I haven't eaten in days :(
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| Mon, 03-15-2010 - 2:03pm |
There are so many things rolling through my head right now! I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster.... I havent eaten in days (when I do I am sick) I cant rest I cant get XAP out of my head!!! It feels like he is going to be here forever!!!! One minute I'm telling myself that I can do this... the next Im fighting back tears and figuring out what I can tell H should the tears fall!!!
Part of me wants to tell H the truth.... lay it all on the table and see where it goes, on the other idk what will happen if he knows what has been going on under his nose for 2 years! My H & I finally had IC last night for the first time in months and all I could think about was XAP.... What is the matter with me? I see the posts here and I see what the future holds I praying for my light at the end of the tunnel but I'm so afraid that I'm never going to be happy again!! I just keep playing Lady Gaga's "Alejandro" over and over and asking God to make this go away...... I guess because I dont have little babies and I am alone usually 16 -18 hours a day I have way to much time on my hands but I'm at a loss for what to fill this void I have in my life now!

I know just how you feel about wanting to tell your husband the truth but not sure it is the right thing to do.
Please be patient with yourself, you're just a few days in. I was totally numb the very first week - not even a tear, nothing. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks on a second week, and I cried and cried through my 3d week - couldn't sleep and couldn't eat either. It is a terrible pain, and every single person on this board will confirm it. But if others have made it through, you will make it too.
Just deal with it however you can. I was listening to "Alejandro" over and over too, by the way...and "Bad romance" as well:) I've been crying too much, drinking too much, working out too much...today actually is the first day in weeks that I feel more or less like myself again, but I know all too well that it's very far from being over yet.
Be strong. Remember, you're not alone, we're all here with you!
XOXO
Gone
I am one of those who told my H everything about my over year long A. Yes, it was one of the most difficult and gut wrenching things I have ever done in my life. He did have some thoughts about what may have been happening (he was aware that I spent alot of time with this guy but of course I kept telling him that we were 'just friends') but I guess he didn't want to believe it.
Anyway, I won't go into a heap of detail here but something I will tell you is that by telling the truth and being open and honest I now know I won't have to stress for the rest of my life that he may find out through someone else or whatever. Yes it is a big risk...all guys handle things differently and there is always the chance that it's a complete 'deal breaker'. But that was a risk I was willing to take for the sake of not having to hide something so big, forever. And I was able to grieve, be myself, and all those other things that go with the ending of an A without having to hide and lie even more.
I have read a bit about 'coming clean' with your partner regarding an A, and I have to admit I do agree with what is said. Yes, I felt I owed my H the truth. I would hate to be the person who didn't know about something like this if I was in his shoes. What right did I have to make those decisions for him? And yes...being completely open and honest creates intimacy. My H and I have been married nearly 17 years and have always shared just about everything. He's a wonderful communicator and does his best to listen and validate my points of view. Yes, I'm very lucky. By us sharing this, it has created a sense of unity now...it's taken so much work, so much talking, so much honesty, so so much pain. But the point is, I can be me during this whole process. 'Warts and all'.
Our journey is still continuing, but I am in a better place than what I've been for so long. I have not posted here much, as I have been having intermittent contact with xAP (definitely not to restart the A) and I've been trying to sort out where I'm at. Yes, my H knows, and our relationship is going so well because we talk, talk and talk. But I am so much more at peace with myself, and I am just taking my time each day...not beating myself up, not expecting too much, and the really interesting thing is that I am beginning to see xAP with some 'indifference' and am now seeing my wonderful H as the person who loves me more than anything else in the world...and me him.
Honesty can make a difference to how we live in the future. It may turn the present into what feels like hell...but if you are able to hang in there it could make the future so incredibly better than what it ever could be.
Be Strong xx