I Just Feel Numb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
I Just Feel Numb
1
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:19am
Hi, everyone,

Yesterday I felt a little bit of strength and clarity but at the same time I felt and still feel very numb. The beginning of the week I was an emotional mess and couldn't stop crying, but now even though I want to cry, I want to scream and get angry (which I know is the emotion that is piling up), I can't. I feel it in my chest, my heart feels heavy and my stomach is in knots and I want to let it all out....ALL of it so I could move on, but I can't. I don't know if that sounds strange, but I wish all the feelings associated with the ending of my 2nd marriage and the ending of my A would just go away. I know it's a process and I know all the logistics of this but feelings are just that...feelings and sometimes there isn't any logic, just emotion.

I want to email him, I want to see him, I want to touch him, I want to hear his voice (he used to sing to me..he's a musician), I want him. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone...ever, in this lifetime (I never even said these words to my H or anyone , ever).

Okay, I said it but I won't do it because I know the harm it will cause. I never wanted to fall in love, I didn't want to love another, an I certainly did not want nor did I look for an A. I went through feelings like this back in 1993 from another relationship (I wasn't married then)and promised myself that I would never again feel this kind of pain and here I am feeling it and it feels worse.

I know this sounds all messed up but thank you, everyone for letting me vent.

MidnightBlue

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:28am
I know how hard it is - believe me.

Just a few thoughts for you - first of all regarding the pent up emotion. As hard as it is to get going - I can't say enough about exercise. It gets everything going within you - emotions included and really does amazing things for you externally and internally. Bringing about incredible peace of mind. Anyway, it might help.

Next, just a thought my therapist once mentioned to me. I was in so much pain and just couldn't believe there would be an end to it. She brought me back to another relationship I had had - not as intense, but someone I was very much inlove with, that ended in pain and she asked me what I felt for him now. It had been so long ago, that really I felt nothing. Curiousity as to what had become of him, but even that was so mild. The feelings - all of them - were gone. The pain does end, and the intense loving feelings do end. Life will go on, but it does take time and your willingness to move on.

Good luck to you.