I just sunk so low- Im ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
I just sunk so low- Im ashamed
30
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 12:53am

Hi all

Well after that text on Wednesday from exAP, I started getting curious- well obsessed maybe. I suspected a few mths ago that he was on a dating site, he outrightly denied it and was outraged that I would suspect that.

Yesterday I set up a fake profile and made contact with the profile I thought was him. He replied and signed off with a name that he used with me and our clandestine activities. Its not a common name at all. It was obviously him.

I deleted the fake profile and now feel absolutely as low as a person can feel. His profile was set up 3 mths into our 18mth affair- at the height of when we were 'in love'. I just cant understand it. I have spent the last 24hrs wracking my brain over how he could have done this, why would he- I was giving him the best of everything. I have even started justifying it and coming up with possible excuses for him! How sick is that!!! 'Maybe the intensity of our A was too much and he wanted to look at porn webcams! Maybe he set it up and never used it again- until now!

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 3:37pm

IGG....

Whatcha did was yesterday, Today's a new day - Dont beat yourself up over it anymore than you already have.

Ive been reading alot about narcissistic abuse & the recovery from it - Not All xap's are narcissistic - however if yours WAS - I read that the "victims" of narcissistic abuse have periods where we "run back to the N" for answers / to stop the pain / to QUESTION the baffling circumstances.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 5:13pm
Dear Iggy,

i am sorry you made the choice you did to hurt yourself so terribly. I can only imagine what thoughts and feeling were swirling through your brain to convince you that the actions you were taking to set up that profile were in your best interest.

That takes some time ... filing in the questions, sending a response etc ... you would have been swirling in pain for quite a while.

So, what was going on Iggy? Get real with yourself. This isn't about needing to know he is okay, and what he is up to, or not. There are deeper issues going on here - as others have pointed out - therapy is a must.

I know we mess up - do we ever - in this ending process. BUT I know that you knew better. I know that alarm bells were going off but you chose to ignore them.

You went chasing the pain and anguish. YOU sought it out even though everyone here told you to ignore the text, to see it for what it was ... you carried on anyway.

THIS is what concerns me ... against YOUR better judgment, and the wisdom of the board, you went looking for hurt. And then to be angry at confirming what you already knew to be true? For what Iggy?

YOU gotta believe you are worth more than this ... not because xAP does or does not choose to do whatever it is he chooses to do. YOU are NOT in a relationship with that person - you never ever were. And whether narcissist or not, it doesn't matter.

* in my opinion, and as an aside, to continue to frame/diagnose an xAP without having a clue who they are or are not in real life, is a distraction from taking accountability and responsibility for our own actions and our own hurts. I know it helps some people here to do so, but just to caution that to do so assumes we actually were in a real relationship within which we can appraise the other person based on how they *actually* would have behaved if we were in a *real* relationship with them. For those of us who work(ed) with our xAP, indeed you can see how global their inefficiencies really were.

Can you imagine what WE would all have been labeled? Talk about your group of bi-polar paranoid, self-loathing women ... see, WE too acted in ways that would have been surely diagnosable from the way we would have appeared from the outside. ADD on that going NC, well you got yourself some certifiable nut jobs. The point? Focus only on yourself, your actions, and getting to the bottom of whatever was going on inside you that risked your well-being to find out the activities of some xAP.

This is all said from a place of concern Iggy.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 5:59pm

http://able2know.org/topic/101932-1

Here's the link I found (I cannot figure out how to search my old posts...)-

Iggy - I hate that you are going through what you're going through and you did what you did....but your honest post and the replies you've received have helped me - and I hope they've helped you.

We do need to be so careful about diagnosing someone we really don't know - we need to remember it doesn't matter - the relationship was built on lies so how can there be trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 6:04pm

Let me add, that in my case - this diagnosis was definitely made about MY xap.

I was one of MANY people that experienced the affect of his narcissistic abuse. I interacted with coworkers and other mistresses of his who also were abused by his narcissism.

I wanted to add, my particular affair (I was single, he was a mm) was a parallel relationship - where we both interacted with eachother's families, friends and coworkers - counseling, etc.

I personally would not throw around this diagnosis carelessly.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 9:07pm
Stop making him out to be a villan and see the two of you for what you are. Two ppl who are good at deceiving ppl. Two ppl who need to find out why they feel the need to manipulate other ppl. You are dishonest and so is he. You can change your behavior by making a commitment to yourself to start living an honest life. You can't change him. You have no control over him. Realize that your behavior is just as despicable as his and change it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 10:00pm
wow Myra that is a bit harsh dont ya think? We are not here to judge but to help people keep their A ended and help them through the painful process. Who are you to call her behavior despicable? Totally uncalled for. We know what we've done over here is wrong, we do not need people throwing it in our faces and telling us. It is why we are here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 10:15pm
Iggy confessed what she did and is feeling so bad. We have all made bad decisions but we are good people. This is suppose to be a safe place to come to. I agree with R4Me...that was harsh and uncalled for.
MC
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 10:40pm
Wow - weird conundrum with this - I don't necessarily think Myra's being that harsh - especially since Iggy is NOT a newbie - she's been at this a while and I can see that yes she is sorry - but BS Is in fact BS - The behaviors while in the A are in fact, despicable - they are lies - it IS based in selfishness. Credit too should go to Iggs for recognizing the need to end, whether by her choice or not, and for her trying to maintain NC.

All that being said - I'm kind of surprised at the compassionate shoulders that have come out so quickly - without the usual BS being called way sooner - and appropriately, not as much back rubbing, but lots of encouragement to get back on the wagon.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 11:02pm

Im not saying "hey yay for you iggy" but I do not feel we need to be using words about someone like despicable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 11:33pm
I do understand what you're saying, but I don't think Myra's friend was saying SHE was despicable - in fact she said "Realize that your behavior is just as despicable as his and change it." - perhaps as a stop blaming him for being awful in his behavior with his trolling and realize you stooped to his level - so now change it kind of callout. I guess I didn't get that she was kicking when she was down. I'm all about helping a boardie get back on the wagon (Lord knows I needed the help when I was there) - I guess the joint commiseration with yeah he sucks and it was awful hand-holding just surprises me in all of this.

Iggy - you know I love you. However, you've been here long enough to realize that you are STILL continuing on in your A mentally. What are you changing today to prevent and change those needs for validation? What is YOUR role in getting through this? I'm proud you came and admitted your weak moment and I pray you feel the love we have for all boardies - be strong girl.
Much love,
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