I just texted him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
I just texted him
7
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 6:32pm


I am so frustrated. I just text MM to tell him I am taking the brunt of the crap at work and that he is a coward. I told him he was right I was stronger than him and always will be. Then I said I would never forgive him. I'm so incredibly angry right now. People at work are relentless and I'm going to blow. They believe I am responsible for the affair and they think poor MM. Whatever, ya it wasn't right to do but we did it and it's done and now we all have to move on. Work used to be a place for me to get a break and now it's not. I'm going away for 3 days and I can't wait to go. Someone tell me he is paying miserably. How could he have cared so much for me at one time and now I'm goin thru this and he doesn't call or text or anything. He cared so much that he used to call my cell when I was travelling and when I didn't answer he would pace back and forth until he finally got me and then said how scared he was to not get me on my cell when I was on the road. I would feel guilty b/c he couldn't reach me. I bought a new phone!! I'm really losing my mind now, it's official. My grandmother used to say, if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger but I think this one is going to do me in. I can't even cry right now even though I am that mad b/c my 75 y/o father is with me and doesn't understand being upset about him at all.

Thanks for listening.
LilRocket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 6:38pm
Well, how bout this? I dressed today in something that I know he likes. At one time, he told me which shirts of mine he likes. I also went out to his truck to talk to him today about something that was going on at work. He didn't make any advances. He's already made it clear that things are over, so why am I essentially still trying to chase him? UGH!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 7:46pm
I want to know why and how we move on. Ok, I'm trying the NC but until I know he is suffering like I am I don't think I will rest. Those are the words of a mad woman right? I thought so..........................
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:05pm

Lilrocket + Txfallon, in your posts on this thread you've both wondered why you continue to feel what you're feeling in the context of your FORMER affair partners' thinking and reactions.


TXfallon, does it really matter any more what clothes you wear except those YOU like?


Lilrocket, does it really matter what level of "suffering" xMM is experiencing as a means to somehow even up what you're going through?


My answer to both of these questions and scenarios is a resounding loud NO!!!


What matters is Y.O.U. not your xMM. YOU are the focus of your own life. No amount of outside affirmation or evening of pain will ever match your own sense of satisfaction with yourselves.


You want to move on?


Remain focused on yourself and the heck with whatever xMM ever thinks about anything in the world again. He's out of yours and you're better for it......


When THAT is your attitude I assure you that you will KNOW you have moved on....


and thensome.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:23pm
My life was about him for so long that I don't know how to focus on me. I monitored myself every day for him, be there when the phone rung so he wouldn't think I was with someone else (usually he thought it was his best friend and partner at work) which is stupid. His friend and I have been friends for years but not anything more any more. That was done many many years ago. Anyway, I don't know how to change this around to it being about me. I really don't know. How did others do it? I know silence is hurtful b/c he's not texting me back or calling me and tonight I guessed his new email and I added it to my list of contacts. I told his W about some of the other women so he would suffer and it's not enough. He's off for another month but I want to know it's b/c he's miserable.
Is that an attitude you practice until its real?
I want to sleep so I don't feel this horrible pain any more. I want it to stop and i don't care how it stops!!!!!!!!!!
LilRocket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:39pm

"My life was about him for so long that I don't know how to focus on me."


Lil, if xMM was dead and in the ground right now you would have no alternative than to focus on yourself no matter what you did in the past, right?


So bury the affair.


"I want to sleep so I don't feel this horrible pain any more. I want it to stop and i don't care how it stops!!!!!!!!!!"


I think you want to to stop in a manner that you can hold your head up and know that you count, what you had counted and what you want from life going forward counts. That's what I think. Why do I think that? Because when my affairs endned I wanted to feel that the time I had spent in them made sense and that I had not wasted the time on nothing. So I focused on what I had learned from the experience and how I could put it to better use in my life going forward. Since I chose to limit my learning focus, I continued the pattern of affairs for 17 years.


Once I ended the denial part of my justification for affair participation, my need stopped. So did my marriage. For the entire time you were in your affair you justified your continued limited relationship to yourself. You know what reasons you used. I don't.


If and when you want this current pain to stop, you will have to accept that you have value without anyone else's confirmation or permission. You will have to become as strident in asserting the goodness that dwells within you to all that will listen as you have been in lamenting your participation in a dead end relationship. In other words, YOU hold the key to ensuring the world knows YOU COUNT.


AND you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness by a partner who is willing to share his entire life with you rather than feed you a line of BS to convince you that you're only worth the crumbs he leaves for you.


You know that you deserve nothing less than full attention in an above board out in the open anyone can watch you kiss anywhere you want relationship.


Look forward with THAT as your mantra and all those pains will fade to black promptly....


BTDT.


cl-nre




Edited 3/9/2005 9:46 pm ET ET by cl-noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:50pm

"HELL HAS NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED", oh so true and rocket that is were your at right now, it is easier for a woman if she does the dumping but it did not happen that way, all you can do is accept it and when your ready be about the job of finding yourself a REAL MAN who wants to love a little spit fire like you.

Free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:26pm
I miss him so bad that it hurts in my chest. I'm about to go to bed and I am hurt that he never called me or texted me when I am so low. Normally when he loved me he would have called right away to see if I were ok. How did that change like it did? Can that care and love change over night? Is that what he is trying to change by not contacting me, he wants to not love and care for me so out of sight out of mind? I remember lying in his arms and feeling better than if I had won the largest lottery. He told me that he was happy for the first time in his life. Was that just crap? He wasn't on stress leave when we were together but 2 wks after he leaves me then he goes on leave. Why can't he see how we were happy, the exW would have let go after a while. he still had his son. We fit. I'm not dreaming it, we did, we fit.
bury the affair, I don't know how. I want to require more of myself and be someone with integrity but I have no idea where I left mine. I guess it was over 2 years ago when I really finally realized that he was as attracted to me as I was with him. He had been for a couple of years and had made advances that I shot down b/c I didn't want to get in with a married man. Integrity went out the door and in came the married man. The first time we were together it felt so so right. Why oh why? This is hell on earth I swear.
If I had the guts I would end this pain but I'm such a chicken.
LilRocket