I hope this helps the strugglers today

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
I hope this helps the strugglers today
7
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:54am
Talk about full circle!!

Ladies, I'm not regular here anymore, but practically lived here a year ago. I was on here constantly for support. (and yes, it really helped!)

If you're out there today reading this, maybe it is here for a reason. I hope it helps you.

Cliff Notes version for those who don't know me/remember me: I had drifted in a co-worker relationship from co-worker to friend to best friend to obsessing all the time about wanting her. This was a SEVEN YEAR relationship. She played along too, as she was in an unfullfilling marriage (and has since divorced). When she separated, it really tried me. This was an emotional affair (but from my experience on this board, lack of sex doesn't really differentiate us all; it is the longing & obsession & feeling like some need can be met somewhere else) that lasted about 7 years. I was very invested in it.

My life was upside down.

A year ago, there was a social event that we planned to car pool to together. I knew this would be "it". We would cross the line that night. The upcoming event had me so dis-combobulated, that it was then that I realized that I was being really screwy. I recognized that my head wasn't on right; and yet, I'd have cut off my left arm to go.

I started posting here. Started the "no contact" process. Eventually got counseling. Since then, I've looked inward, and understand a lot more about myself, and what it was in me that felt more comfortable in the fantasyworld that is an affair. Not only did I conquer the emotional affair, but I'm working on other stuff now too.

My point in posting here?

Last week, that same "social event" (it's an annual one) came around again. XOW called and invited me to go!

YIPES!

I said no. Wife and I had a lovely date night that night.


My point is that I never would have thought a year ago that I'd be where I am today. Y'all be strong. Practice your "no contact" (it really is the only way!). It isn't easy, but you have it in yourself already to succeed. Find out more about YOU and why YOU are so conflicted. We have different stories but we're all very much the same. Don't find blame in others, saying they've "driven" you to the affair-state (whether it is you H or W in an unfullfilling marriage, or whether it is that totally unresistable OM or OW). It is your life. You are indeed in control.

Today, where ever it is that you are on the "ending affair" cycle, today... look to the next step. Think of the step that you're on now as being in control. Be firm in NC. Be honest in looking inward.

Good luck.

It can be done.

;o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:00am
Great post, RIverguy!

What an inspiration! I'm kind of new here, and hearing success stories like yours keeps me going. Congratulations on your progress! You should be the NC poster boy!

:)
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:16am
Riverguy,

I am new here and since you are a success story can you please tell me about this whole NC thing? The thing is it is with my husband and my mutual friend who we see all the time that im having the affair, well use to i mean, i dont want my H to know, how do i prceed in this NC when he calls to talk to my husband or when I see him out even though its not planned? Thank you for your wisdom.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:38am
Yours is tough... but I've seen it on this board dozens of times, so it isn't unique. You have others here who can support. (I likely won't be around much after this...)

The key is No Contact. As long as you are seeing him, talking to him, etc... you are going to be tempted to think about him in ways that are unhealthy. This affair thing is all about making the right choices, during that MOMENT of choice.

Take that "moment of choice" away, and what do you have? Almost a no brainer. When he's not on the phone, or present, you are free to think about you, your inner workings, your soul. Feed the soul. (Who is happier in old age than someone who's fed their soul a lot?)

In all the cases here that I've seen work, the people have taken OM aside, and told him their intention to break it off & go "no contact"... Most meet resistance. Okay... so he says he doesn't like this idea. So what?!!! You are in control of you. Don't give him that hold. Another poster compared us guys to hunters; she was right. He'll hunt as long as he thinks of you as "game". We guys are just wired that way.

The hard part will be in approaching hubby. Good luck on that one. Some people here have told their H's. I wouldn't.

How is it that you & OM find time to be alone? -Get rid of those opportunities by involving yourself in things that are good for YOU. Just as good an idea is to get rid of those opportunities by involving you AND H in things that are good for YOU BOTH. (Go buy that crazy thigh-high/garter get up and get wild w/ H!!!)

Good luck. It ain't easy. I wish I had a magic wand for you. This will be one of the most difficult things you'll face in life IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. If you take the easy way out, you may not be doing it right.

NC will definitely be hard for you. Keep reading around, go to the archives and read... and find what has worked for others.

Counseling isn't a bad idea either. Those guys see it all, and often have GREAT advice for situations like yours.

Good luck. You are already taking the right steps by being here. Listen to your inner self, and heed those flashing red lights. God gave that warning system for a reason. Now heed it! You're on step 2. (step 1 was recognizing the problem). Go on to step 3. Take it a moment at a time, a day at a time.

You can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:15am
riverguy2,

I found this interesting: "He'll hunt as long as he thinks of you as "game". We guys are just wired that way."

That shed some insight on my MM. I don't know how many times I told him I did not want to cheat on my H but he never stopped pushing me. I finally caved - or I guess I gave myself permission.

I realized quickly that I cannot do this - I tried it just to experience the passion. Of course it was wrong, but we all do things we know are wrong from time to time.

I ended it, but am trying to stay friends. I am realizing however, that NC is the best way to go. As more and more time goes on, the less I think of him.

Thanks for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 1:04pm
Thanks

Nice to see your name here, again, offering strong support!!!

Have a good day!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:52pm

Congrats, RG!! It's great to see you've come so far. You're a great reminder for those here who are still struggling. There is lightSunshine and happiness at the end of the tunnel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 11:20am
RIVERGUY!!!! You probably won't read this, as it's been some time since your last posting, but I was scrolling through the posts and looking for some old names from the 'veterans' from last year, and it's so great to read your very upbeat post that I just had to reply.

For the rest of you, I, like riverguy, practically lived on this board last year. About a year ago, my last post was very very teary, with a full basket of kleenexes next to me (at work too). I was a wreck.

Those who were struggling at that time - riverguy, sambagita, oh a few more I can't remember right now - plus the cls chris and noregrets - may remember my pathetic story... my husband's affair made me so un-me, that I plunged into one of my own with a co-worker and it broke my heart.

I can't say what's happened the past year, as things are still not quite resolved and things are still messy, and most importantly, I promised my husband that when we have issues, we talk it out first and work it out together.

But I just want to reach out to those who are wondering if the pain will get less after ending the affair, because I can tell you that it will. It will take a helluva long time, but it will. And even if you can't do complete NC (like I couldn't cos we're co-workers), you WILL feel better. Just give it time, a lot of patience, a huge amount of self-control and HOURS of intense exercise to get your mind cleared.

I can honestly look back and say, ok, it was a bad decision, totally irresponsible and immature of me to start an affair (so that you know that I do not blame my husband for what I did - the responsibility was totally mine); but I am now able to pick out the good from the bad, and hold on to that. I will cherish the friendship with the OM, and a lot of other little things which I am grateful for from that period of my life. If you're still hurting, just concentrate on you and try to minimise contact with him. I know it's hard, but you've got to grit your teeth, put your head down and plough through it. Talk it out with a good friend, keep a diary, think about it as much as you want, but you MUST get on with life. In time to come, you will be able to think more clearly and extract the good and say goodbye to the bad. For me it took longer than most people, but it still happened.

Good luck everyone, you're in good hands here, believe me. This board rocks.