I know this man is bad for me - please confirm it!
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| Wed, 05-11-2011 - 9:42am |
Hi,
I put the following post on mumsnet and somebody recommended I post on here. Hoping for some advice and support, any help gratefully received.
"Firstly, what you are about to read is an account of incredibly stupid
behaviour. Please don't judge me for it. I know that I've been daft, my
confidence is at an all-time low and if people say horrible things to me
on here it's just going to upset me.
I've had an affair. It
went on for 9 months before finishing last week (he nominally finished
it but I've seen him since (he's a close family friend and I can't avoid
him), he was all flirty and I have the feeling he will try to...well, I
suppose seduce is the word, me again, but in my mind it's over and
that's why I need you guys to tell me why it's a waste of time, make me
strong so that when he tries it on I can tell him where to go. Can't
talk to any of my family or friends about this, they'd be horrified).
Really
have got myself in a mess here. Leaving aside how I've betrayed my
partner (a huge, huge thing, I know), it wasn't even particularly
satisfying. It started just weeks after I had a major bereavement -
that's no excuse but I think it's important for you to know I wasn't in a
good frame of mind at the time. I had always been attracted to him, and
suspected he was attracted to me, but I ignored it until then. The sex
was the only good thing - the sex was, frankly, hot. But nothing else
about it was good. We both recognised early on it couldn't go anywhere -
I didn't want to break up my family (two children), our social circle
would hate us. We would have sex then he would jump up, get dressed and
quite often start talking about how guilty he felt. No cuddling, no
kissing (before and during, but never after). I often felt used.
When
we weren't having sex we were arguing. To cut a long story short, I
think he criticised just about everything about me. Him getting angry,
shouting, swearing at me and calling me names was a not infrequent
occurrence. But then I'd see him again when he'd gotten over it and he'd
be all smiley and look at me wth puppy-dog eyes...I tried to finish it
four times, as in four times I said to him 'It's over, leave me alone',
(and I thought about finishing it many more times), but my heart wasn't
really in it and he knew it. The next time I'd see him and find nothing
had changed. Now he has ended it (after an afternoon where we had an
argument triggered by my buying him some milk and getting the wrong
kind, followed by make-up sex, followed by another row triggered by I
can't even remember what, I just remember him yelling at me), but like I
say I think it's only a matter of time before he comes calling again.
I
assume it goes without saying my relationship with my partner is not in
a great state and wasn't before any of this happened. He is aware we
have problems and agreed when I suggested we go to see a Relate
counsellor. I don't know I can salvage things with my partner but am
willing to give it a go for the sake of my DC. But I also don't know how
to handle HIM, especially as I have to see him all the time. I think,
in spite of his crappy behaviour towards me, he has feelings for me (he
was adamant that he would never allow himself to develop any but I
believe he did in spite of himself - after all, he let things go on for
so long) and I know I have feelings for him. But his behaviour isn't
going to change, is it? And my feelings will fade over time, won't they?
Please advise me but please be kind.
Apologies for the length of this post."

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I dont want to call you by your user name:) Alot of people make choices that in reflection are not good choices. Take the lessons from these choices and actions and apply healthy decisions for yourself so that you do not keep yourself stuck. Dig deep into what you know is the right path and use your inner strength to stop accepting bad behaviour from this man, look at this ending as a gift to take your life back. Keep reading.and.posting as there is.amazing support here:)
First of all WELCOME!
Ah, Sweetie - nobody here is going to say horrid things to you.
I'm surprised you needed any kind of confirmation that this dude spells trouble. The writing must be all over your walls that this is a toxic relationship. You need to stay as far away from this JAM as you can.
You've been offered some great advice, so please take it. Read the Healing Library, especially the thread called, "How to Maintain LC at the workplace." Most of the tips would apply to any situation where an ender still has to see their XAP.
Read, post, vent, and make sure you check in here daily. You are very fragile right now and need as much support as you can get.
((Hugs))
You've got to find a way to get a wall of srafety between your family and this man. I don't care what sort of a "family friend" he is (and clearly he's not much of a friend to your family!), you need to stay out of his path - at least until you're feeling strong enough to maintain strict LC. If there's any risk of seeing him go for a walk, say you're not well, take a holiday. Whatever it takes.
You will get through this and we'll be here to support you every step of the way. Big hugs.
Kat
Big (((hugs))) to you!!
I know it is difficult .
Hi and Welcome!
Best place to find good counsel and encouragement in a safe non judging environment.
Thank you all so much.
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