I hope this was bottom........
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| Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:30am |
tonight i behaved so stupidly.....normally i don't go out at night (anymore!), and i don't feel the need to leave the house, but i just felt like i was going to burst here at home tonight, and decided to go to the bookstore to browse.....but on the way there, saw myself heading for his neighborhood, knowing i shouldn't......i knew my intentions were to just drive past his house, maybe steal a glimpse of him through his window......i honestly knew that i didn't want any other contact with him, had no desire to talk to him at all, just wanted to do the stupid drive-by...i tried to call 2 friends in the hopes they'd just talk me out of it, but of course no one was home.....so i figured what's the harm in passing by if it gets me through a moment.....the problem was i couldn't just pass by.....i kept driving around and around his block, slowing and stopping in front of his house so many times (i still can't believe i was behaving like that!!), trying to see something through the windows so that i could figure out what was going on in his house, etc.....were they eating dinner?....would i catch them interacting?.....has he been attempting to rekindle his marriage since we split?.....for some reason, the answer to that question seems to be very important to me......i've been feeling that i only wish i knew if he WAS trying to work on his marriage (which he was never doing when we were together), or even wish i knew if there was someone else new in his life.....in my mind, knowing that would help me to move on myself, it would be another more final nail in the coffin and i think it would help me get to the next step of this insanely painful and long process of letting go.......
so, i drove around his block so many times that - and i can't even believe this happened - i think his neighbor noticed me passing by/slowing/stopping, etc, and i think he called the police.....and the next time i came around the block, there was a police car waiting for me to pass again!.....i almost died!!!......the cop and the neighbor approached me and just asked me why i was out driving around......i made up some stupid reason for driving around this neighborhood......told him i had argued with my husband and left the house to cool off (i don't even TALK to my husband!).....the cop looked at my license, and then just told me they're very careful in the area because there have been some robberies.....he accepted my reasons and let me go....
i felt like i had just hit bottom.....what a horrible feeling.....i felt like a criminal.....i thought how the real reason i was driving around sounded...."well, officer, i'm circling the block of my ex-lover because i miss him so and was hoping to catch a glimpse of him through his window, maybe hoping to see him affectionate with his wife so that i'd know he's moved on and i should let go of every last bit of hope.".....i thought to myself, how freakin pathetic am i behaving!!!....what is wrong with me????....why am i getting worse instead of better???...the only good thing about hitting bottom is that there's no where to go but up, and i want to go in that direction so much....
i'm still feeling absolutely mortified......i'm also wondering, and this is very possible, if his neighbor will wind up sharing this story with him if he ever bumps into him....this thought just turns my insides.....i can't imagine him knowing that i was behaving like that, driving around his block and then questioned by a cop....and it bothers me so much that i won't know if he knows or not.....i could just die from embarassment....
but the feeling i'm left with is one of "wanting to know" .....when i got home, i had to stop myself from saying i've had enough of this (NC) and i'm just going to email him to say hi.....my hope would be that i would email him and his response (if there were one) would be one that led me to feel and believe that this really IS over.....i truly want so much to LET GO......i feel sometimes that not knowing that he has moved on, not knowing that he is feeling better and is glad we're finally out of that mess, not knowing those things (if they're true) only lends itself to my holding onto the last thread of hope that we will be together some day.....
believe me, i know how irrational this thinking is...i've had many rational thoughts and moments these past 2 months, but tonight just wasn't one of those times.......it's almost as if i'm at the point of really wanting to just let it all go, but that last thread is just so strong, and obsessive behaviors like tonight are just my way of resisting letting go of that last hope that he loves and cares about me the way i need him to.......i can only hope i get past this point relatively quickly.......i can tell you it will be a long long time, hopefully forever, before i go anywhere near his house again.......

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Can't imagine how difficult it must be to have him in such a distance you can actually reach him. My MM lives far, far away - in a different country. That makes it both more difficult, but also easier...
Keep thinking positive and rational, like you have been doing for some time now. Be strong!!
Take care!!!
Don't be so hard on yourself, Ada
It is all part of the grieving process ... the ups and downs. Some days you get on fine, other days you feel like its the end of the world. And it's perfectly understandable that one would fall every now and then. What's important is that you are able to pick yourself up and continue to walk.
I don't really know what else to say (considering that I am not feeling very "up" today) save that I understand what you are going through, I totally sympathise with your predicament and that I pray you will find peace of mind and the strength to go through with this.
I'm posting a link here that I feel may help you during this time....it just came to me in an email from Yoga Journal...and its written by a man who is Buddhist. Its too long to reprint or summarize here...but there is a particular section called "The Way Things Are" followed by "The End of Suffering". These two sections have helped me TREMENDOUSLY in the past couple of days dealing with obsessiveness, constant thought patterns and the feelings of grief.
http://www.yogajournal.com/meditation/138_1.cfm?ctsrc=nlv87
If this link doesn't work let me know.
I hope things look brighter for you today!!!
dharma
i have been in therapy for a long time, but my therapist and i have become too comfortable, and it's more like a friendship than therapy.....so i am in the process of looking for a new therapist, which i (obviously) really need.....
thank you again for your response, and mankella and tweetybird, too!....any words of support or compassion are so needed and appreciated in moments like these......ada
I was going to suggest therapy, but you're on top of that one. That's one of the things that really helped me get myself back together after I ended my A a year ago.
one of the things i find difficult about reading some of the stories here on the board is that so many married people look to work on their marriages after they end their affairs.....or there are the people who get a divorce because they realize there is no chance of reviving their marriage.....i'm sure much of my depression stems from the fact that there is absolutely positively no chance my marriage will ever be saved, and i am currently unable to get a divorce, although that has been my plan for many years....i think much of the pain i'm experiencing right now is a combination of the end of the affair, and absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel as far as my future goes.....i think that if i were moving in some direction in my life towards the life i want that i would be able to cope somewhat better with the end of the affair....in my mind, there is a plan for my future, but it is not soon enough, and i have been so lonely and unhappy in my marriage for so long.....the affair gave me so much of what i needed and had been starved for for so long, but now that's all gone, and i'm trying to adjust to living without it all again....
i wish you a better day tomorrow, (((C2))), and i'm hoping that you feel a little better and a little stronger every day.......hang in there.....we'll make it....we have to!!
Hang with me for a moment so I can get to my point... I was laughing when you described that whole scene. Yes, we're all human...we all do silly things.. I think it was hysterical. The depravity of it all...astonishing...I had a simular...time when I knew I had hit my ultimate LOW... I was too embarassed to even post it here! I actually, paid 5 dollars for a satellite photo of what I thought was my XMM's wife. Well what it ended up being was a very grainy balck and white satellite photo of their house... and I thought OH MY GOD>... what the hell am I doing? I've never seen or met XMM's wife... So I was so curious. Anyhow, you are not alone... I hope you use the memory of that situation... to give you kind of a scared straight kind of thing... I know my 5 dollar incident..really woke me up! You are totally healthy because you knew it was dumb! Hang in there girlie... YOU WILL BE FINE>> TIME HEALS
Hugs to you, KATJA
yes, i'm trying to put it behind me, and you all have been so great to offer your support.....thank you again!
have a great weekend!.....ada
p.s......hugs to you all (and audrey, too!)
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