I know it's over but....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
I know it's over but....
8
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 3:22pm
I had a 4 month very intense physical and emotional affair with a single man. We ended it last week, sort of, I think. He wanted time and was having a "moral conflict"...I have not contacted him since, nor has he contacted me, and I think he may be testing the waters with someone. I am missing him terribly but will not contact him, so why do I even care if he thinks about me at all? My husband travels extensively for his job and my kids are older. It never felt like cheating, I would just leave and drive the hour to his home. Even though I know I shouldn't wonder what he thinks, I cannot help it. We were in his home, his bed, his everything. I feel like I am crazy. I won't contact him, I am just praying he does not contact me...I am trying to take my energy and pour it into my husband, when I think of the other, I call my husband. We weren't caught, and I am not going to tell...but I am scared because the feelings were deep and strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 5:45pm

Mayday,

First, I would like to welcome you to EAS. An affair, no matter how short or long it lasted, will affect us on many levels. Being that he is S, he has probably realized that pursuing a MW is a dead end street, not to mention that his "moral conflict" could play into that too. Some men finally figure it out that messing around with another man's W is just plain wrong.

<< I am missing him terribly but will not contact him, so why do I even care if he thinks about me at all?>>

It's perfectly normal to wonder what he thought of you. You want to know that you meant something to him, and I am sure you did, for what it's worth. Affairs are very limiting, and not living and breathing out in the daylight with someone you care about does weigh heavy on us after a while.

It is wise to redirect your energies back to H, and although it's going to take some time before XAP is out of your system, the more you reinvest in your M, the easier it will be to get your life back on track.

Continue to read the threads here, dive into the Healing Library and absorb as much as you can, especially the tips for NC, and how to curb those obsessive thoughts that will plague you for a while. Like any ending, you will have to grieve what you "thought" it was and start to accept it for what it "really" was.

(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 7:02pm

hello May


My ex ap was also single.. he suffered from dreadful guilt trips.....funnily it wasnt while i was in his bed but shortly after leaving..!!


But tbh it doesnt matter really if they are married, single, engaged - you are like me married and therefore you know its wrong but at the same time feels so right. I do know how you feel,I felt it too and I feel for you right now.


Pls do what I DIDNT do and thats get out now and start healing and dealing with it. I carried on back and forth for 4 yrs on and off.... if I had stopped after the first no contact I would have been home and dry by now.


Hindsight is a wonderful thing and be honest.. if its over let it be over becos anything else just causing you and everyone else close to you more pain, if they know or not.... becos you are not fully there with them.. so it affects a lot of ppl


It is hard and it is painful but it is do-able. xxx


Post here and read , read , read ..


wishing you all the best


Sunbeam

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 7:31pm

Hi Mayday


I could not agree more with Iddy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 7:58pm

Hi May,

Welcome to the board!

My xAP was also S. We drug things out for 4 years. I'd like to say that we "were in love" but I was so blinded by my fantasy of this man, who really knows. I created a fantasy life with this person, and expected that one day we'd be together in real life. Needless to say, the fantasy fell apart, and he moved on to find someone else who wasn't M, and my heart was shattered. The pain was was more real than the fantasy I had dreamed up, but I survived, and have begun the healing process.

It's been 8 months since I've seen him, 4 months NC. It hasn't been easy, but I have re-dedicated myself to my children and to trying to make my marriage work.

I also never had a Dday and hope and pray that I never do.

Please walk away from this now. The longer you hang on, the thicker the fog of the A gets, and the harder it is to let go.

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 10:10pm
Do they really try to come back or try to make contact? Ugh. It is such a twisted mix of feelings....I know who this other woman is and on one hand I am praying it works out because it will just be easier in the long run. On the other hand, the part of me that still cares for him wants to pick up the phone and say "what the heck are you doing" she is not the woman for you and you have known her for exactly 15 days and your fb status said you are in a relationship after we were apart 3, not that I am the one either, but the feelings were deep and strong, even though they were wrong. I think in his own way he loved me and probably still does and she is his cover, and I feel responsible for ruining his whatever....even though we both knew what we were getting into. Funny thing is that when we parted, he told me that he thinks he would hate my husband, wished that I was single so we could be more, and that he hoped I caught my husband screwing around on me. I knew I never would catch my husband in that postition, he is a good man and deserves a better wife. So then the part of me who is trying to get over him prays he just marries this woman...well, at least I stopped crying at NC day 5, I think I was scaring the dog.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 8:54am

Welcome Mayday :)

<<>>

Most of the time, they do. Hopefully he won't in your case, since he is single he has probably realized that there is no future with the two of you. I can give you the point of view from his perspective - I'm the single one. I wish that my XAP and I would have ended things after only 4 months and that he would have just let me go. After 7.5 years I was still the one who ended it. He'd be eating the cake right now if I let him. So try not to worry about your XAP and what he is doing. He's going to make mistakes, but his life isn't connected to yours. Focus on yourself and your H. I'm glad you've stopped crying :) I've cried with my dog many, many times. Talked to him while doing it too....

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 9:42am
Thank-you for the advice. I know you are absolutely right, I should not worry about his thoughts or actions. As I was re-reading, I realized that I had "wife" feelings for him. I did his laundry, dishes, ate dinner, watched the news, and we talked about life stuff. Maybe this is because I enjoy being the wife and my husband is not around a lot. I am not weepy anymore, I feel more conflicted, feeling more "if it is this, then why am I feeling that". I have been reading a know that these are all normal feelings for the situation and I am glad there are others out there who are sharing. This certainly is helpful in case he does make contact again....and now that I am thinking about it I have to be strong because he probably will. It is his nature and affair or not, there are just things we know about people after we have spent time with them....well, I am not flushing 22 years down the toilet for a single man and a weak moment that is really a blink of an eye in the big picture. Thank-you everyone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 10:04am

Mayday -

You're on the right track - keep reading and post when you need to.

<<<>>

Great realization!!

Bodhi