I just want to forget

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
I just want to forget
6
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 10:58pm

Hello Ladies,

I've been lurking for about a week now. Didn't really think I'd actually ever post. But here I am. I'm having a moment.

I am not ready to get in to the whole story, but I'm now 3 weeks NC. The affair lasted almost 4 years.

I never had a D-Day. I know, I'm lucky (for now, I know that it could still happen). I'm really very blessed with an H who adores me and two beautiful, smart children who have no clue what their mother was up to for so long. I even have a great job that I enjoy going to every day.

The lying is over. The hiding my cell phone is over. The waiting for that next stolen hour or two is over. He has moved on. He's not giving me a second thought.

So why then, are things so hard for me? I try so hard all day long to stay focused on all of the wonderful things in my life. Most of the time I can do it, and I'm okay. But every now and then, I remember, oh yeah, it's really over this time, he has someone new, and it hurts. I go days without shedding a tear, and then all of a sudden, I'm sobbing over the thought that maybe he doesn't love me, maybe he never did.

So yeah, I just want to forget.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 11:27pm

Welcome Angel!

I apologize if I am wrong - but is this the same Angel I remember a couple years ago (or even last year) from MAS?

Either way, CONGRATS on making this difficult decision! You have the made the right choice. Trust me, its not going to be an easy ride...but its going to be healthier and less anxiety ride. I'm almost 5 months NC and I still have moments. What helps me is knowing that sometimes we have to make difficult choices; whether we want to or not, but these choices we need to make to move forward. I think of great leaders who had to sacrafice and make difficult choices (I know, these are not as difficult, but to us individuals they are)... hang in there... moments come and go. The key is to distract yourself with activity. Get out there and do something that will occupy your mind.

God bless

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.



Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 12:58am

Hi Angel,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 7:33am

Welcome to Endings, XFAX, and congrats on the one week of NC. As far as just being able to forget, it's not going to happen for quite sometime, honey. Ending is a process and you will be going through several stages in your healing from this self esteem annihilator. Have you visited our Healing Library yet? Be sure to read the stages of grief so you will get a better understanding. Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while, and we here at Endings want to help ease

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 8:54am

Hi Angel-


Welcome to EAS and congrats on ending your A. All of us here have wished we could forget at one point in this journey, but unfortunately that is not possible. What is possible is to take this opportunity to reinvent yourself. Get to the root of your issues and work on healing yourself to become a better, more complete person. We were all missing something, and we can help you explore what that is for you. It is a rough road ahead, but with each day of NC you get under your belt, the light at the end of the tunnel will get closer. On day 92, I woke up and knew that I had turned a corner. The minute-by-minute struggle to cope was gone. It happens at different times for all of us, so don't get frustrated. Each day on this journey is a new opportunity to reinvent yourself. So, ride the waves of emotion, come here often to read or post, and make sure you read EVERYTHING in the healing garden. It will save your life.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 10:07am

Thank you for responding and for the warm welcome!


This is my first time posting on message boards.


xAP moved away to a different state six months ago, so I have not seen him since then. However, he promised that it would only be for 6 months and that he'd come back, and that he'd never leave me again.


Most of me doesn't even want him back. Believe me, I remember all of the bad, all of the disappointments, all of the hurt and the tears from the last 4 years. I think I am mourning the loss of my fantasy - we could have NEVER had what I stupidly hoped for and wished for.


So, he is out of sight, there has been absolutely no contact for three weeks now. I am just waiting for the "out of mind" part.


-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 10:14am

Hi Liberty,


Thanks so much for your understanding. I'm trying really hard to be strong, and I have to say that most of the time I am successful. I also want to mention that in the last three weeks (since NC began), I have spent some wonderful times with my children where I was 100% focused on them, and not wondering if my cell phone might ring. I got so tired of lying to them when they'd ask me "who was that that called, Mom?". It is a relief to not have that stress anymore.


I just wish that I could stop thinking