I heard the news today, oh boy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
I heard the news today, oh boy
14
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:53pm
I've been bracing myself for this for awhile. I knew it wouldn't be long before I'd get word of my XMM getting a new job 800 miles away (to join his wife who has been there for almost a year). I was fearing the worst -- that it would hurt terribly to hear it from someone else instead of from him, especially since he made me promise him when we broke up almost 7 months ago that we would always keep each other apprised of any major changes in each other's lives. So, I heard thru the grapevine today, and I feel... NOTHING. I'm still curious as to whether he will ever feel the need to tell me about this at some point, but beyond that -- no real emotion.

I share this because a couple of months ago I was still obsessing about this so much, I thought I'd NEVER be able to handle it. And now it's happened, and I am fine, and I can clearly see how far I've come! There is hope, for all of you who are experiencing fresh pain!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 1:30pm
I remember reading somewhere that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Wow--you have made it. You have a lot to be proud of! When the day comes that I don't feel anything for my xMM, it will truly be something to celebrate. I thank you for sharing your feelings. It does help me to hear that hope does exist to get over this and move on. I can't wait for it happen to me. I'm so tired of this whole thing weighing on me. I don't blame my xMM at all in any of this. I'm an adult, and he didn't hold a gun to my head--I have forgiven myself for my weakness of him. That had to be my first step--self forgiveness--or else I knew this break off wouldn't work. I have no need to forgive him--I feel this process is about me and not him. I've had my focus on him for too long now, and it's time to turn that around and pay attention to my own needs. Though the day is a beautiful one with the sun shining and the birds singing, I cannot truly enjoy it, but I have hope that one day I will feel its' warmth on my face again, and sigh in my newfound freedom from this prison of shame I have chosen to live in. A bit melodramatic I know, but it's how I feel today--thanks for letting me be me, ~ifm
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:13pm
Congratulations for getting to that point! I bet it feels like such a relief for you to have that indifference about things. I do wonder though, are you ready to hear from him if he does contact you about this? Do you think it might set you back again to hear his voice or see an email from him? I hope not, from what I've been reading it looks like you are handling this beautifully and it's taken a long time to get to this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:25pm
Good question, I really don't know the answer to that. The last time I heard from him was 2 months ago; he sent me a joke email out of the blue, and it really threw me for a loop. A stupid joke email had me in tears. I think I'm beyond that, but I don't quite know how I'd feel if I did hear from him right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:00pm
Ugh... bumping this back up because I am not feeling as strong as I was last week, and I need some words of wisdom! Or at least a hug. I don't know why; I suddenly started obsessing about the xMM's move this week, got too snoopy for my own good, and got hurt when I realized he told everyone and their brother about his new job and new address except for me. I can't help it, it hurts my feelings. :-(

I feel so bad about even posting this because I feel like I've been bragging about how far I've come, and here I am at 7 months, still allowing myself to feel pain over this. If I were advising myself, I'd say "Get a life! Concentrate on yourself, not what is going on with him!" I feel like a pathetic loser for not being able to let go after all this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:08pm
Don't be hard on yourself. I think your feelings are normal. As women we tend to be more emotionally involved it seems like. I hate these feelings. I swear I will not email him , but yet I can't help from checking my email constantly to see if he has wrote. It makes me feel like a fool. I have to get a hobby and stop letting the thought of him control me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:33pm
****I feel like a pathetic loser for not being able to let go after all this time.****

Don't be so hard on yourself. We ALL have these "weak" moments. You MUST tap into your resolve and fight them. Stand up....and shake it loose. Go for a long walk....head aover to a bookstore and buy the first book that appeals to your interest. Go to a park and dive into it. Whatever it takes to get your mind off of this guy. Do you think for one minute he is obsessing over you? He didn't even tell you he was moving. He wanted a clean break and slate....now you need to follow suite. You can do it.

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:47pm
You are anything BUT a pathetic loser. You have been doing so well, and so you feel a little bit down about this. So? You are a human being with emotions and you wouldn't be human if you didn't FEEL. Him not telling you was very hurtful, although maybe he didn't even intend it to be hurtful. Either way, it doesn't matter. This too shall pass and in no time at all you'll be feeling strong again. Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 3:12pm
Thanks guys, I needed that. :) Really, I feel better already (a little). I haven't allowed myself to cry over this guy for 2 months, so I guess I'm disappointed in myself for breaking down today. I even had thoughts of breaking NC just to send him a little "Congrats on the new job" note, just to let him know that I knew, maybe make him feel a little bad... But don't worry, I'm not going to go there, I just THOUGHT it. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 3:42pm

Hi, Katie! I'm gonna put in my .02. First, you are not a pathetic loser. Second, it's absolutely normal to have a little relapse in the recovery period. You've been holding yourself on check for two months. It's time to let yourself grieve, cry, and let go.


I've got a sidenote for you abou the new address. GB lived in a town about 10 minutes away from where Sean and I lived before we moved to Vegas. A few months before we moved GB, and his wife bought a house in the same town we were in. He told Sean. He told everyone else. Did he tell me? No. Was I curious? Yes. Did it hurt that he didn't tell me? Even though our affair had been over for more than a year, it still hurt, but I went on.


When we moved over here, Sean still had loose ends to tie up with the business he was closing there. Sean stayed with GB and his family! He called me from the man's house! I did ask for the phone number so that I could contact Sean if I needed to. Sean gave it to me. I still do not have his address, nor do I really want it. I do know within a couple of blocks where they live, but I'm not gonna go looking for him.


Oh, Sean and GB were friends before and during our lengthy affair. They have maintained their friendship. It's not as frequent as GB would like it be that they get together and that is fine with both Sean and me! GB is coming over to Las Vegas sometime in July (supposedly). No, he WILL NOT be staying with us!


Anyway, the point is, you are being quite normal! Do not beat yourself up over this. In fact, take your own advice!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 8:31pm
Chris, thank you so much for your reply. Just knowing that you -- YOU who seem so very strong -- had the same kinds of feelings I do in a similar situation, after over a year -- it made me feel better. Thank you.

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