I hit *67 and told the Wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
I hit *67 and told the Wife.
57
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:15pm

After 2.5 years in an affair where we both are in love but he is married with 2 kids. The 1st child is from her previous relationship but he raised the kid as his own. He has ben telling me he just couldn't see putting him through a 2nd broken home and has always told me he can't abandon his kids. I have watched him become a miserable very unhappy bitter man because of our love for each other but him KNOWING what we were doing was wrong.

I myself have been through hell....moving away, breaking it off, begging for him not to call--then I go and call him. We have tried to break it off and we just couldn't. I feel we are both wonderful caring people but we have been very selfish because we didn't walk away when the feelings were there and we KNEW what would happen.

After being on the merry go round forever I knew the ONLY way to ebd things was if SHE found out. So I hit *67 and when she picked up I said "He's cheating on you" and hung up. I had convinced myself this was the only way out. Well when she confronted him he told her everything. Said he loved me but loved his kids and it was impossible. He said he answered every question honestly and even told her that if the kids weren't in the picture he would've left her a long time ago. He doesn't know it was ME that called and he hasn't asked either.

That was a week ago. He said they are talking and trying to figure out what to do. He told me he told he he loved me but couldn't imagine being a part time dad either. He was puking and crying all weekend. We agreed that we shouldn't see or talk to each other until it's done one way or another.

As evil as I feel for calling there is a bigger sense of relief. No more rollercoaster or NOT knowing for sure what will happen. I just wanted it to end one way or another.

BUT what do I do if they split and he comes to me? I never stopped to think about what a terrrible secret I will have to keep from him. How can I ever tell him what I've done? How will I look him in the eye?

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 9:51pm

You have no right to make a decision to tell the wife yourself. If your XMM really wanted to do it he would have done it himself. What did you prove other than you are half baked and need to adjust your Xanax dosage? You did your part to help break up a family, now sit by and watch the damage that you have done.

If my XOM decided to break up my family for me I would cut his testicles off and feed them to my dogs. Loving someone means trusting someone and it also means that you don't do anything to hurt them. I know as an adulteress I have no right to talk about trust, but honestly what you did really has caused alot of hurt...and guess what honey? You may not wind up with the man in the end even after this. They may wind up closer than ever, go to counseling and walk off into the sunset while you're busy trying to boil a rabbit or something like Glenn Close.

I feel sorry for you. Please get some counseling and stop blaming Xanax for acting like a selfish out of control woman. Get a grip on yourself and own up to what you have done.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:25am

Having an A is a selfish act but doing what you did was even lower. It was not your place to tell the W about the A. That should have been the MM's choice whether to or not. I can only hope they can move past this and work on their M. I mean what were you thinking? You obviously are not married yourself because if you were, you would probably would have thought twice about it and not did it, no matter how tempting it would be. If I were the MM and I found out, believe me I would not want anything to do with you. Any love I would have felt for you, would have been turned to hate. And I don't hate easily.

You're actions would have been my worst nightmare coming true with my own A. It is the main reason my OW never had my home number. It looks like it was the right decision. I really dispise you right now and your the first one her I can say that. You're the true defination of a homewreaker. You want sympathy, forget it!!
And don't you dare blame your drugs for your stupidity or ruthlessness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 12:27pm

Your current situation is a rather unenviable one.


Your MM can't seem to find the emotional strength to end his affair with you or his miserable marriage. Playing his victim role to the hilt, he instead claims he needs to stay "for the kids", which is just another excuse fence-sitters use rather than make a decision about their own lives.


And along comes you, LLL, playing rescue ranger for MM, calling the wife and letting her know she's being two-timed. I would bet that given how long your affair has lasted that wife already had some kind of inkling that not all was right in the house....so much for "surprise" element.


I am of the opinion that what you did was drastic....and desperate. Perhaps MM will now find the courage to end his marriage and come live a life with you. OR perhaps MM will use this opportunity for renewed honesty in his marriage to build a new marriage with his current wife. Only time will tell.


As for you, LLL, I suggest you consider maintaining as close to NC with MM as you can for the near future. You've already set something in motion and if MM is meant to be with you, I'm sure he'll find a way to do so. If not,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 2:01pm
You trustworthiness is an issue from here on for your MM if he ever comes back to you. When you enter a affair trusting the other person not to reveal you when it hurts the most is very important. You broke that trust and once trust is broken it can never be re build. It just doesn't come back to you after you even if the other person is done apologizing many times over. You must consider that before you decide to tell him, if he hasn't already figured it out. You have no face now, so as to speak, to seek a realtionship with him. If you don't tell him or you have covered your tracks enough that you can't be found out, you have you live with your conscience or your inner voice afterwards. Its not easy either way, so take your pick. You can never escape the consequences of your actions one way or another.


Edited 12/22/2004 2:02 pm ET ET by opal_fire
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 8:56pm

I read most of the replies, at least the ones previous to mine, and I just can't believe how high and mighty some people are sounding. Yes it was wrong, but "despicable" sounds a bit drastic. As for "breaking up someone's family"...well I think the blame on that fall mostly on the straying spouse. He's the one who made the committment to the woman he married, he's the one that agreed to care for her kid, he's the one who conceived the other child with his wife--He's the one that knew "how important" his family was to him, he's the one that *should* have thought out all the ramifications (understanding the possibility of breaking up his family with his actions) before he chose to stray. Don't get me wrong, what you did was not "right" but I don't think your "wrong" was any worse than his "wrong" of betraying his wife and family. Actually, I think he is more wrong for straying in the first place, if we really want to be so "moral" about this situation.

Yes, you knew what you were getting into, and again I don't think it was right of you to do that. But I just think some people are taking this issue a little too personally. Perhaps it's an attempt to stroke their own egos and feel more prideful that they didn't stoop so low. In my opinion low behavior is low behavior. Yeah some things are lower than others, but once you cross certain lines it really doesn't mattter.

I think this you could probably use a little support cause you don't seem to be...well I don't know. I just thought this was a supportive place. I don't think anyone on this board is in a position to throw stones.

Hope you've learned from this mistake and can *forgive* yourself (not worrying about whether or not MM forgives) and just move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 12:13am

I so agree with what you've written here. Most of us wouldn't be reading this board if we hadn't ourselves made mistakes with regards to A and our M, with varying degrees . I cannot believe how judgemental the replies have been. It's enough to make a person never want to post here again and I wasn't aware that any of us were above reproach.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 2:23pm
I don't think anyone here is trying to be hurtful, we're just being honest with our replies. Even though I am an adulteress I am entitled to having an opinion, and that opinion may not be what the poster wants to hear. My XOM and I have gone through alot of ugly times, we have hurt eachother. But he never stooped so low as to call my H to rat out on me. for that I will always be grateful. I couldn't imagine doing that to anyone else either.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 7:53am

<>

Look - i don't first of all agree with how you refer to 'the other women' as "we" - "we" had enough honor...etc - please! As far as im concerned in this relationship - WE're not the bad guys - the MM are. In my situation - i too am coming to the conclusion that calling his wife is my only way out. She already knows about the affair - im sick of this cryptic code language - but he made her all the promises he made me and she believed them and now because i've believed them for 2 and a half years - i can't let go by myself. Why should she believe all his crap??Why should i?? I can't remember the womans name who posted the first note but my reaction is WELL DONE YOU! She has done something i have spent many a night sobbing over how to do it and when. If i done it i would be doing it for both of us and by that i mean myself and his wife. A few months ago maybe i'd have done it in the naive hope he'd leave her and come running to me but that's a fantasy - the reality is - as long as he's getting away with screwing whoever behind the mrs's back he's going to keep doing it and he'll be damned if he cares who he's hurting. I've been spoon fed the 'i love you's' and ' my wife doesn't understand me' and ' im sleeping on the futon' and i know its all talk, and therefore im going to make a fresh start without him in my life and hope that she does the same.

Once again well done for having the guts and determination to do the right thing by yourself and the poor mans wife and i hope the B*****d gets what he deserves and thats nothing but a hefty divorce. I also hope you and his wife find someone to treat you well and in my own selfishness i hope i do too.

Steph xxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 8:01am

Who do you all think you are???????????????

She's come on here to get suport and all you seemingly birlliant minds are ganging up on her. So if WE are all the same why is it one is being cast out for doing what she thought was her only option aside from probably killing herself!!!

You all ought to take a long hard look at yourselves. As for those of you who are posting with reference to your own bits on the side - you're the ones who are dispicable so to speak.

LLL - pay no attention - you know where your real support is - this lot are clowns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:36am

<<>>

YOU are not a victim, Shoegal. MM did nothing TO you that you did not specifically permit, enable and encourage. There are two bad guys in every affair, the Wayward Spouse and his/her Affair Partner. It's easier to call yourself a victim that to enter the world of accepting the consequences for your very own choices, decisions and actions, Shoegal.

<<>>

So you're asking the woman on whom you defecated from a great height to control her husband because you refuse to control yourself? You can let go all by your widdle self, Shoegal, you simply CHOOSE not to do so, hence it's easier for you to hurt his wife than to do your own damn dirty work. Man, grow a pair of ovaries...

<<>>

You can't pretend to be looking out after his wife's best interests now that he's dumped you. The time to be questioning this stuff might have been sometime BEFORE you decided to go boffing the doorhandles off her husband, don't ya think? Besides, you say she already knows about the affair, why would she care what you had to say? If she were interested in your input, you would probably have heard from her some time ago...

<<>>

Well, you're naturally going to agree with whatever twisted logic there is to be found in asking a MM's wife to be your personal police dog. It's what you want to do yourself. It enables you to feel better about doing it. Shoegal, if you couldn't control him, what makes you think anyone else can? Maybe he loves her because she *doesn't* try to control him or manipulate him or emotionally blackmail him as you'd be doing were you to pursue this course of action you're considering.

<<>>

Piffle. You're hurting and want everyone else to hurt, too.

<<>>

The reality is:- He's chosen what side of the fence he wants to be on and quite frankly whatever goes on in his marriage is none of your business.

<<>>

You're a big girl, Shoegal, you knew the score and you actively chose to have a relationship with someone whom you were only too aware was not free to be having a relationship with you. You permitted it. You enabled it. You encouraged it. You believed what you wanted to believed despite his actions being contrary to the words he was spoon-feeding you and YOU gave him the spoon with which to be feeding you.

<<>>

It's flat-out plain none of your business what she does or does not do. If it tweaked your sense of justice so very much, perhaps you might have spoken up BEFORE having an affair with her husband. You don't have the luxury of being incensed on his wife's behalf retrospective of an affair when you failed miserably to consider his wife's wants & needs during said affair. The hypocrisy screams from your post.

One final thing, his wife didn't hurt you, Shoegal. YOU hurt yourself when you threw yourself on the affair sword.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie