I just want to say...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
I just want to say...
7
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 7:32pm

I just want to say that I am so psyched! Another day and I have not contacted OM and it was not a terrible day. It makes me realize what I enjoy about my life/days when there are certain things I derive satisfaction from. I wish things did not seem so "chorey" with my H. He comes home, eats the prepared meal and wooosh -leaves for a Boyscout meeting. He is very commited and I am thankful for that but...where is the fun?

If I can find certain things outside the home that I enjoy why is it that I feel stifeled(sp?) when my H is around? I definitely feel more free around my OM to be "me" without judgement. Is this something anyone here can relate to? Is it just that raising kids can be monotomous(sp?)? My parents who have been married forever tell me just to stick with it. Eventually I'll calm down and once the bills and kids are less demanding things will feel good again. Is this true? I wish A were not so complicated as it does seem to ease the "pain" of certain life situations(NO I will not contact OM just because I feel that way), I am just confused. I know that contacting OM will only be a temporary easement and I am not afraid of facing my problems.

Can anyone tell me their perspective on what can make a marriage feel complete again or at least give me hope for a future where there will be some kind of fun with this person other than doing the dishes and paying bills? Is it legitimate to divorce a person because you (and I've tried hard, hard, hard) do not feel a genuine connection or is this all in my head and the connection is the house, the kids and what we have created as a couple?

If we can successfully cut ourselves off from an intimate and deep relationship with our other person what makes this cutting off from marriage any different? Is it harder on our wallets and children so we deny ourselves the satisfaction of leaving or is there something else? This is my struggle right now. I am confused about what love is - the meaning of man-woman love.

Thanks. This board has been a life saver :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:05pm

Believe

Listen to your parents they know what there talking about.

When your doing the Kids and the bills everyday it gets hard to put the time and energy into your relationship with your spouse so you lose that connected feeling but when the kids get older and don't want you around so much you will have more time and energy to put into your marriage relationship and the connection gets rebuilt based on a lot of shared history.

That free feeling with the OM is natural enough because it is a relationship with no real substance or expectations, it is nine tenths fantasy so you can be whoever you want to be in it.

Ending a marriage is fare more difficult then you think even a bad one and you don't seem to have a bad one, the emotions in ending a marriage are completely different from ending a A or bf/gf type relationship... it is MUCH MUCH harder then you think and the emotional fallout will linger longer.

In my opinion your not going through anything that every other marriage with kids and a mortage goes through... it's real life not fantasy like an affair.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:48pm

Hi

I can relate to how you feel. I think part of the reason I got so wrapped and dependent on my MM was b/c i went from being a full time, career woman, grad student to a stay home mom. i LOVE being able to be home with my DD but it isnt always the most exciting life. I agree that cooking and cleaning for DD and H can seem "chorey". But I have been trying to take some comfort in that.. like I AM someones wife and mom and not just someone's MW. Does that make sense?? ANd as far as making the M more exciting. During the first few days of NC i just got thru it and did the motions but little by little (I do mean little) i am finding my life to seem more like me again. I just wish I could stop thinking about MM so much. I am wondering if that gets easier b/c I still have a strong desire to talk to him and keeping the NC is still work.

But keep doing what your are doing..as everyone says..celebrate the small successes!




Edited 1/31/2005 9:17 pm ET ET by capnmit
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:07pm

Hiya Believe,

<<>>

I'm certain it was either Id or True who originally posted this excerpt here, but I had to root around to find it where someone else had posted it elsewhere. I've no link for it, but much should become clear insofar as what constitutes a healthy love relationship as you read it:-

From "Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls" by Robert Burney

"True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Unfortunately the type of love most of us learned about as children is in fact an addiction, a form of toxic love. "I can't smile without you," "I can't live without you," "Someday my prince/princess will come" are not healthy messages. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love

Love: Development of self first priority.
Toxic love: Obsession with relationship.

Love: Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love: Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love - may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness.

Love: Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love: Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

Love: Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love: Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

Love: Appropriate Trust (trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love: Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

Love: Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love: Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

Love: Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love: Trying to change other to own image.

Love: Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love: Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

Love: Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love: Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

Love: Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love: Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

Love: Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love: Pressure around sex due to fear, insecurity & need for immediate gratification.

Love: Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love: Unable to endure separation; clinging.

Love: Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love: Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is very wrong."

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:10pm
Thanks for your words. Reading your input makes a big difference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 3:32pm
Hi,
This is the first message board I've ever looked at. I can completely relate to your situation. And I have no one I can talk to who would understand and not judge me or my decisions. I am 27 years old I have been married for 8 yrs and I have 3 children and I am completely bored... I feel so trapped. Last year I had an affair that I totally used as my escape from daily life. I have now cut off communication with the OM and I have even moved out of state (for other reasons) But I can't stop thinking about him. My husband doesn't know anything about it. But I'm missing the OM soooo much. But somehow I still love my husband. Is that possible. I could never leave my husband for the OM, he wouldnt be good for my children or me. But somehow when I was with him I felt so young and free. I think I miss that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:36pm
Thanks again for all your insights and thoughts. Well... OM contacted me today and yes, I did answer. He is on a vacation with his family and said it has been the worst vacation ever, ever! He has had no sleep because of my NC. He went on and on about us being together one day. Well.... stupid me! Now we have talked and he still has another week there. I get it now... if I answer the telephone I get sucked into the "trap", planning dates, hearing those three words and all of that stuff which detracts me from working on my relationship at home. I get it now on a different level then I have before. I just wish this relationship were rational. That is not an excuse as I am going to keep trying to createa marriage with my H that is fun again. Thanks again to all who have replied - it means so much to me. I will not stop trying I am just a slow learner :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:44pm
Sarieinrain,
Hi girl! I also am 27, have 1 child and have just ended a 1 1/2 yr affair with a single man I used to work with. I know wxactly how you are feeling, it's hard to go back to the way your life used to be when you just want to start this whole new exciting life. It must be hard that you have moved somewhere new also. I don't really still have many feelings for my xOM, but I still miss the excitement of the A. It was a such a thrill to be someone else for awhile. If you ever need to or just want to talk to someone, i'd love to listen.
Take care!
~nuttmeg