I hit *67 and told the Wife.
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| Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:15pm |
After 2.5 years in an affair where we both are in love but he is married with 2 kids. The 1st child is from her previous relationship but he raised the kid as his own. He has ben telling me he just couldn't see putting him through a 2nd broken home and has always told me he can't abandon his kids. I have watched him become a miserable very unhappy bitter man because of our love for each other but him KNOWING what we were doing was wrong.
I myself have been through hell....moving away, breaking it off, begging for him not to call--then I go and call him. We have tried to break it off and we just couldn't. I feel we are both wonderful caring people but we have been very selfish because we didn't walk away when the feelings were there and we KNEW what would happen.
After being on the merry go round forever I knew the ONLY way to ebd things was if SHE found out. So I hit *67 and when she picked up I said "He's cheating on you" and hung up. I had convinced myself this was the only way out. Well when she confronted him he told her everything. Said he loved me but loved his kids and it was impossible. He said he answered every question honestly and even told her that if the kids weren't in the picture he would've left her a long time ago. He doesn't know it was ME that called and he hasn't asked either.
That was a week ago. He said they are talking and trying to figure out what to do. He told me he told he he loved me but couldn't imagine being a part time dad either. He was puking and crying all weekend. We agreed that we shouldn't see or talk to each other until it's done one way or another.
As evil as I feel for calling there is a bigger sense of relief. No more rollercoaster or NOT knowing for sure what will happen. I just wanted it to end one way or another.
BUT what do I do if they split and he comes to me? I never stopped to think about what a terrrible secret I will have to keep from him. How can I ever tell him what I've done? How will I look him in the eye?

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A few yrs. ago my H found out about my A, so I confessed to him. My H demanded I give him XOM's telephone number so that he could call his W and tell her about the A. My H was hurt and angry and he wanted XOM to suffer just as he was.
I would not give my H the phone number, I didn't have it in my heart to cause that kind of pain to XOM's family. To this day I continue to feel good about that decision...no regrets at all.
Cowgirlsup-
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Were you relieved when he found out? Right now, I hope my DH never finds out. I am in T and we are just working on the "letting" go of the A right now...but in time we will work toward the ? of should I tell DH or not. I couldn't right now.
SS
No Sunshine it was not a relief that my H found out, I was utterly terrified. I was still in the lustful throws of the A at the time and was not ready in my heart to end the A. We did try to end it but the A resumed. That was about 4 yrs. ago, the A has just ended a few months ago.
I can't believe how stupid I was to risk the best thing that ever happened to me. Since ending the A, my appreciation and admiration for my H has grown so strong. I now realize that I have been not only cheating on my H, but also cheating myself out of much joy of a loving family and H.
Best wishes to you!
CG
You ask which part of the statement was inaccurate.
Posiepops,
I wasn't looking for inaccuracies. I merely disagree with your tactics. From my own personal experience with an affair, I came to this board to learn how others coped with ending their affairs.
I look for posts from people telling their own personal experiences and how they dealt or coped in ending the affair. Posts from a personal point of view helped me to gain insight to some of the feelings I was having and could relate too.
I disagree with post telling people what they should do, should not do, how they should feel or should not feel.
Lillsilly
Lillsilly,
I really agree with you here - I came on here to see what other people are going through and all it seems to be is a slagging match for people doing what they feel to be the best option at the time. The position many of us are in is not one to mount their moral high-horse and berate others. These women are all hurting i'm sure and are seeking support hence the name of the board - i know i'm certainly not looking to be told what to do and how to feel.
Best wishes,
Steph
Hiya Lillsilly,
Try looking at what's actually being said rather than deflecting the message itself by nit-picking about posting styles.
Early on in own my ending-an-affair process, I'd find posts which irked me and it was often those very posts to which I needed to pay the most attention since the subject matter obviously hit a nerve. Denying things out of hand or pointing out the posting style taught me nothing. Turning it inward and examining *why* it was bothering me brought a great deal of personal growth.
If personal stories are of benefit to you, anyone's story is easily accessed by doing a search on their user name since the search throws up all the posts made by that poster.
Message boards provide a wide variety of posting styles. This board serves a number of people at all stages of ending their affairs. From whatever you are unable to absorb, others may well benefit.
There is also a handy feature entitled "ignore posts" though I've never utilised it myself since I'm a firm believer in free speech and while I may disagree with what you have to say I will uphold your right to say it.
Also, during the course of my nearly 4yr affair, I spent quite enough time being narrow-minded and so utterly centred on self that I didn't want to hear what anyone else had to say or think especially if it differed from my own carefully constructed mindset. In the year I've spent in therapy, yes, this (and many other things besides) has changed a great deal.
The main reason I won't use the "ignore posts" feature is that I might miss the opportunity of learning something. I genuinely believe there's not a single person on the face of the planet from whom I cannot learn something.
Turn it inwards, Lillsilly, examine *why* my post perturbed you so much. I don't need to know why, but you do.
Strength & peace,
Posie
Hi Lill,
I think you'll find lots of different kinds of support here. Hugs from those who have been there and were just as confused as you, and kicks in the bum from those who have been there, made the same choices you did and then learned later that they were wrong.
I took those kicks in the bum hard. They made me turn around a kick back, making the exact same statement Shoegal did about mounting a moral high horse. I, in fact, wrote those exact words to a BS on the mas board maybe three months ago.
I don't think that by posting any of my responses to people I am trying to demean anyone, be intentionally cruel, or proclaim myself to be better than them. And as easy as it is to write those posts off that appear that way, sometimes its just a different style. I've had people tell me "Stop your pity party". I could have gotten upset about that, but instead I look at myself and how I'm behaving and I either come back with "You're right... I am in a flippin pity party" OR "What about my posts make you think I'm in a pity party?" Its a way of examining oneself.
I have never said this before, because I didn't want to fess up about how wrong I was, but at one point I used to get irritated to no end by Posie. I thought she was so full of it, and it was so hard to get through to her. I would carefully craft my answers to her questions and try to find a common bond and she would copy and paste me to shreds. I used to fast forward her posts, thinking she was "got off" on being better than other people.
It wasn't until I read more into what she said, and actually thought about her words rather than discrediting her because I didn't like her tone, that I realized, that's just her writing style and it bothered me so much because she was right!
She was right about why I was doing what I did, because she had been there.
Her posts are benevolent in nature, not malicious. It took me a while to realize that, and hopefully you guys will after a while. She really does have some important insight to offer into the situation of an OW.
I think we all do. Anyone who's been here has something to offer. Some people are just more receptive to different writing styles.
Lil, I hope you and shoegal won't ignore anyone's posts because of their tone. Tell them you disagree and tell them why. Maybe a little exchange with someone you disagree with is just what you need to actually see the other side.
Hugs to you all on your journey. I know its a long one!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
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