I know this man is bad for me - please confirm it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2011
I know this man is bad for me - please confirm it!
33
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 9:42am

Hi,

I put the following post on mumsnet and somebody recommended I post on here. Hoping for some advice and support, any help gratefully received.

"Firstly, what you are about to read is an account of incredibly stupid behaviour. Please don't judge me for it. I know that I've been daft, my confidence is at an all-time low and if people say horrible things to me on here it's just going to upset me.

I've had an affair. It went on for 9 months before finishing last week (he nominally finished it but I've seen him since (he's a close family friend and I can't avoid him), he was all flirty and I have the feeling he will try to...well, I suppose seduce is the word, me again, but in my mind it's over and that's why I need you guys to tell me why it's a waste of time, make me strong so that when he tries it on I can tell him where to go. Can't talk to any of my family or friends about this, they'd be horrified).

Really have got myself in a mess here. Leaving aside how I've betrayed my partner (a huge, huge thing, I know), it wasn't even particularly satisfying. It started just weeks after I had a major bereavement - that's no excuse but I think it's important for you to know I wasn't in a good frame of mind at the time. I had always been attracted to him, and suspected he was attracted to me, but I ignored it until then. The sex was the only good thing - the sex was, frankly, hot. But nothing else about it was good. We both recognised early on it couldn't go anywhere - I didn't want to break up my family (two children), our social circle would hate us. We would have sex then he would jump up, get dressed and quite often start talking about how guilty he felt. No cuddling, no kissing (before and during, but never after). I often felt used.

When we weren't having sex we were arguing. To cut a long story short, I think he criticised just about everything about me. Him getting angry, shouting, swearing at me and calling me names was a not infrequent occurrence. But then I'd see him again when he'd gotten over it and he'd be all smiley and look at me wth puppy-dog eyes...I tried to finish it four times, as in four times I said to him 'It's over, leave me alone', (and I thought about finishing it many more times), but my heart wasn't really in it and he knew it. The next time I'd see him and find nothing had changed. Now he has ended it (after an afternoon where we had an argument triggered by my buying him some milk and getting the wrong kind, followed by make-up sex, followed by another row triggered by I can't even remember what, I just remember him yelling at me), but like I say I think it's only a matter of time before he comes calling again.

I assume it goes without saying my relationship with my partner is not in a great state and wasn't before any of this happened. He is aware we have problems and agreed when I suggested we go to see a Relate counsellor. I don't know I can salvage things with my partner but am willing to give it a go for the sake of my DC. But I also don't know how to handle HIM, especially as I have to see him all the time. I think, in spite of his crappy behaviour towards me, he has feelings for me (he was adamant that he would never allow himself to develop any but I believe he did in spite of himself - after all, he let things go on for so long) and I know I have feelings for him. But his behaviour isn't going to change, is it? And my feelings will fade over time, won't they?

Please advise me but please be kind.

Apologies for the length of this post."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 10:17am
Hi,
I dont want to call you by your user name:) Alot of people make choices that in reflection are not good choices. Take the lessons from these choices and actions and apply healthy decisions for yourself so that you do not keep yourself stuck. Dig deep into what you know is the right path and use your inner strength to stop accepting bad behaviour from this man, look at this ending as a gift to take your life back. Keep reading.and.posting as there is.amazing support here:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 10:19am

First of all WELCOME!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 10:22am

Ah, Sweetie - nobody here is going to say horrid things to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 11:49am

I'm surprised you needed any kind of confirmation that this dude spells trouble. The writing must be all over your walls that this is a toxic relationship. You need to stay as far away from this JAM as you can.

You've been offered some great advice, so please take it. Read the Healing Library, especially the thread called, "How to Maintain LC at the workplace." Most of the tips would apply to any situation where an ender still has to see their XAP.

Read, post, vent, and make sure you check in here daily. You are very fragile right now and need as much support as you can get.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Welcome to EAS honey. I'm sorry for what you've been through and so glad you found our safe and healing community. You deserve so MUCH more from your life. Being yelled at for buying the wrong milk, having make-up sex, and then having another row?? Are you serious?? Not that his behaviour actually matters, because even if he was a perfect gentleman, this A is still a cancer which will rot your body from the inside out unless you get rid of it now.

You've got to find a way to get a wall of srafety between your family and this man. I don't care what sort of a "family friend" he is (and clearly he's not much of a friend to your family!), you need to stay out of his path - at least until you're feeling strong enough to maintain strict LC. If there's any risk of seeing him go for a walk, say you're not well, take a holiday. Whatever it takes.

You will get through this and we'll be here to support you every step of the way. Big hugs.

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010

Big (((hugs))) to you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011

I know it is difficult .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 10:10pm
Welcome! You will have good days and bad days... When times are rough come here :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 12:13am

Hi and Welcome!

Best place to find good counsel and encouragement in a safe non judging environment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2011

Thank you all so much.

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