I hope this was bottom........
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| Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:30am |
tonight i behaved so stupidly.....normally i don't go out at night (anymore!), and i don't feel the need to leave the house, but i just felt like i was going to burst here at home tonight, and decided to go to the bookstore to browse.....but on the way there, saw myself heading for his neighborhood, knowing i shouldn't......i knew my intentions were to just drive past his house, maybe steal a glimpse of him through his window......i honestly knew that i didn't want any other contact with him, had no desire to talk to him at all, just wanted to do the stupid drive-by...i tried to call 2 friends in the hopes they'd just talk me out of it, but of course no one was home.....so i figured what's the harm in passing by if it gets me through a moment.....the problem was i couldn't just pass by.....i kept driving around and around his block, slowing and stopping in front of his house so many times (i still can't believe i was behaving like that!!), trying to see something through the windows so that i could figure out what was going on in his house, etc.....were they eating dinner?....would i catch them interacting?.....has he been attempting to rekindle his marriage since we split?.....for some reason, the answer to that question seems to be very important to me......i've been feeling that i only wish i knew if he WAS trying to work on his marriage (which he was never doing when we were together), or even wish i knew if there was someone else new in his life.....in my mind, knowing that would help me to move on myself, it would be another more final nail in the coffin and i think it would help me get to the next step of this insanely painful and long process of letting go.......
so, i drove around his block so many times that - and i can't even believe this happened - i think his neighbor noticed me passing by/slowing/stopping, etc, and i think he called the police.....and the next time i came around the block, there was a police car waiting for me to pass again!.....i almost died!!!......the cop and the neighbor approached me and just asked me why i was out driving around......i made up some stupid reason for driving around this neighborhood......told him i had argued with my husband and left the house to cool off (i don't even TALK to my husband!).....the cop looked at my license, and then just told me they're very careful in the area because there have been some robberies.....he accepted my reasons and let me go....
i felt like i had just hit bottom.....what a horrible feeling.....i felt like a criminal.....i thought how the real reason i was driving around sounded...."well, officer, i'm circling the block of my ex-lover because i miss him so and was hoping to catch a glimpse of him through his window, maybe hoping to see him affectionate with his wife so that i'd know he's moved on and i should let go of every last bit of hope.".....i thought to myself, how freakin pathetic am i behaving!!!....what is wrong with me????....why am i getting worse instead of better???...the only good thing about hitting bottom is that there's no where to go but up, and i want to go in that direction so much....
i'm still feeling absolutely mortified......i'm also wondering, and this is very possible, if his neighbor will wind up sharing this story with him if he ever bumps into him....this thought just turns my insides.....i can't imagine him knowing that i was behaving like that, driving around his block and then questioned by a cop....and it bothers me so much that i won't know if he knows or not.....i could just die from embarassment....
but the feeling i'm left with is one of "wanting to know" .....when i got home, i had to stop myself from saying i've had enough of this (NC) and i'm just going to email him to say hi.....my hope would be that i would email him and his response (if there were one) would be one that led me to feel and believe that this really IS over.....i truly want so much to LET GO......i feel sometimes that not knowing that he has moved on, not knowing that he is feeling better and is glad we're finally out of that mess, not knowing those things (if they're true) only lends itself to my holding onto the last thread of hope that we will be together some day.....
believe me, i know how irrational this thinking is...i've had many rational thoughts and moments these past 2 months, but tonight just wasn't one of those times.......it's almost as if i'm at the point of really wanting to just let it all go, but that last thread is just so strong, and obsessive behaviors like tonight are just my way of resisting letting go of that last hope that he loves and cares about me the way i need him to.......i can only hope i get past this point relatively quickly.......i can tell you it will be a long long time, hopefully forever, before i go anywhere near his house again.......

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((hugs))
ADA...Are you OK... HOLLA
Katja
my outlook has changed, my expectations have changed, my life plans have changed, and i am working on resolving personal issues that have stood in the way of me accepting the love and friendship he has offered me....and so for the first time in almost 5 years, i no longer fall apart after we've seen each other.....i have not cried in a couple of weeks (this is unheard of for me, even when we were together, as i just found the limitations of our relationship to be too much to bear in the past)......prior to this time, i spent all those years longing for the "ALL"....i wanted it all....i wanted the relationship we had on a full time basis.....i wanted us to go through these major changes to be together......i wanted him to do the things he simply cannot do so that we could live together.....
but now, because of the change of plans in my own life regarding divorcing, and other realizations, i'm not chasing the evasive "ALL" any more, or at least not right now....i look around, and i can't find one marriage that i know of, friends, relatives, etc, that i would give anything to have.....i'm just not sure of whether or not i could ever have it "ALL" any more in my life...or at least i've realized that i can't be searching for it....if it's going to happen in my life, it will.....if i'm going to find another soulmate with whom i can share my life out in the open, then i will.....but i just can't be waking up every day in agony because i don't have it ALL......i have to think of my kids, and need to continue growing in my career, and do have some thoughts about my future, but am trying to live in the present for the first time in my life....i don't see this as pessimistic, just realistic....
right now, i am actually, for the first time since MM and i have known each other, feeling pretty content with things in general....i'm happy to be with him, happy to talk to him every day, not angry at him for not rescuing me, grateful for the best friend i have ever had, and feeling very fortunate for the incredibly wonderful romantic and sexy times we have together......do i wonder or hope that maybe someday we will actually be together?....i honestly haven't been thinking about it at all...and that used to be what i thought about night and day!......for the first time, i'm actually able to focus on my kids and my life WHILE being in this relationship, completely supported by him in every aspect of my life.....before now, i allowed the relationship to rule my life.....but now i have a much better perspective on things, and am feeling so much more in control.....
so, i could go on and on, but i've rambled long enough.....suffice it to say that i walked back into this with my eyes wide open (it's impossible for it to be any other way after you go through the pain i just went through), and so did he.......and we talked and talked and talked for weeks before even seeing each other, as if we were afraid that we'd self-destruct from passion and longing if we just looked at each other!.....
and so, i do read a few messages on the board every couple of days....it's a hard habit to break completely.....but i know i don't belong here any more.....i can't help but feeling like a traitor!.....but i'm feeling good, and even my friends, who had absolutely had it with me, are seeing the changes, and are glad for me that i might possibly have discovered a way to some happineness in my life right now.....
ENOUGH OF ME!!!....thank you again for even wondering about me......and katja, i hope everything is well with the baby......i wish you all the very best of everything......and happiness wherever you can find it.......lots of love and hugs to you all.....ada
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I know I've gotten in my car presumably to have cigarettes and coffee and listen to the radio, and the next thing I know I'm cruising by his house, then circling the block, UGH! I haven't done it in a while because I don't want him to see me and interpret it as a hopeful sign that I'm still interested. Yes, it is obsessive behavior. You almost wonder whether it's really HIM that you're obsessed with or it goes even deeper. Are you tapping into some other feeling from another time in your life and just playing it out here? I don't know, maybe I've had too much therapy. But since there was really not rational reason for circling his house, you've got to wonder what was motivating you.
And honey, if it helps any at all, when I had my similar situation eventually I was able to laugh at myself. In fact, as I'm typing this and remembering my insane obsessive behavior in the other situation I can't help chuckling. In time, you'll forgive yourself and be able to see the humor. But please know that you're not alone. I didn't read all the other posts in response to yours, but I'm so willing to bet that we're not the only 2 who have done this!
Hugs, and have a better, more balanced day today!
i'm glad to hear that you're remembering the good things and feeling better about accepting and moving on....that is such a good thing.....and even if today IS just a good day for you, well, that's great!.....and i'm sure there'll be more good days, and they'll outnumber the bad ones soon....or maybe they already have, and you haven't even noticed it....
hugs to you katie, for all you've been through, and i'll be thinking about you and hoping that your days are all good days ......ada
I am lucky, I do love my husband & I know he loves me very much. We have two great kids. I would never want to hurt any of them. I have a hard time understanding why I ever let myself fall in love with someone else and risk everything I had. There are a lot of factors, I am sure. My husband works very hard and a lot of long hours, nights & weekends. I am alone (with the kids) a lot. I think deep down I feel abandoned and lonely sometimes. Also, after so many years as someone's wife, you kind of lose your own identity sometimes. XMM made me feel like someone interesting and exciting in my own right, not just somebody's wife or somebody's mother. H would never intentionally make me feel that way, I know. These are my own issues that I am working on dealing with and filling from within myself now instead of looking to someone else to do it for me...
Just a bit of self-analysis there, thanks for the chance to express it a little. ;)
Whatever works for you! I know I keep inventing myself everyday! Always be proud of yourself...no matter... what. Only you can truly love you. I wish you the best.
Katja
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