THIS I KNOW!!!
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THIS I KNOW!!!
| Wed, 08-04-2010 - 3:04pm |
That it is easier to be the dumper in an A, as opposed to the dumpee.
That it is empowering to be the one to say "Im done", regardless of the venue for doing or saying it.
That I would rather have heard him say what he did..."I respect you...at least one of us has the guts to do the right thing." Rather than what I would have said/done if the shoe had been on the other foot.
That if you are thinking about quitting, be the quitter. It is going to end. Eventually. But definitely. That it is rather high-handed of me to be giving advice to anyone, since it's only been 5 days of NC for me.
But, this I know.....I have taken the control from him, and the power is in my hands.
That it is empowering to be the one to say "Im done", regardless of the venue for doing or saying it.
That I would rather have heard him say what he did..."I respect you...at least one of us has the guts to do the right thing." Rather than what I would have said/done if the shoe had been on the other foot.
That if you are thinking about quitting, be the quitter. It is going to end. Eventually. But definitely. That it is rather high-handed of me to be giving advice to anyone, since it's only been 5 days of NC for me.
But, this I know.....I have taken the control from him, and the power is in my hands.

Em -
"Easier" being a relative term. It might seem a little easier at first, because if you are the one making the decision to end it, you have the benefit of knowing it's coming. I've been on both ends of the dumping several times over the past 7.5 years and regardless of who does the dirty work, it still hurts. I'm glad you are feeling more in control - it's a good feeling, isn't it? Hang onto that :)
Bodhi
There is nothing easy about any of it. It all hurts. But, I know the frantic feeling of being dumped, and in my world, this is ALOT easier. Or less painful. Of course, here I sit, it's 3 p.m., and I'm still in my jammies.
Life goes on. I refuse to let him or the past 7 years define my life.
I have to keep telling myself that.
If you're in your jammies, I sure hope you at least have bowl of popcorn and a good movie :)
<<>>
For sure - and a better life at that. I'm feeling the weight of the world right now, not because of XAP, but because I have a wonderful, incredible 17-year-old that has some self-esteem issues. I've been reflecting on our morning, and seeing the similarities of what he is going through and feeling and what we all have felt. He doesn't drink or do drugs, he is an A/B student, and has an incredible girlfriend. He's a very talented artist and musician. We live in a lovely house, and even with my f-ed up personal life, I've always been there for my kids.
Like all of us, on the surface, he has no reason to be unhappy. But yet he is. Now that I'm getting out of the fog, I'm looking under the surface to figure out what is "wrong" with me. I'm using quite a bit that I've learned here with my son. We've talked about triggers and taking things a minute at a time when we are feeling down.
The mind works in mysterious ways. It is definitely something we need to train. I have always studied and read a lot about Buddhism and mindfulness. Peace and calming your mind and thoughts is a very difficult thing to master. I'm finding it's a lot easier without a negative force sucking the life out of you though.
Bodhi
I'm sorry your heart is heavy!! My favorite saying is, "a mother is only as happy as her least happy child."
But, worries and anxieties over our children help put our screwed up personal lives in perspective.
One of my biggest reasons for leaving this mess was because of the shock and hurt and disappointment it would cause my children, if they knew. And the lying. I often wonder how much I neglected them during the last 7 years. Even though they are grown, married, on their own, I know there were times I turned my back on them for something I justified as " I deserve to have my own life."
...no movie, no popcorn, I have the luxury of working in what I wake up in. Not a good habit, but, today it felt right.
Your son sounds like mine!! Fortunately he outgrew most of his issues....my daughter was the squeaky wheel, and I have felt too much emphasis was placed on her emotional state, rather than my son.
He just rolled with the punches, and because he wasn't as vocal as my daughter, I always thought he was just compliant. Those angst ridden teen years!!! But I have to tell you....even when they are grown, and on their own, they still need words of affirmation from their moms. I make a point every time I talk to my son or daughter to tell them how proud I am of them.
I sound like a saint.
I'm not.
good luck with your son. Tell him how wonderful he is.
Thanks Em :)
Your saying is perfect - how true that is. Teens wear you out, even when you don't have an alternative life to deal with.
Your daughter definitely sounds like mine too - she's a girl that knows what she wants and isn't afraid to tell you. Being younger, she's gotten a lot of attention. I think it's hard on my son because everything comes easy for her too.
I didn't mean to get your original post off-track - sorry about that :)
Bodhi
I don't think I know much about it. Or maybe I should go back to my first post a few days ago.
Are you married? Were you married during that time? How long have you been on this path.
Please tell me for a year or something, and life is a breeze now:)
I can't remember what I first posted to you. I just know that we both had a lot of time logged in! I am single now, but was married at the time I met XAP. I've been D for about 6 years now (with XAP for 7.5). I ended things with my H after only about a year into my A. The D was fairly quick - only about 6 months start to finish. We never had a D-Day. H just accepted that I wasn't happy and never fought it.
This is actually only week 6 of NC for me. I wish I could say life is a breeze, but not yet. I'm doing a LOT of hard work. I have resolve that I've never had before, and I think that is the key. XAP is a little bit of a stalker - he hasn't tried to contact me, but he drives by my house and office (still). It's very unsettling because I still feel like he's watching me and has a "hold" on me. I actually dodged a potential bullet this week - a golf outing that I was supposed to play in on Friday has been rescheduled until the end of the month - thank God, because there was a chance he might have been there. I planned on skipping the dinner if he was, to keep myself out of harm's way - plus I also know that he would have watched me like a hawk and made me very uncomfortable.
I don't want the life I had the beginning of June. I have a lot of ups and downs, but it's an honest life and that makes me feel good. I tried it on my own many times. I'm thankful EVERY day for EAS and everyone's support here :)
Bodhi
The support on this board has been invaluable. It's much easier to open up here than it has been with the one friend I have been able to talk to, or to my sisters. I suppose it's the fact that no one knows me, or will judge.
I don't know if it was on here, or I read it somewhere else..."the pain of leaving is far less than the pain of staying." After 7 years, it's hard to imagine my life without the chaos. I honestly wonder what it will be like. There has certainly been resolve the last few days, but, I would be lying if I said all was well, and I'm over it. I have been reading books and articles for as long as I can remember about A's. I'm just so tired of dealing with all of it.
I mentally added up the time over the last 7 years I spent with him. I figured it was a total of 4 solid months. Would I put up with this crap if this person was single? If a single man had treated me such a way, i.e. bailing at the last minute, not returning emails, phone calls, whatever...I would have kicked him to the curb, pronto. Why did I think he was such a prize. Was it because I knew I couldn't have hm? Would I base the rest of my life on a relationship that was 4 months old? And with a liar and a cheater.
That being said, I know I am rambling. Positive. I will be positive.
I want you to stick with it! I need for you to. 7 years is a big chunk of our lives. We won't get it back.
You are inspiring me to continue. I know that must be a great weight for you to carry, but I'm sure you're up to it.
I'm going tomorrow to hold my new granddaughter all day. And be needed by my daughter, a new young mother. And visit with my sister, and my niece, and my great nephew. And go see my elderly mother. And I'm going to do all that knowing that I am in fact a good, honest, decent woman, who isn't trying to figure out excuses and lies for her weekend plans.
I get sorta wordy late in the day:)