I just miss feeling sexy !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2013
I just miss feeling sexy !!
11
Tue, 10-08-2013 - 5:36pm

The thing I miss most now that my affair is over, is feeling like I have someone to be sexy for. I KNOW that I can  take care of myself for ME but it was great to have someone to appreciate me. I always made sure my hair and nails were done....worked out, ate right, etc...because I had some real motivation to look the best I could. I am starting to let myself go because I feel like there is no need to impress anyone. I am 37 and I think i'm feeling uglier by the day !!!

Pages

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 5:18pm

Yes...yes.   I read your story...just didn't connect the dots.  I don't want to continue to hijack this thread or for you to get lost in this thread, so if you want start a new thread with an update on how you are doing and what you thought about my response to your questions, that'd be great :)

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2013
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 4:34pm
Dear Clarity and all: This is my story: http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/after-your-affair/after-your-affair-support/my-story-2 And this is what had happened in the last weeks: http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/after-your-affair/after-your-affair-support/what-dowhat-do
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 10-14-2013 - 2:48pm

I'm glad you found something in our Healing Library that resonates with you.  I hope you continue to reading through the Library and see how others before you lead themselves out.  It's chock full of the ways and means to do so.

It use to house more, but it crashed and burned when ivillage did a switch over last October...thankfully, some threads managed to survive.

Feel free to start a new thread and share your story, if you'd like.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 10-14-2013 - 12:19pm

 Hi Forgetmenot75 :)

I don't know if your questions were rhetorical, but I'm going to try to answer them using my experience and observations here.

 

1. when we'll find solace?  Most times, it takes time and distance out and most importantly what you do with that time.  Getting proactive is the key. Sitting with a therapist to find out how and why you got to this place...finding out what makes you tick basically.  And there are loads of self-help books out there.

 

2.  when we'll be able to forget? I don't think we are meant to forget...it's important that we don't ever forget so we don't repeat such a negative experience.  Every experience brings with it a lesson for us.  I think of our lives as a quilt made up of patches of our experience.  Eventually each patch becomes surrounded by another patch 'til that one patch becomes a little more worn/forgotten.. yet is still an important patch because it is a part of who we are. 

3. how long does it take to see him not as the perfect man for you, but for the person who he really is? You wouldn't be here if he were the perfect man for you, right? Apparently, he is the perfect man for someone else. And perfect?  None of us are perfect.  And the sooner  you get real with your thinking (not being snarky...just sayin') and see his "behavior" as less than, this starts the process of taking him (and yourself) off that pedestal. He may not be a bad guy, but he (and you) have behaved quite badly by disrespecting, and showing a total lack of regard for, your loved ones and vows, if both of you are married.  And if one of you is single, still you helped collude with someone in behaving bad.

4.  When our mind will stop playing games with the things we remember of the affair? I wonder when I'll forget all this nightmare for once and forever...  When we become willing to get honest and real with ourselves and turn our minds towards, again, why we found ourselves in this position.

Feel free to share your story. It often helps getting it out and sometime we really see it for what it really was.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2013
Sun, 10-13-2013 - 4:48pm
thank you for posting the article from the healing library. It's truly revealing. when we'll find solace? when we'll be able to forget? how long does it take to see him not as the perfect man for you, but for the person who he really is? When our mind will stop playing games with the things we remember of the affair? I wonder when I'll forget all this nightmare for once and forever...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2013
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 5:23pm

Wow...just wow...these words are exactly what I am going through. Got this from the healing library...

 

You are coasting along in your life, maybe not entirely unhappily and maybe each day is different only in shades of gray and then you meet this person and you WAKE THE FK UP; color pours into your world and everything tastes better; every love song ever written is about YOU and this person; you cannot wait to wake up in the morning; you cannot wait to hear the things that will come out of this person’s mouth; there is no mundane, there is no taken for granted, there is no just-getting-through-life.

 

But you don’t really know if this is because this person is your soul mate or if it is because you are involved in a highly intoxicating situation that has a tenuous relationship to reality. Everything is felt to the 12th degree because your time together is compacted down to a dime. So every moment has to count! You don’t pay the bills together; and you don’t see the person every day for years on end in every varying state of his or her life so you don’t get that boredom lull.

 

When you eventually end it, and you will have to unless you are truly one of the lucky ones who can f* their best friend, lover, soul mate, other half and go home and not want one iota more of this person than you are getting (and kudos to you if you fit this profile..I almost wish I had this ability myself), you will feel grief of the most gutting, visceral pain you have ever known. You cannot acknowledge that there is now a hole inside of you because you are not supposed to be getting your fill elsewhere in the first place.

 

No contact is usually attempted so you cannot talk to the one person who makes you feel better about everything; you cannot put a band-aid on the wound which really needs f'ing hospitalization but you spray it with Bactine and hope for the best. You keep picking at it and picking at it until it bleeds again but then you realize that only when you leave it alone— truly well and alone — will it heal and fade. But you can’t because it is there. So you pick again.  You convince yourself that without this person in your life, you will never feel that alive again; that electrically charged; that AWAKE.  You mourn the loss of what you think was a better you; a more exciting, vibrant you; a you that was firing on all cylinders.  You go back to dead you and guess what? dead you is soul-suckingly boring.  Don’t you deserve to feel alive? Dammit don’t you deserve a little f'ing happiness in this den of misery we operate in? What is so wrong with having something that makes your soul sing? Must you really give up every shred of happiness to fall into society’s role of the perfect man or woman?

 

But guess what? This will never bring you happiness because you cannot live on half measures and you cannot live in between the cracks.  The push and pull will kill you.  Up/down, back and forth.  I need him, I want him, I love him, he is not mine, get over it, forget him, move on, numb, cope, survive, deal, steel yourself to get through WITHOUT HIM.

 

But knowing what you have to do and truly believing this is the course of action you wish to pursue? Worlds apart…your heart isn’t in it. You don’t want to live without this person.  You don’t want to settle.

 

Welcome to purgatory.  Trying to find a way out may kill you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2013
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 1:32pm

I really appreciate all your replies. Yes, logically of course I know that I need to do all these things for myself and I am worth it and blah blah blah.....I think we all know that ! I know I don't need a man to make me feel sexy and I should value myself and do these things for myself. But the fact of the matter is that right here right now it doesnt seem important and I seem to be slowly sinking into depression and missing the good feelings that came with the affair.

Now its easy to let things slip.....eat some junk food because I will "definitely" start eating right again tomorrow. Let another week pass by between nail appointments and another month pass by between hair appointments because there is nothing really to look forward to and its not on my priority list. Who is going to notice ?  Before, I was really good about all these things and felt so great about myself.

I dont even want to be in another relationship anytime soon. I just feel so low and my self esteem has taken a major hit ! Now whenever I am out with friends and family, it feels like I am all alone in a room full of people. I cant really talk about this with anyone. I guess theres a sense of shame too. I lack the emotional intimacy that I got from him. The good morning and good night emails. The "just thinking of you" emails. Just sharing things with each other. Being able to just talk about things that come up and also knowing that someone was so attracted to me and thought about me. There is a huge void and no other relationship really substitutes what I had. A friend is not the same as a lover...

 

 

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 11:20am

If you let yourself go, then you will just be making it much harder to meet someone else.  You are way too young to be giving up.  I am 56, divorced, haven't had a BF in 5 yrs but I still dye my hair, do my nails and dress nicely.  I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not go "yuck".

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 10:31am

Hi Gdeere

I remember feeling like that and I remember missing, too, the power of his attraction when I was spit, polished and shined..when he'd come over, see me and throw the take-out on the table, take my hand and lead me to the bedroom.  It's a heady feeling.  

Just keep doing what you've always been doing...for you...force yourself if you must.  Someone once said, and I don't remember who that someone was, "Always look your best because you never know when you will bump into Mr. Right-for-you."  And never stop smiling because you never know when someone is looking over and falling in love with your smile.

37 is young!  I know people who have met and fallen in love at all ages.  It's too early in your life to give up...and just because of one man.  It's a big planet :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 10-08-2013 - 11:16pm

Your mistake is that you don't do things like have your hair and nails done, or eat right or go to the gym for a man.......you do all those things for yourself, because you value yourself.  You can't look to a man to make you feel sexy or beautiful.....you need to feel that for yourself. 

And when you truly feel that you're beautiful inside and out, you'll find someone who will enhance that feeling, too.  Hopefully someone who's not attached to someone else.......     The single person in an affair is usually the loser in the end. 

Pages