I just need someone to listen!
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| Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:33am |
I’ve been in an A with a single younger guy. When the A started, we came to a mutual agreement about NO EMOTIONAL attachments! We both broke the rules on that one! I made the mistake of asking him about his feelings & if he felt like he was getting too attached to me. He was confused about his feelings for me & what he wants from our A. He expressed that he feels uncomfortable because of my H. (We are all friends) But he also said he can’t live without me in his life. During our conversation, OM BROKE DOWN...he said he doesn’t want to let me go but he doesn’t know if he can continue our A either. It hurt so bad to see him hurting that way. He said that no matter what, he needs me in his life. I realized that I can’t live without him in my life either but I know I can not give him anything more than an A. No matter what, I know we will both be emotionally crushed if we continued the A & I think it would destroy OM’s spirit and make him eventually resent me.
On Thursday the 18th, I suggested to OM that we take a few days to sort things out. We were due to spend the night together last night (22nd) & we agreed that there would be NC until then.
Update Tuesday November 23....*sigh*
I did it! I mentally prepared myself all day on Monday. I had NO idea what I was going to say to OM. We met at our usual place and were suppose to spend the night together. This past weekend, he was supposed to be thinking about his feelings & where he wanted our R to go but after receiving good advice, I decided that I would go ahead & end the A. When we arrived, we went thru our normal ritual … how was your day stuff...Etc...He reached over and took my hand in his, as he does frequently….Finally I asked him if he’d had time to think about our R. I noticed that he had a sudden distant look in his eyes and when he looked at me I could just tell what he was going to say. I hesitated to say anything, hoping he would say…”Hey lets just be friends”. Unfortunately he did not. He began his sentence with… “I never want to lose you…I can’t stand being without you…” I interrupted with…”but we both know as long as I am M, this R is not fair to you!”
I told OM that I care for him deeply and that NOTHING will change my feelings for him. I could tell that I was hurting him. He went into an entire speech about how we could just slow things down instead of ending it completely. He said he’d work thru his feelings about my H.
The entire time I was trying to be strong for us both & I was hurting so badly inside. It took everything I had to hold back the tears. The more I spoke, the tighter he clutched my hand. Finally I saw a tear stream down his cheek. I thought at that point I’d break.
He made reference to us spending our last night together…and again, I broke his heart & told him that I couldn’t do it, not even one night! I told him I was going home and that we’d talk later in the week. I also told him that maybe we shouldn’t communicate for a day or two. As soon as he was out of sight, I broke down!
I’m hurting so badly....I didn’t want to give him up…it hurts so much. …and haven’t stopped crying! The pain is terrible! I’m physically sick today...my chest hurts, my head is about to explode & I feel like I am going to cry forever! None of this makes sense as I have a great H & a good M. During my commute today I tried to list all the reasons I began this A. The only thing I could come up with was the fact that I am selfish! OM was young, hot & full of passion. I wasn’t in a bad M nor did I need the attention....
OM e-mailed me several times last night and I could tell that he is very hurt & upset. I’m trying not to show too much emotion. I know if I give even an inch...my heart will take control of my mind & I will let him back in. I feel like I am being a cold hearted b#$ch! I just want us to be friends....correction...I know all we can be is friends!
My emotions are all over the place today and all I can think about is OM & whether he is ok.
Any support, friendly advice or ANYTHING is appreciated!!! I don't have any real friends..the ones I have scoulded me when I mentioned my feelings for OM. My only source has been posting!

Hi looking,
Just wanted you to know we are listening. :)
My situation was very much like yours btw.I was also involved with a younger man.
Thank you so much..I'm finding it VERY HARD to fight for what I know is right. He e-mailed me a few times last night & has text'd me today telling me he misses me. I have not responded yet but I want to so badly. I know he is hurting...I know this because I am hurting so so so much.
YES, I will keep on reading...daily if I must! I can't let myself go back. Of course total NC is impossible because we see each other every Sunday night. At least it's in public & my H is with me. It's just very hard not to respond to him, I feel so cruel but like I said if I give in any at all, then I'm afraid I'll fold and go back to the A.
Thank you for the support.
Looking
Well, as long as you are receiving those emails you will find it very difficult to separate yourself from him. As many have written, your OM's attentions are like a drug to you. (your body is producing those *in love* endorphins that are very addictive) So whether or not you respond to your OM, you are still flying high on his attentions by reading those messages.
I'm afraid you are going to have to say goodbye, and block his messages if you have any hope of moving on. The sooner the better of course, but I know full well you can only do it when you are ready.
Anyway you might read the post regarding staying friends to see others views on that.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14783.1&ctx=128
And well everything else as far back as you have time for.
It's not going to be easy I'm afraid. And I'm sorry for that. But this is a good place to vent about the suckage of it all.
*big hug*
Someday
He text'd me again a few minutes ago...says he misses me! This is SO HARD. We can't do NC because we are on the same bowling team on Sunday night. BUT I would like NC the rest of the time. Should I tell him to stop e-mailing & text messaging me?
Thanks for the support too. I read those other post! very helpful!
Well I was under the impression you already had told him, however if that is not the case, then if it makes you more comfortable, you might send him an email telling him you wish no further contact and you will be taking measures to assure this happens.
Now if you are anything like me, you will sit down and compose some long drawn out pile of crap to make yourself feel better about the whole thing. (not funny but I'm laughing here :) Um don't bother, it will only aggrivate things. Keep it simple, you already had the discussion in person, this is just the follow up.
Then block him on your phone, email, instant messaging, and anything else he contacts you on. As far as bowling, well, it is your choice, but I would stick by my husbands side like glue. If you ever allow yourself to step away or entertain the thought of trying, then you might find you have to give that up too.
Either that or you might as well tell your husband, because it won't be long he will find out and then you will have a whole other problem to deal with. :(
*hugs*
Someday
I blocked his e-mail addresses & his # from my phone. I feel so cruel for doing it but I need NC to heal! I think he does too. I just don't think he realizes it yet. To avoid a situation, I went ahead & told my H almost everything. The one thing I didn't tell him was that OM & I had IC. I told H that I had become very close to OM and that we had a special relationship etc...I think H could read between the lines & heard the unspoken message. Now more than ever I realize how great my H really is. He said that NOTHING would get between us & that he understood why I turned to OM! WOW..was I ever stupid to even have an A!!!! My H is terrific. I also told H that I was trying to limit my contact with OM to Sunday evening only. H understands and says he will do everything he can to make sure he is there for me in every way possible!
I would like to compose some long drawn out pile of crap to OM to make myself feel better. (I'm laughing too!) but I think you're correct...we've had this discussion. I do want to let him know that my choice of NC does not mean that I hate him or that our time together wasn't special but that I need NC to heal and he needs to respect my wishes.
Again, thanks for the support!
"I do want to let him know that my choice of NC does not mean that I hate him or that our time together wasn't special but that I need NC to heal and he needs to respect my wishes."
^ that's what I was talking about. Anything you say to soften the truth is just a means to keeping the door open.
I think someone said something yesterday about how we women tend to try so hard to be nice about things, and all we do is prolong the pain by doing so.
There is nothing nice about this situation if you look at it realisitically. But then we tend not to do that. :(
Anyway handle it the way that makes you most comfortable. But don't be surprised if OM takes any of the niceties as possible cracks in the door where he will weasel his foot in given the chance.
You remind me so much of myself in the beginning of the end, which was hmmmm probably 4 years ago. I didn't realize that our break ups were just preludes to us getting back together. A roller coaster ride to he** looking back. But I kept buying my ticket. ;)
*hugs*
Someday
You're right...
I did it...called him up, told him absolutely NO CONTACT unless it was Sunday evenings & I also let him know that I'd be at the side of my H. Also told him that H knows most of the story & he plans on making sure nothing comes between us again. OM said he understands and that he will not contact me unless he hears from me first!
Why do I feel like this is not over? Hmmm...we'll just have to see.