I heard the news today, oh boy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
I heard the news today, oh boy
14
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:53pm
I've been bracing myself for this for awhile. I knew it wouldn't be long before I'd get word of my XMM getting a new job 800 miles away (to join his wife who has been there for almost a year). I was fearing the worst -- that it would hurt terribly to hear it from someone else instead of from him, especially since he made me promise him when we broke up almost 7 months ago that we would always keep each other apprised of any major changes in each other's lives. So, I heard thru the grapevine today, and I feel... NOTHING. I'm still curious as to whether he will ever feel the need to tell me about this at some point, but beyond that -- no real emotion.

I share this because a couple of months ago I was still obsessing about this so much, I thought I'd NEVER be able to handle it. And now it's happened, and I am fine, and I can clearly see how far I've come! There is hope, for all of you who are experiencing fresh pain!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:24pm
HI Katie

This thing that you are/were going through tends to happen in cycles, if you refuse to give into to the pain and temptaions the cycles will become less frequent and less intense tell they cease totally, every time you say NO it is a step toward the end of this.

And like all the others said your not pathetic or a loser you are in fact NORMAL and doing very well.

Be well

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 7:55am
Katie,

I haven't read or posted over here in a long time. I hope you don't mind that I'm bumping this up. I've been thinking about responding for a few days and wanted to share something.

I was given the following advise on another board and I found it to be very helpful. For me it was almost like it was permission to obsess, which I did a lot of. Once I read that it was ok to obsess just do it quickly and move on, I have found that the obsessions became few and far between.

<<>>

My XMM will also plan on moving without telling me. The difference for me will be when he decides that it is time to move, I will drive into our neighborhood and see a for sale sign in his yard. I use to worry about it a lot. For a long time I felt that if he did decide to move it would be because of the mistake we made having an A and be my fault.

We ended last Oct after a brief physical affair, but we didn't have sex. We've know each other 7 years and were very close friends. We work together and are neighbors. He told me a long time ago when we were only friends that he would live here 5-7 years then move and semi-retire. Well it's been 7 years so I anticipate he will be moving soon. I told him that even if we never talk again, if he does ever decide to move to tell me about if before the sign goes up. I know he won't and it doesn't bother me anymore. Now I expect it. I'm sure when it happens it will feel like a kick in the stomach, but I've felt that before from him and I will move past this when it happens.

I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and maybe having "permission" to obsess will be as helpful to you as it was for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 10:50am
Thanks, your post is actually quite timely, as yesterday I found myself in an awkward position of having to try to explain to a mutual friend who knew that xMM and I were once very close friends what could have happened between us to make him angry enough at me to not include me on the mass email announcement he sent out about his move. She asked me a specific question about the email, and I had no choice but to admit that I did not know what she was talking about. It put me in a very difficult position, and I was SO ANGRY at him for doing that to me. He had to know I'd be talking to mutual friends; couldn't he have at least included me in the mass mailing to avoid this kind of a situation? I don't think I've given him any reason to believe that I would respond with anything other than a short "Congratulations" and I'd disappear out of his life again. You guys know me, I am not at all trying to get a friendship back with this guy, but it really hurts to be treated as though I don't even exist. It feels as though all the old wounds that were finally healing have re-opened and I'm back at square one in the healing process... Well, not quite. Because now I know that I can give myself permission to obsess and be upset about this for only a little while longer. The hubbub will soon die, he'll move on, and so will I.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:33pm
I sit here crying as I am reading your email. I am so afraid not to feel the feelings for my MM anymore. I do not have these feelings with my husband and never have so it has been so exhilirating to feel them for my MM. I haven't initiated NC yet but am working my way up to it by reading the posts. I've tried several times before but failed inisde of two days. I really feel my MM loves me and he has never promised me anything - not that he will leave his wife or that we can ever be together outside of our A. This whole thing is tearing me up inside.

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