I hope this was bottom........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
I hope this was bottom........
18
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:30am
i feel like i hit bottom tonight..i can't understand why, but it's been 3 months since we ended it and 2 months of NC, and i've been feeling worse this past week or two.....i know things go in cycles, but i really don't understand how much i've been missing him and thinking about him recently......

tonight i behaved so stupidly.....normally i don't go out at night (anymore!), and i don't feel the need to leave the house, but i just felt like i was going to burst here at home tonight, and decided to go to the bookstore to browse.....but on the way there, saw myself heading for his neighborhood, knowing i shouldn't......i knew my intentions were to just drive past his house, maybe steal a glimpse of him through his window......i honestly knew that i didn't want any other contact with him, had no desire to talk to him at all, just wanted to do the stupid drive-by...i tried to call 2 friends in the hopes they'd just talk me out of it, but of course no one was home.....so i figured what's the harm in passing by if it gets me through a moment.....the problem was i couldn't just pass by.....i kept driving around and around his block, slowing and stopping in front of his house so many times (i still can't believe i was behaving like that!!), trying to see something through the windows so that i could figure out what was going on in his house, etc.....were they eating dinner?....would i catch them interacting?.....has he been attempting to rekindle his marriage since we split?.....for some reason, the answer to that question seems to be very important to me......i've been feeling that i only wish i knew if he WAS trying to work on his marriage (which he was never doing when we were together), or even wish i knew if there was someone else new in his life.....in my mind, knowing that would help me to move on myself, it would be another more final nail in the coffin and i think it would help me get to the next step of this insanely painful and long process of letting go.......

so, i drove around his block so many times that - and i can't even believe this happened - i think his neighbor noticed me passing by/slowing/stopping, etc, and i think he called the police.....and the next time i came around the block, there was a police car waiting for me to pass again!.....i almost died!!!......the cop and the neighbor approached me and just asked me why i was out driving around......i made up some stupid reason for driving around this neighborhood......told him i had argued with my husband and left the house to cool off (i don't even TALK to my husband!).....the cop looked at my license, and then just told me they're very careful in the area because there have been some robberies.....he accepted my reasons and let me go....

i felt like i had just hit bottom.....what a horrible feeling.....i felt like a criminal.....i thought how the real reason i was driving around sounded...."well, officer, i'm circling the block of my ex-lover because i miss him so and was hoping to catch a glimpse of him through his window, maybe hoping to see him affectionate with his wife so that i'd know he's moved on and i should let go of every last bit of hope.".....i thought to myself, how freakin pathetic am i behaving!!!....what is wrong with me????....why am i getting worse instead of better???...the only good thing about hitting bottom is that there's no where to go but up, and i want to go in that direction so much....

i'm still feeling absolutely mortified......i'm also wondering, and this is very possible, if his neighbor will wind up sharing this story with him if he ever bumps into him....this thought just turns my insides.....i can't imagine him knowing that i was behaving like that, driving around his block and then questioned by a cop....and it bothers me so much that i won't know if he knows or not.....i could just die from embarassment....

but the feeling i'm left with is one of "wanting to know" .....when i got home, i had to stop myself from saying i've had enough of this (NC) and i'm just going to email him to say hi.....my hope would be that i would email him and his response (if there were one) would be one that led me to feel and believe that this really IS over.....i truly want so much to LET GO......i feel sometimes that not knowing that he has moved on, not knowing that he is feeling better and is glad we're finally out of that mess, not knowing those things (if they're true) only lends itself to my holding onto the last thread of hope that we will be together some day.....

believe me, i know how irrational this thinking is...i've had many rational thoughts and moments these past 2 months, but tonight just wasn't one of those times.......it's almost as if i'm at the point of really wanting to just let it all go, but that last thread is just so strong, and obsessive behaviors like tonight are just my way of resisting letting go of that last hope that he loves and cares about me the way i need him to.......i can only hope i get past this point relatively quickly.......i can tell you it will be a long long time, hopefully forever, before i go anywhere near his house again.......

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:20am
Ada, honey! Feel so sorry for you about what happened, can only imagine how you felt. It's like this thought got stuck in your head and you couldn't get out of it. Too bad your friends weren't there right then. Just want to say we are all here for you, to listen and give advice the best we can.

Can't imagine how difficult it must be to have him in such a distance you can actually reach him. My MM lives far, far away - in a different country. That makes it both more difficult, but also easier...

Keep thinking positive and rational, like you have been doing for some time now. Be strong!!

Take care!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 6:20am


Don't be so hard on yourself, Ada

It is all part of the grieving process ... the ups and downs. Some days you get on fine, other days you feel like its the end of the world. And it's perfectly understandable that one would fall every now and then. What's important is that you are able to pick yourself up and continue to walk.

I don't really know what else to say (considering that I am not feeling very "up" today) save that I understand what you are going through, I totally sympathise with your predicament and that I pray you will find peace of mind and the strength to go through with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:36am
Big hugs, Ada....I have been there too, with the obsessiveness and the feeling like I was acting crazy. Yes, I've done the drive by, plenty of times...knowing I shouldn't but do anyway. One time I did it during the day...and as I was driving down his street, I saw a man outside and PANICKED that it could have been him. I thought "my god, if he EVER saw me, he would think I'm nuts or psycho"....then I thought "maybe I AM PSYCHO"....lol. I'm so sorry that you had that experience with the police...that sounded very scary...and I can feel your panic.

I'm posting a link here that I feel may help you during this time....it just came to me in an email from Yoga Journal...and its written by a man who is Buddhist. Its too long to reprint or summarize here...but there is a particular section called "The Way Things Are" followed by "The End of Suffering". These two sections have helped me TREMENDOUSLY in the past couple of days dealing with obsessiveness, constant thought patterns and the feelings of grief.

http://www.yogajournal.com/meditation/138_1.cfm?ctsrc=nlv87

If this link doesn't work let me know.

I hope things look brighter for you today!!!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 6:48pm
thanks, dharma, for the link....i will definitely read it...i've been doing a lot of reading lately about surving loss of love, abandonment, obsessive love, love addiction, consciousness, etc...i thought it was helping, but have just had such a huge setback this past week.....even though his relationship with his wife was terrible for the past 5 years, i've been unable to control my thoughts about the possibility that they are trying to rekindle their marriage.....i'm just finding this almost worse than the original weeks of withdrawal......in the middle of doing something, thoughts and images of him and his wife will enter my mind, and before i can even use any technique to stop the thought, it's already happened....i'll imagine them together, kissing, smiling, laughing, making love, happy.....it just completely crushes me, and i don't know why i'm doing that to myself....thinking that he is with her is causing me to re-experience intense feelings of rejection, and a feeling of the relationship being ended all over again, but in a more significant way......it feels as if he just told me that it's over because he's going to work on his marriage......but that hasn't actually happened, and i don't understand why i'm putting myself through this.......there must be a less painful way to get to the acceptance stage of this process......

i have been in therapy for a long time, but my therapist and i have become too comfortable, and it's more like a friendship than therapy.....so i am in the process of looking for a new therapist, which i (obviously) really need.....

thank you again for your response, and mankella and tweetybird, too!....any words of support or compassion are so needed and appreciated in moments like these......ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:34pm
Ada, Don't feel bad about driving by, if my XOM lived in my town I'm sure I would have done that at least once! And the neighbor most likely will never bring it up to him about you driving by. I think you are right about the cycles, it's been 3 months and 1 week of NC for me and a few weeks ago I felt so strong, giving advice on here and all. The last 4 or 5 days I have been absolutely sick with grief. Depressed, lonely, thinking about him and his GF constantly. I even looked her (his GF) up on line and found a picture of her. I thought I was hitting bottom too doing that! You're right, we are torturing ourselves but somehow I can't stop, maybe its part of the riddance process. I don't know, but you're not alone and things will get better...for all of us...sooner or later...let's pray sooner. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 8:24pm
I agree with everyone's posts -- don't be so hard on yourself. I think it was God helping you out there with the neighbor and the cop. I know that sounds backwards, but if you think of this incident as hitting bottom -- there's only one way to go ... UP! Good luck to you.

I was going to suggest therapy, but you're on top of that one. That's one of the things that really helped me get myself back together after I ended my A a year ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:07pm
careful2.....thank you for your kind words....i'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through....i've read all of your posts, and have wanted to reply to yours, as well as so many others, which i had done quite a bit of weeks ago, but recently have just found i haven't had much to offer.....but i just wanted to say i know what you're going through, and i completely understand that feeling of not being able to stop, at least when i allow the obsessing to get the best of me, like last night......i find when i can stop it from getting out of hand, force myself not to drive there, or force myself to just turn off the computer, then i can get some control over these behaviors....and i was doing so much better weeks ago, as you were......i'm sorry to hear you're feeling so depressed and lonely, and all i can say is i know the feeling......wouldn't it be great if we could all get together and have one big group therapy session every day?....well, i guess the board will have to do!.....i'm trying to see these setbacks as part of the process, but i also don't want to just sit back, because it has recently been getting the best of me more than i think is healthy......i keep praying that the heartache will begin to lessen, and that the fear that my life will never even closely resemble the life i want will eventually be replaced with something more positive......

one of the things i find difficult about reading some of the stories here on the board is that so many married people look to work on their marriages after they end their affairs.....or there are the people who get a divorce because they realize there is no chance of reviving their marriage.....i'm sure much of my depression stems from the fact that there is absolutely positively no chance my marriage will ever be saved, and i am currently unable to get a divorce, although that has been my plan for many years....i think much of the pain i'm experiencing right now is a combination of the end of the affair, and absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel as far as my future goes.....i think that if i were moving in some direction in my life towards the life i want that i would be able to cope somewhat better with the end of the affair....in my mind, there is a plan for my future, but it is not soon enough, and i have been so lonely and unhappy in my marriage for so long.....the affair gave me so much of what i needed and had been starved for for so long, but now that's all gone, and i'm trying to adjust to living without it all again....

i wish you a better day tomorrow, (((C2))), and i'm hoping that you feel a little better and a little stronger every day.......hang in there.....we'll make it....we have to!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 7:40pm
ADA,

Hang with me for a moment so I can get to my point... I was laughing when you described that whole scene. Yes, we're all human...we all do silly things.. I think it was hysterical. The depravity of it all...astonishing...I had a simular...time when I knew I had hit my ultimate LOW... I was too embarassed to even post it here! I actually, paid 5 dollars for a satellite photo of what I thought was my XMM's wife. Well what it ended up being was a very grainy balck and white satellite photo of their house... and I thought OH MY GOD>... what the hell am I doing? I've never seen or met XMM's wife... So I was so curious. Anyhow, you are not alone... I hope you use the memory of that situation... to give you kind of a scared straight kind of thing... I know my 5 dollar incident..really woke me up! You are totally healthy because you knew it was dumb! Hang in there girlie... YOU WILL BE FINE>> TIME HEALS

Hugs to you, KATJA

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:52pm
Ada, don't be too hard on yourself... we all go through this. I too had my silly moments of keying in my xOM's name on the internet just to see what would turn up. And reading all his old messages from ICQ... and driving home HIS way even though it's like taking a detour for me... let's see, what else did I do??? I had countless conversations with him in my head, perfect wonderful conversations where he would say everything I wanted him to say, romantic-movie-starring-Meg-Ryan style... oh, we've all done silly things, just put it behind you. We're behind you sweetie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 10:03pm
hi katja and wasnotthinking!.....you are both too sweet to be sharing your silly behavior stories with me to make me feel better....aww......thanks!.....and, katja, i'm glad i made you laugh!.....it's ok.....even though i started out crying when telling the story to a close friend, we both wound up hysterical laughing, she at the visual on the whole scene with me and the cops, and me at the thought of how posessed i felt that night, driving round and round and round, probably 25 times....it was like a modern version of some i love lucy story!....at least we got a good laugh out of it!!

yes, i'm trying to put it behind me, and you all have been so great to offer your support.....thank you again!

have a great weekend!.....ada

p.s......hugs to you all (and audrey, too!)

Pages