I justified my behavior/NC stopped it
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| Wed, 06-02-2010 - 8:21pm |
Hello all,
I been gone cuz I got this new job, it is really easy, but really boring and I miss the board sooooo much. I can read your posts there but do not feel comfortable logging in and posting. Plus, I am so bored and busy...I miss EAS.
I did want to say hello to all. Tell everyone they are missed, encourage NC. I also wanted to share a lesson learned. I am 6 months NC...a good six months. Lonely at times but ok. Here it goes...
I justified this affair after I knew he was M. I would justify it to myself. I was utterly delusional. I would tell myself he came after me. He calls me. He emails me. He texts me. He comes to my house. He sleeps over here. He wants me. She is a road block. I let it continue and I said it was all because he initiated everything. When his W asked me about outgoing calls, I told her those were outgoing calls and that she needed to take that up with him. I felt so empowered. What an idiot I was. I thought I had one up on her...LOL!! What a blistering fool. Talk about denial. Talk about fog. He told me she felt threatened by me. He told me that he admitted to me that he was in love with me. I am so sure that was a lie. But that is how I was motivated. Even after I knew this man was a known liar, I loved hearing him lie to me more.
SO foolish. I used to ashamed of these acts. Now I have forgiven myself. And in my own way see all the mistakes I made. They are so far away. I think of him maybe once daily. Thoughts are not of me pining. Its more like self examination and all that he taught me from dealing with him. The self worth I now have. The love I have for me. How I make me happy and make me a priority. I have been free from my phone and email for a while too...SO LIBERATING.
This has been a ride, but my storms have long past. I have not even had a low day in a whole...knock on wood, cross my fingers and all that. I won me back. I am so happy. I am lookung forward to a blissful summer and hope to have fun and even travel. Good things are ahead newbies. Maintain newbies. Maintain NC. I swear its a beautiful thing.
Breaking NC is no good....EVER. I do not care if you find out that exAP's child has been kidnapped and you see her/his pic on that show with the blond annoying CNN show....I do not like her....I do not care if his mom or dad pass away. NO, no reason to break NC. None. This may seem harsh and some may disagree...BUT no good can come from it. No questions that can be answered, no closure, no one last embrace....that's all BS.
I would never been able to learn the lesson that I had duped myself into believing I was justified in my behavior P or no P. I justified things so that I could get my fix just like a crack head who steals from his own momma. And I had the nerve to be bold to her, try to hurt W. I should have said sorry and begged for forgiveness.
NC stops this. Stops it dead in its tracks. Makes you see your A for what it is. Nothing. A utter waste. A hurtful one at that.
So many have broke NC as of late....saddens me, hope this passes and we get to all be the enders we are all capable of being.
Hey anyone know how to post a pic, I tried under my profile setting...no luck, I am feeling bold. I figure I can always take it down. But I shine and I wanna share with you ladies my smile and the spirit and happiness that is back in my eyes...plus its liberating when the shame is gone.
Besos to all
Luvin
Edited 6/2/2010 8:32 pm ET by luvinmeforever10

Hi Luv,
Muchos besos ;-)
I have been free from my phone and email for a while too...SO LIBERATING.
Very true.
Liberty,
Thanks for the response. Please, if u get a moment, read some of my old posts. I am all about the actual good things out of my A. I am better than I was before it. I make good healthy decisions.
When I say a waste, I mean the delusional thinking n the time I took away from things that really mattered. My A has forced me to confront deep rooted issues. Very deep things. So all n all I am happy about where I am. Wish I could have taken a different route, but i have taken it n learned my own strength n forced myself to learn n grow. Nothing is what it was. But we all think it's so special n all that soul mate crap...when in the end it's nothing of the sort.
Thanks for the support.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Gosh Luv,
I've run out of my foreign language subject recall, hahaha.
Hi Luvin,
I was certainly guilty of putting a lot of time and energy into something and someone who never deserved it but yes I’ve grown from it and have learned so much about myself!
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.