I made it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
I made it
3
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 10:28pm

Well, today marks 90 days for me.

I really don't feel like I deserve any kind of recognition though. I guess I need to stop counting. Sure, I've had NC for 90 days. But at this point, I couldn't break NC if I wanted to.

He's married now. He has a new life with a new woman in a new city.

Sure, I could send him an email, ask him all kinds of "why" questions. But chances are he wouldn't even read it, and if he did, he wouldn't respond to it. He probably has forgotten that I even exist.

Which, I know, is a good thing. I go back and forth with being sad about it all, and then being happy that I am out of it and that he is far away.

I had a nice little vacation with H last weekend. But flying home Tuesday night, I cried. I was sad that my weekend distraction had come and gone, and that I had to go back to real life and face the pain of being erased from the memory of someone I thought loved me once.

Still, I'm better today than I was 90 days ago. A LOT BETTER. I am more dedicated to my kids, my H, my job... my own real life. I keep reminding myself that the A was bad, it was wrong, it was a lie, it was painful and confusing, it was not real life. My heart is healing, slower than I would like, but healing none the less. I look forward to the day that I don't fall asleep being sad most nights, and don't wake up feeling lonely most mornings.

Thank you all for always being there for me on my bad days as well as the few good days I've had! Here's to hoping the next 90 days will be a little bit easier, and hey.. who knows? Maybe I will lose count and that day will come and go unnoticed.

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: xfallenangelx
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 10:53pm

Hi Fallen,


Your post sounds so sad.

Babysteps


...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.


NC/LC since May 21, 2010

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: xfallenangelx
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 11:03pm

Hi Babysteps

Thanks so much for your reply. It has really helped me tonight.

The sadness comes and goes. When it's on me, it is really heavy. I do need to try harder to focus on letting go. I don't understand why it's been SO HARD for me! I think I was actually doing really well until last week when I heard that he got married. I mean, he has moved on, that's for sure. And I am trying, I really am.

Coming here to the board and reading and posting is my therapy. I know that I would benefit tremendously from some IC right now, but I just can't do it. So, I lean on all of my friends here on EAS who are going through the same constant rush of emotions, and it does help me!

Whoever posted "I ONLY MISS WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN, NOT WHAT IT WAS" really put it in perspective for me. I still miss my fantasy. I do not miss AP, I do not miss the pain and confusion of the A.

Thanks for being there for me tonight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
In reply to: xfallenangelx
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 1:58am

Wow Angel, 90 days! yet