I know it's over but....
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I know it's over but....
| Fri, 08-06-2010 - 3:22pm |
I had a 4 month very intense physical and emotional affair with a single man. We ended it last week, sort of, I think. He wanted time and was having a "moral conflict"...I have not contacted him since, nor has he contacted me, and I think he may be testing the waters with someone. I am missing him terribly but will not contact him, so why do I even care if he thinks about me at all? My husband travels extensively for his job and my kids are older. It never felt like cheating, I would just leave and drive the hour to his home. Even though I know I shouldn't wonder what he thinks, I cannot help it. We were in his home, his bed, his everything. I feel like I am crazy. I won't contact him, I am just praying he does not contact me...I am trying to take my energy and pour it into my husband, when I think of the other, I call my husband. We weren't caught, and I am not going to tell...but I am scared because the feelings were deep and strong.

Mayday,
First, I would like to welcome you to EAS. An affair, no matter how short or long it lasted, will affect us on many levels. Being that he is S, he has probably realized that pursuing a MW is a dead end street, not to mention that his "moral conflict" could play into that too. Some men finally figure it out that messing around with another man's W is just plain wrong.
<< I am missing him terribly but will not contact him, so why do I even care if he thinks about me at all?>>
It's perfectly normal to wonder what he thought of you. You want to know that you meant something to him, and I am sure you did, for what it's worth. Affairs are very limiting, and not living and breathing out in the daylight with someone you care about does weigh heavy on us after a while.
It is wise to redirect your energies back to H, and although it's going to take some time before XAP is out of your system, the more you reinvest in your M, the easier it will be to get your life back on track.
Continue to read the threads here, dive into the Healing Library and absorb as much as you can, especially the tips for NC, and how to curb those obsessive thoughts that will plague you for a while. Like any ending, you will have to grieve what you "thought" it was and start to accept it for what it "really" was.
(((Hugs)))
~Iddy~
hello May
My ex ap was also single.. he suffered from dreadful guilt trips.....funnily it wasnt while i was in his bed but shortly after leaving..!!
But tbh it doesnt matter really if they are married, single, engaged - you are like me married and therefore you know its wrong but at the same time feels so right. I do know how you feel,I felt it too and I feel for you right now.
Pls do what I DIDNT do and thats get out now and start healing and dealing with it. I carried on back and forth for 4 yrs on and off.... if I had stopped after the first no contact I would have been home and dry by now.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and be honest.. if its over let it be over becos anything else just causing you and everyone else close to you more pain, if they know or not.... becos you are not fully there with them.. so it affects a lot of ppl
It is hard and it is painful but it is do-able. xxx
Post here and read , read , read ..
wishing you all the best
Sunbeam
Hi Mayday
I could not agree more with Iddy.
Hi May,
Welcome to the board!
My xAP was also S. We drug things out for 4 years. I'd like to say that we "were in love" but I was so blinded by my fantasy of this man, who really knows. I created a fantasy life with this person, and expected that one day we'd be together in real life. Needless to say, the fantasy fell apart, and he moved on to find someone else who wasn't M, and my heart was shattered. The pain was was more real than the fantasy I had dreamed up, but I survived, and have begun the healing process.
It's been 8 months since I've seen him, 4 months NC. It hasn't been easy, but I have re-dedicated myself to my children and to trying to make my marriage work.
I also never had a Dday and hope and pray that I never do.
Please walk away from this now. The longer you hang on, the thicker the fog of the A gets, and the harder it is to let go.
-Angel
Welcome Mayday :)
<<>>
Most of the time, they do. Hopefully he won't in your case, since he is single he has probably realized that there is no future with the two of you. I can give you the point of view from his perspective - I'm the single one. I wish that my XAP and I would have ended things after only 4 months and that he would have just let me go. After 7.5 years I was still the one who ended it. He'd be eating the cake right now if I let him. So try not to worry about your XAP and what he is doing. He's going to make mistakes, but his life isn't connected to yours. Focus on yourself and your H. I'm glad you've stopped crying :) I've cried with my dog many, many times. Talked to him while doing it too....
Bodhi
Mayday -
You're on the right track - keep reading and post when you need to.
<<<>>
Great realization!!
Bodhi