I hit *67 and told the Wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
I hit *67 and told the Wife.
57
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:15pm

After 2.5 years in an affair where we both are in love but he is married with 2 kids. The 1st child is from her previous relationship but he raised the kid as his own. He has ben telling me he just couldn't see putting him through a 2nd broken home and has always told me he can't abandon his kids. I have watched him become a miserable very unhappy bitter man because of our love for each other but him KNOWING what we were doing was wrong.

I myself have been through hell....moving away, breaking it off, begging for him not to call--then I go and call him. We have tried to break it off and we just couldn't. I feel we are both wonderful caring people but we have been very selfish because we didn't walk away when the feelings were there and we KNEW what would happen.

After being on the merry go round forever I knew the ONLY way to ebd things was if SHE found out. So I hit *67 and when she picked up I said "He's cheating on you" and hung up. I had convinced myself this was the only way out. Well when she confronted him he told her everything. Said he loved me but loved his kids and it was impossible. He said he answered every question honestly and even told her that if the kids weren't in the picture he would've left her a long time ago. He doesn't know it was ME that called and he hasn't asked either.

That was a week ago. He said they are talking and trying to figure out what to do. He told me he told he he loved me but couldn't imagine being a part time dad either. He was puking and crying all weekend. We agreed that we shouldn't see or talk to each other until it's done one way or another.

As evil as I feel for calling there is a bigger sense of relief. No more rollercoaster or NOT knowing for sure what will happen. I just wanted it to end one way or another.

BUT what do I do if they split and he comes to me? I never stopped to think about what a terrrible secret I will have to keep from him. How can I ever tell him what I've done? How will I look him in the eye?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 6:20am

Hiya Burnie,

Shoegal states she resides in Scotland and if she is in England, Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland or the Channel Islands, the legal age of consent is 16yrs.

The highly emotive topics of abortion & paedophilia are ones Shoegal is simply employing in a wholly unsuccessful attempt to cloud & deflect the real issues here.

The real issue is (if memory serves) whether or not it's ever justified to use an MM's wife to end your affair for you by disclosing the affair to her. (Hint for all readers: It isn't.)

Emotional maturity aside, if you're old enough to get yourself into an affair, you're old enough to be doing your own dirty work rather than asking the injured party to bail you out when the going gets tough.

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 6:26am

<<>>


....words of wisdom we should all learn to live by......

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 6:34am
I'm reading all these responses about how "I'd never do that" and as the wife of the cheating husband I'm all for telling the wife! I deserve to know, in the end I want to be told because I'm suspicious already and just want to confirm that I'm not going nuts!
Just my opinion, I know there are plenty of wive's who'd rather be left in the dark about this, I'm not one of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 8:02am

Posie,

Once again I'm in total agreement with you here. She's using her age as a cop-out from responsibility from her own actions. I bet she thought she was a "big girl" while in the affair. Now she's hurting and needs something to blame.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:13am

I have thought about contacting the wife in my fit of anger the day I found out there was more than me. But,that was because I was hurt. It would have been out of total selfishness and no other reason. So glad I didn't do it.

JMHO...I feel a BS knows something just isn't fitting right. They can feel the distance. They can see the changes in their partners. They just can't pin-point it. But they know something just isn't right. I am more than positive HIS wife suspects something isn't right and probably has for years b/c he was betraying her long before I came along. I won't be the more to disclose this to her, for her. He can confess or she will find out on her own. I have been betrayed before in previous relationships. My gut told me something wasn't right. I didn't ignore it. I went with it and sure enough I wasn't crazy. I think you just know. I did. My DH is miles and miles away, and he could feel something wasn't right. He knew I was placing more and more distance between us. He asked and I denied...but the point is if there is a connection between you and your spouse, they know when something is out of place. She has probably chosen to ignore what she knows in her heart b/c the pain of facing the truth is just too painful.

So I would never tell her that her gut feeling is right. They are on their journey together and must work it out with each other.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:51am

Yes, I'd like to know too, if I were the wife of a man that was cheating..but it's not the OW's responsiblity, or place, to tell the wife. It should be your husband doing the talking, or if a good friend of yours found out, she should fill you in on what she knows. If it's the OW doing the disclosing, it's about bitterness and just a way of destroying his life because she can't have what she wants.

Believe me, I've been bitter too about things, but never would I think of destroying his life because **I** made a bad choice in seeing a married man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:25am

I'm sorry, but opinions like yours are the reason so many MM have and will continue to have affairs!

It's a shame that you and 99.9% of all OW are so spineless!

YUP! Don't give MM and his wife a chance to face the brutal truth head-on....let's continue to sugar coat affairs while waiting for their *good friend* to break it to the W because it will be gentler....RIGHT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:32am

Hey, don't go screaming at me, I'm just telling you what I wouldn't do. The OW has no right to wreck his marriage because she didn't get what she wanted. That's just too damn bad. Nothing good could come from the OW telling his W...because she certainly isn't getting her man now. If the OW does this she is simply behaving like a "woman scorned", and nothing more. She is not doing it for the good of his marriage, or his wifes "right" to know what's going on. She is doing simply and ONLY because she is hurt, and wants him to hurt too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 12:15pm

Caring4me-

I disagree with you. I am not spineless for not disclosing the A to her. Why subject her to such pain when you helped perpetuate the lie right along with her H? When you continued to sleep with HER husband until you had "enough" (regardless of what the enough was).

Here is my honest opinion as stated in a previous post:

JMHO...I feel a BS knows something just isn't fitting right. They can feel the distance. They can see the changes in their partners. They just can't pin-point it. But they know something just isn't right. I am more than positive HIS wife suspects something isn't right and probably has for years b/c he was betraying her long before I came along. I won't be the one to disclose this to her, for her. He can confess or she will find out on her own. I have been betrayed before in previous relationships. My gut told me something wasn't right. I didn't ignore it. I went with it and sure enough I wasn't crazy. I think you just know. I did. My DH is miles and miles away, and he could feel something wasn't right. He knew I was placing more and more distance between us. He asked and I denied...but the point is if there is a connection between you and your spouse, they know when something is out of place. She has probably chosen to ignore what she knows in her heart b/c the pain of facing the truth is just too painful. So I would never tell her that her gut feeling is right.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 5:58pm

I also have given much thought about telling his W about the A, but I've decided to wait until he dies.....that way he can't show up and shoot me.

JUST KIDDING! Thought we could all use a little lightening up here.




Edited 1/24/2005 6:00 pm ET ET by cowgirlsup