I just want to know

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
I just want to know
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 7:46am

I know everyone on here is going to say that it doesnt matter what the reason is... but it doesnt take away the fact that I want to know.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 8:31am
lap, your post is not annoying. Many of us are left with unanswered questions. We scramble round and round looking for the answer to fit. To make it ok. The thing is, even if one answer was known, it would lead to another and another. The xap is not available to us so we have to come up with answers on our own. I am trying to reach a point where the answer for me is: it doesn't matter. Because really, it doesn't. We are done with that R. Do you trust that xap to answer you with honestly and compassion should he entertain your questions??

I've come to realize my xap did care about me, but it was an A. It had an expiration date. It's over.

Moving on today, and I hope you can move a bit too!

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 8:39am

Oh, I am sure you will hear from him.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 8:58am
Morning Lap,
Good for you posting here instead of writing him an email. This is never annoying. We are just so thankful you came here to post. Sometimes it does help to write things down, even things you might say to him (just don't hit "send"!!) RBM and Gypsy have given you excellent food for thought. Support will come from this board, we all can give it to you in our own ways, but when it comes to real answers for this shiz, you have to look inside of YOU. Part of the withdrawal symptoms of ending our A-habit is questioning..."does he care? Does he miss me? Didn't I mean anything to him? Why can't we still be friends?" normal, normal questions. Go through them. Mull them over. Like Gypsy said, she has come to realize that her xap did care, but reality was, it was an A. And she is letting that go now. Healthier habits in RL are replacing the very damaging ones that she had in the A-hole.
Lap, you do not really want to go back down into the A-hole. You want to get better. That is why you are reaching out to us for support. It will be a long day. You didn't get any sleep, sweetie. Please take care of yourself. This stuff gets better. I promise it does. One day at a time. Come here often...we are here for YOU.

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 8:59am

Hi Lap,

When my A ended I had a lot of questions too, I think we all do. I did send xAP a letter with my questions-I

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 9:21am

((hugs)) lap.

jerseygirl put very well into words the way i have chosen to think about my A and its ending and make peace with it. i often tell myself he really did care, but he made a choice, the dignified one. i believe it was hard for him and he misses (or at least missed) me because we did share something. but, it was an A, it had to end...

it is true that answered questions will bring about more questions. at this point it is better not to ask. what if you don't hear what you 'want' to hear or what if you are left needing more answers?

i received an email after one of our attempted endings that was about as closing as it gets - sweetly written, regretful over having to end, feeling sad about our timing in life and having to give it up, but he has to do what he needs to do for me and him, etc etc. and i still couldn't leave it be because what do you think happened? i thought well, he is surely making a mistake if he feels this sad! so i reeled him back in with my fish hook and prolonged the ending a while more.

i know that you want to know and i feel your heartache, i see myself in your words. i still want to know! oh, and after i resisted his closure email and continued the A - he/we tried to end AGAIN - and i still had to go for that 'one last meeting' to talk it over. once again - he was wonderful, sweet, sorry, said all the right things to make me feel that i mattered and STILL i did not let go and i kept fishing and making it worse for us both! he finally did me the ultimate favor and just stopped replying to me. there was/is nothing more to say. he said it all yet i wanted more.

When he was sweet and made me feel cared for and that i would be missed, it wasn't good enough because i thought 'then why are we forcing ourselves apart?"

When he was firm and colder, i just wanted him to go back to mushy and sad about it!

There is never closure, it just has to end and in time, you will realize that there is nothing more you need to hear from him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 9:50am

You are all right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 10:35am

It is such a struggle to want answers you know you can't get. To desire something you know would not work in RL. It is just such mental and emotional confusion, isn't it? Makes it very hard to move on because there is still something you want. But then you know it can't be provided, and you commit to letting go, but then you feel that desire, and hang on to something...it goes around and around.
The only thing I know that works is zero contact and the passage of time. I still miss and wonder and imagine additional conversations and picture that email coming in from him one day, so I just 'know' he thinks of me. The logical side of me knows it won't come (and that it better not come!) The emotional side of me still desires it, so it's a continued struggle.

You say '1 last fix' but you hopefully had the last fix already. 1 more fix will create the desire for 1 more and 1 more. You are already distancing from the last fix you did have, and 1 more will bring you right back to where you started. You are much better where you are now and continuing to create distance from that last 'fix' that you did have - one more would not t fix anything. Hugs..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 5:37pm
I finally figured out not that long ago that xAP can not give me what I need. He couldn't give it to me during the A. He couldn't give it to me at the end of the A. And he couldn't give it to me when we were "trying to be best friends again" a few months ago.

There were so many things I wanted to know. I have finally realized that even if I asked and he told me, there will be ever more questions.

I am moving on from this brutally painful chapter in my life. I don't need him and I don't need his "answers" to all my "whys".

He was my friend for many years and we f*cked it up. We are never going to be friends again. I don't trust him. I don't like who he was when we were in the A. Selfish and self protective. I don't like who I was in the A. Needy neurotic.

So, since we are never to be friends again, I don't need.thise.answers any more.

You *will* ger past.the.stage you are.at now. I.promise. You don't need his.answers. And you won't get.them anyway.

much love and.strength to.you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 5:39pm
Grrrr, typose. Hate posting.from my phone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 6:18pm

It's not annoying...it's quite natural to wonder these things. The problem is that there is never any way of knowing, so to agonize over them is a waste of time and energy and sheer torture...and prevents you from moving forward and working on why you engaged in an affair.