I just sunk so low- Im ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
I just sunk so low- Im ashamed
30
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 12:53am

Hi all

Well after that text on Wednesday from exAP, I started getting curious- well obsessed maybe. I suspected a few mths ago that he was on a dating site, he outrightly denied it and was outraged that I would suspect that.

Yesterday I set up a fake profile and made contact with the profile I thought was him. He replied and signed off with a name that he used with me and our clandestine activities. Its not a common name at all. It was obviously him.

I deleted the fake profile and now feel absolutely as low as a person can feel. His profile was set up 3 mths into our 18mth affair- at the height of when we were 'in love'. I just cant understand it. I have spent the last 24hrs wracking my brain over how he could have done this, why would he- I was giving him the best of everything. I have even started justifying it and coming up with possible excuses for him! How sick is that!!! 'Maybe the intensity of our A was too much and he wanted to look at porn webcams! Maybe he set it up and never used it again- until now!

You are what you consistently do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 3:45am

Hello everyone,

Well my gosh you all know how to take a girl's breath away :)

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 3:54am
Hi WIWWM
Thankyou so much for this. I agree that thinking about exAPs issues are not healthy in itself other than looking at why we tend to do things/react ourselves. Are you able to email me? I cant seem to wok out how to contact you. Thanks xx
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 6:52am
I am very proud of your, Iggy, for accepting these responses in the love, tough love, and light they were given. This tells me you are receptive to wanting to understand yourself and why this incident has affected you so much. IMO, that's real progress. And even if you are 5 months out, so what? I was still flapping in the wind my entire first year out. I am so happy you made an appointment to discuss this with a professional.

I think you are an amazing woman who knows she needs help, and to me, this is what this board is all about; that we can come here and pour out the good, the bad, and the ugly without fearing that our weaknesses will be reprimanded or babied. We come here to learn the truth, and your hanging in here proves that you are someone who wants to be whole again, no matter what. I just know that someday this will all be behind you, honey.

Love and hugs,
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 6:59am

(((Iggy)))

I know you are trying so hard to move forward in your healing journey. I am proud of you for making that call and going for some professional help. It is going to be the extra help you need to get you over this stuck spot you're in. With the help of your T, you are going to discover the WHYs of your behavior, you're going to understand how you came to be the way your are, and you're going to develop new methods of changing your thinking and behavior. It's not magic and it doesn't happen over night. It takes lots of introspection and 100% complete honesty with your T. It is really hard--and sometimes painful--work, but I promise you it is so worth it.

I have no doubt it is because of my work with my T that I have moved so far beyond the painful longing stage of ending. Yes, I still think of him, but it is not with any longing, anger, a desire to see him or figure out what the A meant to him. It doesn't matter. I know what the A meant to ME (not in any romantic way, but in terms of what I needed and what I was getting out of it) and that is where I stay focused.

I think you are on to something (and I totally GET IT) when you say you are hanging on

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 12:52pm

(((Iggy)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 1:05pm
I think ALL of us can relate to wanting the validation that it was more than just a fleeting blip - the feelings we had are so real during the course of the A - they FEEL real - because in a way they are. I know that during the A, I did in fact LOVE my xAP. However, that love was not mine to give freely. And his was not available to me.

Let's be honest - if we had the relationship we did without our M's, it would be called dating and perfectly fine - and those feelings would have been free to explore, grow and the investment would a totally different outcome. But either we or the xAP WERE married, unavailable to love and give freely. and THAT is where deception, lies and manipulation come into play.

So were your feelings real? Probably - but your attachment prevents you from being able to continue on with it.

In the end there are no answers because as we hear so often - if it was REAL LOVE - the kind they are willing to give everything up for - They would be HERE, with us today and they are not.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 1:05pm
You are right in that there are no answers to be found THAT xAP can provide. The answers are inside each of us. Remember you're married folks, so why are your heads wrapped up in the actions of xAPs. PLUG back into your real life, your real relationships and work to getting beyond the idea that we thought of them any more than they thought of us. Everyone was using everyone ...

Don't struggle with the stories that you are creating in your own mind. Ask yourself instead:

"How does thinking I was so little to someone allow me to stay stuck in a particular way of being/acting?"

It is the emotions behind the thinking & actions that need to be challenged. We frame experiences in particular ways to allow ourselves to continue to engage in destructive ways. "If only I knew I meant something to him, that it wasn't just all for nothing then ..." then what?

These kinda questions are coming from deep places ... places of hurt that have NOTHING to do with whether or not someone outside your marriage thought you were worth something.

Iggy, your response after all the feedback was RIGHT ON ... and I am so impressed by your growth. YOU are making strides.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 5:01pm
You guys are right.
How do I feel when I continue to think abt him- validated or victimized. Why do I need to feel that??

I want to work these thing out otherwise Ill keep getting knocked off my path with little bumps!

I want to get to a point where I hardly think of him and when I do it's only to see it as my personal darkness before my personal dawn.

Iggy
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 6:13pm
Aw Iggs -
There will come a point where you will stop thinking of him, I know it seems unlikely right now, but as you uncover inner issues within YOU, as you identify personal NEEDS and learn to validate yourself you will get to this point. You were not a victim, you chose your A - like the rest of us and so your unfulfillment is overwhelming. Give it time, have faith - find someone to serve - it takes your mind off our selfish thoughts! :) Read, learn, get into therapy -
Much love
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 6:49pm

Iggy,

Not until I got into therapy did I realize where my need for attention, validation or supposed "love" was coming from.

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