I have serious issues.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I have serious issues.
8
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 3:52am
Hi everyone. I'm a first time poster, long time lurker. I'm posting because I just completed my second therapy session since moving cities and found myself unable to tell the truth about my affair.

I really want to get clear and honest. I'm 37. Been married for 11 years. We have a 6 year old son. I have been told that I'm very codependent. I would agree. My husband has been cold and distant from the very beginning and some how that only made me work harder.

I never even looked at another man until after our son was born. My husband had certainly been mean and cold but I never even considered leaving. But after our son was born out dog attacked our child. I was there and beat him off Our son was fine. But my husband came home from work and threatened to "go to permanent sleep with the dogs because he couldn't live without them". Needless to say that was the first time in our relationship that common sense kicked in and I told him we were through. Picking dogs over his family was insanity. He slowly came out of all the drama, I quietly handled giving the dogs away to a family without children and he started to recover. But while I forgave him something in me changed. I started to resent him. Big time.

A couple years later he continued doing his typical isolation and I met another guy at work. First it was an emotional affair and then it advanced to physical. I had hoped that by doing that (despite being catholic) it would help me out of a bad marriage. Well I never quite pulled the trigger. Then there was a death in my family and I woke up QUICK. I ended the affair and dove back into my codependent marriage. It seemed to be the right thing to do, but I still felt like I wanted to escape. Sex was awful. He literally just wanted me to give him a hand job and that was it. He never even thought about my needs. At that point I just wanted it to end. We started marriage counseling because I threatened to leave and he threatened suicide. He turned into mr perfect for a little while and then fell back into same behavior.

Long story short: ever since I have been on and off trying to find an escape route. I met someone (couple over the past year) on Facebook. I told them I was separated. I went out on dates. Never touched them because I didn't want to have a physical affair again but I had hoped I'd fall desperately in love and finally leave my husband. It never happened. And I am feeling terribly guilty. For God's sake I'm a catholic woman and I'm a mother. I'm leading this secret life and it's shameful. But somehow I can't see it quite that way.

Right now I've been texting another guy I used to know with the same hope: I will finally leave my husband and break this viscous cycle. But who am I kidding?

What is wrong with me? What would you advise me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 9:37am

Hi

I would advise keeping up with those therapy sessions.  Hopefully, this therapist will have you seeing that you really have to address your marital issues head on...rather than escape them.  Issues never go away when we avoid them and chances are good they are compounded due to our neglect and by bringing in outsiders.  

If the results of MC didn't stick, then suggest to your husband starting it up again.  If he balks at it, just keep up with your I.C. to get yourself clear and strong to be able to make a clear and strong decision about what you need to do.

Good luck

Clarity

edited to add...I hope you stick around and read all you can to strength your resolve to stay clear, and far, away from further compounding your troublesome issues.

And I have to say I was surprised to hear that you've been a long-time lurker and still came a board with that name...knowing we were going to jump all over you about...it's gotta go...just let us know when you change it so we know it's you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 9:39am

Cheaterashamed,

First, please change your name, that is so negative, it can't possibly make you feel better or empowered.

You have mentioned several reasons your marriage isn't working, but the big one I see is that you are seeking other men. That's huge right there. You are not happy in your marriage and apparently not willing to make changes in it, so that is reason to rethink it all and decide whether you want to stick to your marriage or get out.

I was in an unhappy marriage for many years, and the last straw for me was falling in love with another man. At that point I knew I had to get out of the marriage because I felt I couldn't live with one man and love another. Now I wish it hadn't happened like that, I still think it was right to leave the marriage, but I wish I hadn't been in the 'fog' of an affair when I did. What's past is over though, I have to move on.

I hope you will really do some thinking and get involved in your therapy and tell them everything!! If you don't feel comfortable with this therapist, find another til you can get all of it out and take care of you.

(((((((good luck)))))))))

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 12:44pm
The name's gotta go. It actually doesn't set you apart. We're all former cheaters. Most of us have experienced lots of shame. Next post: new name.

You keep looking for answers outside yourself. No one here can tell you what to do about anything. Telling or not telling is such an individual decision. And looking for an affair partner to sweep you off your feet is unrealistic. Read the stories about people who ended their marriages and then waited and waited and waited for their now xaps to do the same. They all now find themselves out of their marriages and not with their former affair partners. But if you ask them they'll tell you their marriages had to end anyway.

So, keep going to therapy. Work on yourself. Don't drag anyone else into your scenario. Your life doesn't have to be a drama. You're a grown up. You can make these decisions with reference to nothing but yourself.

Looking forward to your next post and your new, positive name.