She's a grown woman.

Stay away and don't fan any flames. Just make sure you take care of yourself and your child. In my opinion you will continue scratching at a wound with no satisfaction if you contact her.

~Love

Love

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