I hit *67 and told the Wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
I hit *67 and told the Wife.
57
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:15pm

After 2.5 years in an affair where we both are in love but he is married with 2 kids. The 1st child is from her previous relationship but he raised the kid as his own. He has ben telling me he just couldn't see putting him through a 2nd broken home and has always told me he can't abandon his kids. I have watched him become a miserable very unhappy bitter man because of our love for each other but him KNOWING what we were doing was wrong.

I myself have been through hell....moving away, breaking it off, begging for him not to call--then I go and call him. We have tried to break it off and we just couldn't. I feel we are both wonderful caring people but we have been very selfish because we didn't walk away when the feelings were there and we KNEW what would happen.

After being on the merry go round forever I knew the ONLY way to ebd things was if SHE found out. So I hit *67 and when she picked up I said "He's cheating on you" and hung up. I had convinced myself this was the only way out. Well when she confronted him he told her everything. Said he loved me but loved his kids and it was impossible. He said he answered every question honestly and even told her that if the kids weren't in the picture he would've left her a long time ago. He doesn't know it was ME that called and he hasn't asked either.

That was a week ago. He said they are talking and trying to figure out what to do. He told me he told he he loved me but couldn't imagine being a part time dad either. He was puking and crying all weekend. We agreed that we shouldn't see or talk to each other until it's done one way or another.

As evil as I feel for calling there is a bigger sense of relief. No more rollercoaster or NOT knowing for sure what will happen. I just wanted it to end one way or another.

BUT what do I do if they split and he comes to me? I never stopped to think about what a terrrible secret I will have to keep from him. How can I ever tell him what I've done? How will I look him in the eye?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:46am

Support isn't just about cyber-huggies and there-there's, sometimes it actually promotes a different perspective regardless of how unpalatable that different perspective might be to the reader.

I've often drawn a comparison between types of support and types of friends.

When we ask for an honest opinion from friends, we have some who will tell us what they think we want to hear. "No, Posie, your arse doesn't look big in that outfit, you look fabulous in everything!"

And then we have some friends who value us enough to tell us the truth. "Actually, Posie, your arse looks like the side of a barn in that get-up, remove it at once!"

If you don't like the flavour of the support given, ask yourself why that's the case.

Which friends do you want to hear from, Shoegal?

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 10:30am
I just want to say that I too would like MM to leave his W, BUT NOT because of me but because he realizes he is un happy and finally realizes that there are ways with dealing with the finances and sharing the custody of his daughter that he loves more than life itself. If MM leaves for another W, most times it really does'nt work out, a rare ocation it works. I know the W is just as un happy as he is but it is there decision to make not mine. He needs to make that decision for himself and for him self.
Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 10:49am

'we had enough honor not to interfere with their families.'

You've GOT to be kidding right? Honor?! I don't think so! The only honor here is to 'Love & Honor' - Yes, their wedding vows, which you are making a total mockery of.

'not interfering with MMs family' HELLO!! You're screwing her husband, their father, & stealing away time, emotions & probably money that should belong to his family alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 11:07am

<<>>

So long as our noses are poked into their marriages, an MM cannot possibly be clear about whether or not he wishes to leave never mind the reasons behind that decision.

Think about it, the longer we leave our noses where they don't belong, the more comfortable we make the bed in which the MM chooses to lay!

If OW isn't making MM's "terrible marriage" all better for him, then MM has no option but to deal with just how terrible the marriage is so really an OW does nothing more than shoot herself in the foot by sticking around.

<<>>

If you've heard this direct from her mouth to your ears, then you can believe it. We hear what we want to hear, Kat. MM will tell us how awful a marriage they have but the bottom line is rather than addressing the problem in their marriage like an adult, they take the far easier route of getting their warm-fuzzies outside of the marriage. And most will fight like a mama-bear protecting her cubs if an OW tries to jeopardise that terrible, unbearable marriage. In short, they lie to us even easier than they lie to their wives.

It's nice to have a warm, loving relationship with someone he trusts with his life, his name & his children. And it's also rather nice that he doesn't have any real obligation to or responsibilities with OW with whom MM can simply be whoever he wants to be in his own mind and OW's mind rather than being Mr Responsible Family Man.

An affair is an escape. It's not meant to be permanent and OW are supposed to know their places as second or even third best and when they start getting too clingy, or the nagging for attention reaches the level he gets at home, well, where's the attraction in that?!

There's no loaded firearm held to his temple, no one is forcing him to be there. Most often MM will tell us how awful their marriage is in order that we feel sorry for them and so they can justify having an affair to themselves, too.

Really, how bad can the marriage really be if he's choosing to remain there? If it were all that bad, why didn't he leave it before you came on the scene or even afterwards?

We believe what we want & need to believe, Kat. In a million different ways, we tell them exactly what it is we want to hear and because it's play-time, it isn't real, they spoon-feed us with the spoons we've provided them with ourselves. When we believe the "lover's lies", the "pillow talk," we're headed for a big fall, and it's a fall we take because we choose to believe the words rather than looking at what their actions are telling us.

We need to look at our OWN actions, too. If my mouth is saying, "No, we're done, this affair is over, I won't be second-best anymore!" yet I'm still seeing him, taking his phone calls, emails, im's, etc., then what I'md doing is saying that I don't respect MYSELF enough to maintain the boundaries I've set so please feel free to continue walking all over me for as long as you wish.

<<>>

And you need to decide why you think it's ok to be waiting on the whim of someone else who isn't actually free to be with you.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 12:17pm
Dear Posie. I don understand your position on this, however MM never told me about his marriage he is a very private person. like I said I live in a very small beach town (outer Bankks od NC) every body knows every body eleses business and most people at least know of each other. my information comes from his brother who had no idea his brother and I were seeing each other. His cousin who also had no idea. My sisters EX who went to school with both of them. People at work who would comment how when they were at functions she always looked mad. There are always circumstances that make us stay. As I posted on another thread I stayed in a very abusive marriage for 15 yrs. because I thought it was the right thing to do. and I was scared of loosing the security In finances and for the sake of my child, I have since learned that was not the best thing for her. MM has never lied to me never made promises. I know what kind of man this is I know he feels stuck and I do know if it was not for his daughter he would not be there, that came from other people not him. his W when in school, if she liked a boy and he did not share her feelings she would lie and have male friends beat him up. This man is not one to chase woman regardless as to what others think, his own brother would joke on him for not being more assertive. There are always circumstances to every situation. I have read posts from women who have lied and cheated on the H what makes them different? I did not ever tell MM how bad I heard she was we never talked about her. I know about her nad I also have heard stories about him growing up in school and the kind of person he was , no not perfect and he does have chactar flaws. My point to all this is he was going to leave I did not want it to because of me. His own boss, who happens to be a good frien of mine told me that when we had the Hurrican Isabel come through and they had to do major road work 7 days a week so that people could get through that part of the island, they all stayed down there because the comute was 100 mi to go back and forth, she pithced such a fit he had to go home a do that commute back and forth. sometimes we do things just to avoid the argument, I know I did in my marriage it was just easier. So please don't judge me or what you might think are lies from MM, I'm not a stupid woman. I was cheated on when married and I was a good wife. I always said I would never do that to another woman, but there I was, he actually was'nt married when we met, yes he married her he wanted out and I know they got pregnate however she had long stopped taking the pill, and even when I did'nt want to be with my husband any more I did sleep with him on occasion, I don't know what makes us do that but I know it happens I have heard other women who are not happy in there relationships still sleep with H. He did what his family said was the right thing to do. I know you're just trying to help and I do appreciate that I do need support, I do still want him but I know he has to fight his demons with out me and then we will see what happens. But he has never lied to me or gave the old my wife does'nt understand me.
Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 12:48pm

My xMM's wife had an affair about a year ago. Someone (maybe her xOM) called and tipped him off about the A after she ended it.

My xMM called me up after a spell of NC and gradually worked that little bit of info into the conversation. He said he'd almost walked out on her right then, almost called me up. But he didn't, b/c he was afraid that if they reconciled, he'd have to cut me loose. So they stayed together and tried/are still trying to work on the marriage. I try to maintain NC and have been pretty strong in my resolve to keep my distance from him. But...

...I'm wondering how much damage was done by someone ratting her out. I wonder, if I had thought to do something like that to him, how would I feel if THAT call was the catalyst that caused the end of their marriage. I agreee with whoever posted that said she didn't want to be the reason the MM left his marriage. He's gotta leave b/c he wants to, not b/c his hand's been forced. It's bad enough for me to see myself as an adultress. I don't want to be the reason for the D.

How mad would he be if he found out I did something like that? Pretty mad, I bet. B/c ratting on him IS a betrayal. (Ha ha. Betraying the betrayers!) I like to think I really do care enough for my xMM to not want to destroy his life, even if it means I can't be in it.

And I think it was Posie that said, why stick around making it easier for the MM to stay in a bad marriage. (paraphrasing here) AFter another time of NC, my xMM rang me up, (just a few days ago, actually) and I told him I wasn't going to be around to make his life easy. (S$#t or get off the pot!)

Is it true, "if you love something, set it free...if it comes back to you, it is meant to be.." ?

**grace**

Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 1:27pm

Hiya Kat,

Everyone may well think they know everyone's business in a small community, but no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors when there's no one else around. Unless you have heard from his wife's own mouth to your ears that she is in an unhappy marriage, you have nothing more than speculation and judgements of other peoples' perceptions of their marriage.

Fact of the matter is, what I am happy with in my own marriage may not be to your taste and vice versa.

What we *do* know is that MM is happy enough to remain with his wife and he has reasons to do so. Whatever his reasons might be, whether they are because of his child(ren), his wife herself, or because it's a Friday or because the roses are budding or even because the final car payment is almost due, those reasons are absolutely none of our business.

<<>>

Sure there are, and we believe what we need to believe in order to make it ok to lie to, cheat on & betray others.

<<>>

A cheating spouse is a cheating spouse. I was one. I lied, I cheated & I betrayed. The circumstances under which I did these things make no difference whatsoever to the fact that I lied, I cheated and I betrayed those whom I said I loved most.

<<>>

Why not? What did his reasons actually matter if the ultimate goal was to be with him? If you are involved with him, you are at least ONE of the reasons his marriage isn't working!

<<>>

Sure, and sometimes we do things just because we want to. Or just because we can. Or just because we think we can get away with it.

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Your marriage is not his marriage and you are not MM.

<<>>

Who's judging? No one here (least of all me) has accused you of being stupid and certainly no more so than any of the rest of us! Kat, do you accept that MM lied to his wife? Do you accept that he cheated on his wife? Do you accept that he betrayed his wife & chid(ren)? Do you accept that he put his wants/needs over & above the wants and needs of his family? Which of these aren't true? Why is it so difficult to imagine that he would lie to you, too, if it meant he could get in your knickers or receive a good ole ego-stroking?

<<>>

If his wife were really such an ogre, would he have been doing the necessary act required in getting her pregnant? If he didn't want kids, he could have used a condom... You also seem to know an awful lot of intimate aspects of his marriage if he didn't talk about it with you. Speculation? Assumption? Or wishful thinking?

<<>>

As a fully grown adult man, he's done exactly what he's wanted to do for reasons known only to himself. If he's really just done what his family told him, then he needs to grow some hairy ones sometime this century.

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Why? What is it about this man that helps you to feel better about yourself?

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Why would you wait on his whim? Do you not deserve better treatment? Don't you want an open relationship where someone gives you love & respect and isn't afraid to hold your hand in public in case someone sees & tells his wife? If not, why not?

<<>>

He's never had to since you've made all his excuses for him. And believe you me, his wife understands him all too well - that's why he went looking to be someone else for awhile...

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 3:09pm
Well I think you did the right thing but the wrong way. Maybe you should call her and tell her the whole story calling and saying he is cheating and hanging up isnt to good but is a start.Im mean we aint perfect and u never know he will probably feel better that you helped him tell her.. BUt I think that you should at least speaak to her . I personally wouldnt just want hear he is cheating and dial tone I would like to hear everything from the start.. Hey be strong and good luck your not the only one going through this your just stronger then others to have the guts to speak about it,..Well good luck,,BYe...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:09pm

I did what you did and believe me, I understand your actions.

They won't split up...at least not any time soon.

Many years ago, I traveled this same rough road. However, not only did I speak to his W at great length, I also gave her written proof he could not deny. When he turned to me for comfort, it took a little time but eventually, I leveled with him about my actions.....Not surprising, he understood why I did it and forgave me.

His W told him she was filing for divorce and advised him not to seek joint custody because her attorney assured her that he will NEVER see his children again!

That was all it took for him to agree to joint counseling and to giving their marriage another try. 4 years later, he's more miserable than ever and probably has a new OW. When we last spoke (7 months ago) he told me he's not happy within his marriage, the sex is worst than ever....but he is content b/c he's living under the same roof as his children.

As for you, shoegal, for just a short time, stop thinking, worrying, analyzing....about what you did or did not do (or what he may or may not do) and just spend some time taking care of only you! The world may stop for a while, it's OK, in the end you will be OK if you take care of yourself and the heck with everyone and everything else!

Let HIM figure out his life.......you work on yours!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:19pm

How can YOU say *You have no right to make a decision to tell the wife yourself* ????

If there is an ethical book of *affair conduct* out there somewhere......please tell me about it!