I lied to myself MORE than MM
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I lied to myself MORE than MM
| Wed, 02-18-2004 - 2:36pm |
I was so angry at MM for "lying" but in reality I was doing all the lying to myself. He was honest he IS M, yeah he led me to believe he would one day leave his wife, 4 years later here I am alone, 4 years gone. In those 4 years I went through a very ugly divorce because of A, I asked my EX to leave, the entire thing made me realize I was unhappy so I am not blaming the A completely, I went through the death of a few family members alone, I went through a breast cancer scare alone many other health issues alone, holidays alone, birthdays alone.....ALONE. WHY, because I lied to myself and told myself, I was OK being the other women there would one day be a future with him, he would leave one day. I refused to see the truth, all the times HE WAS NOT there for me, HE WAS TELLING me HEY YOU ARE NOTHING to me but my icing on the cake. SO MANY TIMES I knew, but I was in denial. So when it comes right down to it, I was doing the lying. He never had a gun to my head. Well this morning he told me how sick he was of hearing me complain about our little time together, he was sick of me wanting MORE, sixk of me complaining about his wife, TIRED of you is what he said, if you are so sick of this why dont you find someone else. So you know what I said you are right, I am not happy, I hate this I am miserable, I want more and you will not give it to me, in 4 years you have lost NOTHING your life is the same you will just move on to a new A you are so right, I am unhappy. so it is over. We both agree. He did call and say you are so are unhappy find someone new. So I guess I will, why am I so sad why does facing the true reality of it hurt soooo bad. Why cant I stop crying? I am sure the fact my EX got married this weekend HURTS. But I am so sad!!!I knew there was no future, why was I so stupid!!

I haven't been posting recently...just dropped by and your post really touched me. I have been in a A for 5 years. I split with my now XH a year after A started. I, too, have fooled myself all these years. Please don't be so hard on yourself. We are guilty of believing that these MM were something more than they were. Basically, *they* misrepresented themselves...not us. *We* tried to make a decent and honest life by getting out of bad marriages. *We* took the hard road and went through the pain. *We* believed.
When I get so down on myself... when I start the "how could I be sooooo dumb" ritual, I try to remember the really good and courageous parts of myself. I get the "go find someone else" song, too. It sucks so bad to have been involved with someone who takes advantage of another person...I was so naive. I lied to myself all of those times, too. I also tried to paint a different and 'OK' picture in my head, when I was so alone. I would tell myself there wasn't anyone else around - so, why not MM. At a gut level, I think you know you're just lying to yourself because the pain is still there.
However, instead of berating myself for my stupidity, I have started trying to just pity my MM in a detached way. He is a sad and weak character. He has his own road to travel - I have mine. I am spending so much time on my interests and keeping busy so that the negative feelings don't overwhelm me. Eventually, I will find someone new...I hope, anyway. Someone that is a real person - not something in my head.
4 years wasted for you? 5 for me? I really don't think that they were wasted...it was just our growing time. That's how I look at it, anyway. There is no way to know how you would have been spending the past four years...what if you had spent it in an even worse situation...an abusive relationship with a single guy or still stuck in your dead marriage? There's no way to know that you would have spent the past four years in any better of a situation. We just tell ourselves it was a waste of time to further degrade the situation. We just tell ourselves we could have been doing something more productive. I, for one, don't think I would have gotten out of my dead marriage and be this strong now, if it hadn't been for my stupid, waste-of-time affair (tongue in cheek). I tend to think that we were right where we needed to be at the time.
But, if there is one thing I have learned through all of this and can share with you - it is that being involved with crazy people will drive you crazy. My big lesson of my affair was 'how not to let someone else who is screwed up - screw me up'... I have choices... I am capable of practicing discernment...as much as I believe I don't have the ability - I *do* have the ability to say 'no' at any time *I* choose. *We* have the control in our lives...they do not.
JMHO.
Good luck to both of us.
Bird