I hope...
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| Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:02pm |
I was always thinking that there was this other girl in FL (we're in TX) that xMM was IMing and talking to these past cpl of weeks. Today, we had to work together on a decorating project and so I was over on his side of the desk. I saw that he was IMing someone on AIM and not our work IM system we have. The screenname looked like something his wife would have (she's a nurse and it had that in the name). Soooooo... I am hoping that this is who he's been IMing all along. Really, I do. If it's her, I don't feel nearly as bad about things. It was just tearing me to pieces to think that he was dumping me to go off with someone else instead of going home to his wife.
I still miss him, but I haven't cried lately, and so right now it's not nearly as painful as it has been in the past :)

fallon,
girl !! , u got to stop thinking like this, i know its hard but u can do it, get pissed off and thats it, u got to accept that he does not want to be with u, whoever he is talking to or having sex with is not your concern anymore, u concern now is YOU
if do this all the time, u will feel bad all the time, like me i used to think of what OW is doing, she wears nice and sexy clothes at work and talk to other male co-workers, she flirts and likes the attention, heck she goes out and have drinks with them, i used to drive me nots , but what can i do, NOTHING, so i wish her well in my mind and i hope she will be happy, now i just dont feel anything anymore, well maybe a little but i dont get anxious or having sweaty palms or nauseated anymore when i see her do this things
its gonna get better, dont look at his screen anymore, i know its kind of hard since u work that close but i know u can do this
im sure u miss him, i still miss OW but that it, i just miss him, i have not shed a tear for about maybe 5 days now, its a whole feeling for me, i think im actually realizing that i need to let go of OW
its hard but i know u can do it, in the end its all up to u Fallon, soon u will hit your breaking point, u can only take too much crap/bad feeling that u will eventually "see the light" and it will guide u to freedom
max
fallon,
sorry i did not mean to imply that u look at his screen, my bad
i hope u can be friends, me i cant be friends with OW, i think she prefers not to be friends with me also, so she can move on, today i talked to on of her team members and this guys told me that she is looking for another job, so this confirms that what she told me before, i noticed that i did not feel nauseated when i heard this news, i used to feel so bad and i think of all kinds of things already, today it did not affect me at all
i dont know what to say to u but i wish u well, i hope u will be able to attain your goal of being friends, i know our situation is different since we work with them, i know someone who is neighboor with MM, that is difficult as well
fallon, no need to explain, we all understand, i do for sure, i have all the "i wish" but im tired of sitting and waiting and wishing, just me, i still miss OW a lot, still care, but do i still feel in love with her, i think im not in love with her anymore
i dont know the difference between caring and loving and being in love with OW anymore, i truly hope so u can be friends, its better than being not friends, i want to be friends also but i think its better for me not to, just my preference, i harbor a lot of hate towards OW right now, maybe in time i will change my mind but i doubt it
be strong, i know u can do it
max
sometimes im just nuts myself
I can really relate to this, Fallon. I've been posting a bit about my observations that XMM has moved even further away from his wife and home since we ended our A. If you didn't read my thread Anyone Else Wish, I've noticed that his car is hardly ever at home and his wife is there alone. It's like his marriage has deteriorated further since we ended our A, but I've got no misconceptions that he's not already involved in another serious relationship outside of his marriage.
And for some reason that really bothers me. I guess I wish he could have just worked on his marriage. I think this is all being triggered by the realization that maybe XMM wasn't such a nice guy afterall. Thanks, Fallon!
Well, I am really hoping for his sake and his family (wife and 2 small children, 4yr-old daughter and 2yr-old son) that they are working things out. They talk on the phone a lot more while he is at work, and the talks seem to be more friendly and less filled with animosity as they used to be when she called him at work. He will call her, too, like he did last night to help her with something on their computer at home.
I can't know for sure his reasons for being with me, but I usually got the feeling that he was very angry with her for not being what he thought she would be when they got married. I felt that he still loved her, but didn't know how to deal with finding out some things about her that he didn't know before they got married. He found out from her mother during one of their separations that she is bipolar, and her mother put her in an institution at one time. Her being bipolar isn't the main problem - her refusing to get help for it is. He also found out that she has had several lovers before they met (and during their marriage). She is only 23 or 24 and has had 25-30 partners, been involved in 3-ways, etc. This bothered him a lot. He said that if he had known these things before they got married, he would have broken up with her. She got pregnant about 6 months after they started dating, and they then got married. One of their separations was while she was still pregnant with their son. Their daughter is not his although he claims her. She is her daughter from a previous relationship.
I care for him and so I hope that they can work things out. I think that in some ways, he was with me to get back at her, even if he doesn't realize it. I hope that they can either work out the things that are wrong in their marriage, or get a divorce if they are unable to do so. I would hate for either she or him to resort to a string of affairs.
You can believe it or not, but I really do want him to go back and rebuild his marriage and family.
Of course, a part of me wants that because it will show that he isn't just this evil guy who took me for a ride. Not all guys who have an affair are just looking for a piece of a**, no matter what anyone wants to think. With working through this on this board and with my therapist, I don't think that's what happened with me and xMM. Also, the way he's been acting, and with me working through all of this a bit more and being able to start looking at it objectively and without it being just all about emotions, I don't think that's what happened. I think he was confused about what was/wasn't happening in his marriage, and I happened to come along at that time. He also came along at a point in my life where I needed him. So in that respect, I think we gave each other what we needed at that time.
I can tell that I'm moving through this a lot better. My therapist says that he can see it, too, even in just the progress I've made from last week to this week.