I HAVE RAGING ANGER

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2010
I HAVE RAGING ANGER
11
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 8:49am
Today will be day 2.5 of NC. Most of U all read my previous D-day disaster & yesterdays update. This sucks because everyday so far there are reminders EVERYWHERE & they're things I can't do anything about. Last night, I broke down in my car driving 2 the gym w/ what I thought would be a healthy distraction for me to work out. I've never taken medication but I have always had high anxiety & never had a panic attack but last nights symptoms sure made me wish I had/do. By the time I got there, my eyes were so bloodshot, I didnt go in but sat there staring blank. Seriously, all over this friggin A & worthless piece of &*$^ AP. I feel I don't even know WHO I AM ANYMORE. This a.m. I woke up & he's still on my mind. I can't block his # because it is an extra mthly charge w/ our cell carrier & H pays the bill & would see

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:28am

Good Morning Confused,


I wish I could just take you for a cup of coffee or a long walk....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:34am
Its funny you say Let go and Let God. I am Christian but basically don't go to church much. My H is Jewish and we clash there. Loooong story. But anyways, I went last weekend with just my boys because H refused to go and he just wanted to sleep in. I felt liberated. Last night, I started to pray for strength to get thru this. Then I felt horrible. Like how can I pray to G to help when I have done such a thing and then the whole aspect of adultery came into my mind and I froze, I stopped praying and said to myself WTH am I doing asking God to move me on from these feelings of sadness and anger when he wouldnt approve
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:53am

Confused!!!!


God Loves YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 10:51am

I am so sorry you have this raging anger inside of you; I know it sucks and you’ve been through a lot the past couple/few days it seems so you definitely need to give yourself some credit and give it more time, the anger will subside, with each passing day it will subside and you will start to feel better.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 11:15am

I think if you are looking to make a list of reasons you hated about your situation how about the following:


He hid you out in hotel rooms (or wherever you had s*x) and no one knew how much he "loved" you but you and him.


He talked you into lying to his W to save his own skin


You lied to another woman when you had the opportunity to be honest. Not that you owe her anything but the W isn't stupid for taking ppl at their word.


You gave him your precious all because the s*x was good expecting little in return.


There are more reasons but you are too new to ending. As time passes you will see your A like we all did - as the most ridiculous and desperate thing you have ever done.


I also had a hard time going to God in prayer after I ended my A because of the guilt but I soon realized that prayer helped me tremendously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 11:29am

CIK,

Whew Chile...you just brought me back in time. I have to really stop myself from crying as I write you this post. I am just over 8 months NC. Been really hard but the board got me thru.

Your post touches me cuz it looks just like something I wrote not soooo long ago. I mean you just put it all out there and I have been in that dark place. Good you came here. This is when we are most vulnerable and almost do something we regret. Like break NC. The pure pain cuts thru us like a knife thru warm butter. I am not easily angered but boy, my blood used to boil.

I was a slave to that phone. I kept thinking I would hear something, anything, wanted it so badly. I need that validation, that I at least mattered. Something. I yearned for it and I would be so envious that other MM fished and mine had not. He was done with me and it hurt. I had a Dday. She called and I told her everything. I do not know if it was good or a bad thing. She was unfazed..,many women had called her in the past. He was a serial cheater. Sounds like W in your situation is hoping her H has not done the same. For whatever reason you were dishonest, that is what you have to live with. I know its tough but not its just OVER. Now its time to pray or whatever it is your do and move on to healing. You can not change the past. You can look forward and be better now. I was upset because even tho I told, he got off scott free. They do not get off. We think they do, but Karma is strong. One way or another, they get theirs. If not in this life, then the afterlife...but usually before then. I felt cheated cuz he threw me under the bus...so even if you had told her everything. He may have blamed you for everything. CUT IT ALL OFF and keep it off. No more convos with either of them.

Can you change your number if you can not block? Do you have ATT? Right now the kitchen is hot, so its likely you will not hear from him. But once things cool off, they usually come around, you need to protect yourself from that. Seriously. I do not know when cooling off will be and I am not trying to get you all excited about a text or call that may never come and I hope it does not, I am trying to get you to protect yourself so that you can move on and heal from this A.

Its normal to be angry. It helped me stay NC. I hope it subsides soon. Stay here and post and keep praying...whatever works for you. It will get better, me and other gals on here are living proof.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 3:32pm

The fact you are mad is a good sign.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 4:15pm
You are right, this affair does not define who you are. But for a while it was you. And I suspect all this anger is anger directed at yourself as well towards your xAP. I understand. It made me mad that I was that angry. Crazy huh? Realize the anger is there partly because you did this and you can't believe you did it. And for what?
Honestly, I can tell you that time will be on your side. I know that doesn't help you today, but in time this anger fades. But in the meanwhile, try to use the anger to look at you. Tell yourself the anger is a tool to use to understand yourself better and understand why you allowed yourself to have the affair in the first place. In other words, instead of fuming over what he did or said or how he is acting, don't let your thoughts go to him. Make it be about you. Every time I got mad, I realized I was just spinning my wheels, wasting my precious time on thoughts of him. See if you can turn your thoughts to you, your life and how you can make it better. If I got mad, then at least I used that anger to look inside myself. It's not easy and it took quite some time before I got to that point, but get there, I did! I learned how to let go of crap that didn't matter. That was huge for me. I was a ticking time bomb because I was so mad at xAP for numerous things, but none of it mattered after the affair was over with. It was garbage and I soon realized I deserved and needed peace, calm and a sane life !
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 4:22pm

I have been there!! the raging anger... i could not help but laugh a tiny bit (sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 4:45pm

Devious D,
You do NOT belong on EAS; EAS is an Enders board and the posters here have ended their affairs. Please refrain from posting here again until you can say you are out of your affair(s), and I hope you will do the decent thing and delete your post.

Dee

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