I made it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
I made it!
7
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:36pm

First of all, I want to thank everyone for being willing to share their lives with "me". I cannot tell you how much being a part of this message board has helped me. I started coming here about 1 1/2 months ago and I'm glad that I stumbled upon this message board. I cried as I read the posts for the first time, realizing that I am not alone and what I'm feeling is normal. I have gone through this process and I can say that I am a stronger person today than I was when I first came here. I hope this post will help some of you in your healing.
When I first heard about NC I didn't believe it was the right thing for "me", see somehow my situation was "different". Me and my xMM loved each other, we could talk about anything, we were soul-mates, etc. What I have realized is that none of that was "real". It was all fantasy. He isn't my prince charming coming to "rescue" me from my miserable life. I now see what kind of man he really is. We've known each other for over 20 years and always thought we were meant to be together. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I've learned from this experience and have grown as a person. Actions speak louder than words, he is choosing to stay with his W in his "so-called" miserable M. I'm questioning everything he ever said to me during the time we were together. I cannot sit around and wait for him. He doesn't control my happiness, I do! I also cannot play the "what if" game anymore. What if he does leave his W? So what? Do I really want a man like him after all? Our relationship was based on lies.
During and months after my A, I didn't feel love for my H anymore. I often wondered how to get that back, as I'm sure a lot of you are. I asked my H to join me in counseling, at first he didn't want to. I told him I was thinking about leaving (not b/c of the A) He came to a few sessions and we are now in a couples communication class. Things are so much better and I'm falling back in love with my H. I realized that as long as I had feelings and my xMM in my life, I would not be able to move on and love my H again. It's hard to let go of our AP, I know. I went through the pain and heartache, the feeling of a raw open wound eating at you constantly and thought I would never be able to function without my xMM in my life. Just take it one day at a time. Don't beat yourself up if you slip up, it WILL get easier. I'm living proof of it.

I am saddened by the many new names on this board. I feel your pain, I've been through it. My advice to all of you, NC IS the best way, it will take time. I also started incorporating some of the things from the A that made me feel better about myself (dressing sexy, taking care of myself, eating right, exercising, etc) towards my H. It has made such a huge difference in our relationship. I can actually look forward to my future with my H and kids again.

Sorry this is so long. Hang in there everyone, you will get through it!

Dallas

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
In reply to: luvndallas
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 4:12pm

Hi there! I am formally Littlesoul. Had to change my name due to my H coming on this board and reading my post. I remember how we talked of our similar situation of having the A with an old love from many years ago. I am so happy you found your way. I am hoping very soon to see the light as you have. Has anything happened with xmm to make you feel different towards him?

I wish you only the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: luvndallas
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 4:27pm

I have thinking about you and I hope you are doing okay. I remember that day you posted what happened to you, I felt so bad for you. I know I don't want my H to find out about my A and it has made me more careful.

Nothing has happened, still NC. I just realized that if he really wanted to be with me then he would DO something to make it happen. He knows that I was willing to leave my H so we could be together but I guess it wasn't meant to be, like so many other posts I've read, when it comes down to actually doing something about it, xMM doesn't. I can't live my life waiting for something that may never happen. I put him so high on a pedistal and then I saw him how he really is. Integrity is big thing for me, I thought he had it but he doesn't. Maybe it's because he wasn't mine to begin with so he couldn't give me that.

I'm glad that I didn't end my marriage. At the time I really didn't see any other way out and didn't think my M had a chance to survive. I just wanted to let others know that it CAN work if you work at it. If you give the best try you can, counseling, etc for a good year and you still feel it won't work, then I would say DO something about it and make yourself happier.

Yes, it took me and my xMM 20 years to get together and it was amazing. But maybe that is all it ever will be for us. Now, we can't even be friends like we were before. That's sad.

Take care, I will check back from time to time to see how you are doing.

Dallas

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
In reply to: luvndallas
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 7:28pm
Thanks so much for thinking of me. I am doing okay. I let my husband know it was an emotional type thing and we were okay after that. But due to my weakness I had another slip up last weekend. I know this can NEVER happen again or I will have deep regrets. So glad things are going well for you. Only best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: luvndallas
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 11:20pm

Good stuff, Dallas! I had a very similar experience. I posted earlier in the week that this is the first anniversary of the end of my A. Virtually no contact (well, none except the occasional text message) since last February. I have also managed to rebuild my marriage. You're absolutely right, you can't have another man in your life and still expect to feel good about your DH. Your heart can't be in 2 places at the same time.

Oh yeah, my XMM was my soulmate, best friend, etc., all rolled into one "terrific" guy. I'm not sure exactly how I could have ever thought that, but whatever... It's so clear to me now that my DH is the love of my life and I'm thankful everyday that I had this "awakening" for lack of a better word and ended my A to give my marriage another shot.

Thanks for checking in with some positive energy! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: luvndallas
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 10:07am

<<>>

I was concerned about you after I heard what happened. But what would stop your H from coming here again and seeing you are still here posting under another name, especially given the statement you wrote above?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
In reply to: luvndallas
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 10:46am
hurtpup -
I was stupid enough to use my AOL screen name as my name on here. That is why I couldn't deny that it was me writing the post. I feel safe using a totally different name that he can't connect with me. He hasn't been on here since that day and I haven't posted except for a few replies to some under this new name.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: luvndallas
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 11:37am
Ok ;) Just lookin out for ya